202 Dating Needs Maturity

Dating isn’t “broken” because people are hopeless. It’s broken because a lot of us are trying to do grown-up relationship work with an underdeveloped mindset and borrowed advice. I’m Growin Man host Shman John D starts from a real moment with his 17-year-old son, who says dating is a pressing issue for men, and then pulls the thread all the way through: why men and women often play different games, why mixed signals turn into rushed relationships, and why one bad decision can change your life.

We get honest about maturity, self-worth, and why age is a weak substitute for emotional growth. If you don’t know your value, you can’t date with intention, and you’ll be drawn to the wrong features, ignore red flags, and then try to “groom” someone into compatibility. We talk about why relationships are for mature people, what “mature” actually looks like in real life, and why being open-minded about being wrong is a superpower in love, marriage, and family.

The core takeaway is simple and practical: the key to a successful relationship is conversation. Not small talk, not vibes, not just physical attraction. Real conversation helps you ask better questions early, protect each other’s peace, set boundaries, and avoid crossing lines that create lasting damage. We also connect dating choices to bigger outcomes, including the kind of home kids grow up in and the quality of life you build when you stop recreating your story with new people.

If you’re serious about healthier dating, stronger communication, and building a relationship on purpose, hit play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review so more men can find the message. What’s one question you wish you asked sooner when you were dating?

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Why Dating Feels So Broken

SPEAKER_00 0:12

What up though, and welcome back to I'm Growin Man. Shman John D in the building. Let me see. So today I asked my son, what should I talk about? I was like, what is what's a pressing issue for men, this from his perspective? He said, dating. It's so crazy. For him to believe that dating is a problem. For him, he's 17, and his background noise is that men are not good at dating. I thought, why wouldn't I give insight to maybe help some people? I didn't do a bad job at dating. And I can give you an overall honest assessment that when you're immature, and when I mean immature, you haven't developed in certain areas yet. So you're not able to actually think for yourself. So you're kind of just doing what everybody else is doing. And from what I've learned, because that's what I was doing, but being that I was a like legitimately good dude, I think I got a lot of insight on why men fail at dating. For one, most of the time, men and women are playing a different game. They're not playing the same game. The messages we're following to get to this idea of whatever it's supposed to look like is going at different speeds, and the the communication is so off that you find a couple of things in common, and people think they could be in a relationship. But relationships are for mature people. And I've experienced and seen women passing red flags themselves. They believe that they could groom this man. And

Maturity Beats Age Every Time

SPEAKER_00 2:05

I'm gonna tell you, some of you, if not all of you, have the capability of grooming a man, but it has to make sense to that man because you can't do it without him. And immaturity is real. I'm going to give you hopefully some words that could change your perspective. If you really thought you were important, would you just let anybody touch you? I think that our parents, our environment that we grew up in, the messages we see every day will convince you that you have to play that game. And I know I played that game. One mistake changes your life. So this message right here is for people who need it. So if you already know this isn't for you, this is a prevention. Complete prevention. If you're single and you think you're important, how about this? We even go further than that. If you're under the age of 25, you shouldn't even be thinking about dating anybody unless you are mature enough to accept that y'all don't know enough about each other and that y'all going to run into some roadblocks that make you feel like maybe you shouldn't have done it. Now, relationships are truly for mature people because if you're mature, you're going to be open-minded to being wrong. And if we don't know how to date, how are we going to know how to be in a relationship? We don't even know how to attract what's supposed to be our partner. Because most men are attracted to the wrong features. And if you're attracted to the wrong features, you won't even come close to being happy later because you are now going to have to groom this person to the person you think or thought you could get to. But they showed you who they were in the beginning. So if you're under the age of 25, you are supposed to like live your life safely, but you're supposed to find out who you really are. Because when you go out in the world and you don't know your value, you could completely miss. And a lot of people don't know their value because they're attracted to the wrong features. Remember that. Under 25? And that's to me, I'm just kind of like putting numbers out there because people tend to like follow numbers like this 18, you're an adult in the United States. That's a baby. I don't know who made these age groups, but we we are so immature and we need help a little longer. I can't even lie to you. I was making bad decisions to like 41, and I thought that was the life I was supposed to live. So when I look back, how was I supposed to get the information? Who was supposed to give it to me? My father died at 54. He died before I even got onto the journey. He died for the journey to start. How about that? It took me 41 years to mature. Like people really think it's an age thing. Your decisions make you mature. If you can go out and make a decision that could change your life, you got to reevaluate how important you really think you are. Or do you believe that you're supposed to live like that? See, that's different. I get it, because I thought I was supposed to live like that also. I was living really selfishly. And I didn't know I was, though, because nobody would say, hey man, why don't you look at it this way? So I'm telling you guys, if you believe that you're important, find out who you are before you start attracting some people that will pull the wool right over your eyes, and you end up in a situation you're like, how did I do that? And these are guys are supposed to be mature, right? But you can't see what you don't know. So this information is we have to find maturity so that we can approach a relationship and give it

Ask Better Questions Early

SPEAKER_00 6:25

a shot. Most people, they'll get in a relationship just because somebody's extremely attractive. Would not be their type. They don't talk about nothing alike. Don't even like the same music, but they look good together. What did you think? Like over the course of time, it's gonna grow on you, like you're gonna end up liking the stuff I like? You guys have to do a better job at the dating aspect, the beginning. Ask the questions early. So what do you think about this? Something that you like, something that you care about. Because if that person doesn't like it, are you gonna try to convince yourself that you're supposed to make them like it? And I'm not saying that you have to do that, but I would love for my partner to talk about something that I enjoy talking about. Because if your partner don't enjoy talking about it with you, you're gonna get that engagement from somebody else. And this is not to say you would do anything, but my point is it's less time with your partner. The key for a successful relationship is that you have to do your due diligence in the beginning to find out that this is somebody I can enjoy talking to when I'm upset, when I'm happy, when I'm sad. You want to work to creating, it's like a perfect person. And I'll say this most women, in their mind, they feel like they could become this if the man was mature enough. Most women will follow the man. Women gotta make decisions when men don't know what they're doing, and that's tough. And and I can honestly say that. We didn't know what we were doing, the relationship that my wife and I have created has not been documented. If it was, I think more men would try to play a different game. And I think you can find life through the person you're spending time with, a new life. My son said, talk about dating. And the importance of how to date is through a conversation. How about this? If you guys are talking about sex, this ain't gonna work. How about this? If anybody is bringing up sex in the first, like this is so this, okay, check this out. What I'm about to say is are for those who are looking for a serious relationship. And this goes for men because men have their own set of rules or what they think it's supposed to look like. But if you want to really win, you can't follow childhood ideas and think that it's supposed to work today. Because, in my honest opinion, most women are looking for that person. Men are looking for that person to make them feel like they're only supposed to be for that person. They put, they set this bar so high, like, and that's what I'm saying. If you're attracted to the wrong features, you won't understand the key to the relationship is conversation. Men think so physical that they don't realize it's 24 hours in a day. If you had the greatest physical life ever, you wouldn't do that all the time. We have to get out that mindset. What are you doing on them all the mother hours? We actually sitting around talking and we're getting to know each other. My wife and I, I think have have, like I said, created this relationship that nobody has seen, where we're gonna just continue to grow on it because we honestly can't believe we got here. But she she she thought she could get here. I had no idea I could get here. Most men think like I used to think. The key to the relationship is the conversation. The more conversation you have, the more you learn about her, the more she learns about you, the way you guys are protecting each other's peace. You won't just be crossing boundaries to make somebody mad where you'll change your tone and sound really mean and be ready to fight. Say things you don't mean, but you really meant it, but not really because you got bad habits and you didn't want to say that, but you did, and now you got to be a person of your word because you said it and that's what you mean, but you can't say, I made a mistake. I haven't had therapy. Well, I'm having therapy, and I'm trying to understand why I respond that way when I'm triggered. If you guys did your due diligence at the beginning, you wouldn't have to go through this over here. You have to talk to somebody who knows what it sounds like. They can understand. If y'all came from different backgrounds, you got to be excellent communicators. If not, you're gonna cross each other's boundaries at some point. Somebody's gonna say something to me. And I do believe if men worked on communication, asking the right questions in the beginning, they would reduce a lot of the poor mistakes that they have to live with. But they actually have to believe in it. You know, there's so many books that say men are supposed to do this and do that. But at the end of the day, if you have a kid and it's not with your person, that kid has to grow up a different life. No kid wants to grow up like that. We have to keep that in consideration.

Communication, Boundaries, And Triggers

SPEAKER_00 12:01

If we're going to uh give kids a better chance, we should at least do a better job at dating. Because if you are dating for the wrong reasons, you'll end up with trauma in kids because all they wanted was to have both their parents like each other. And it starts with the dating. If we learned how to communicate, dating would change for women. I feel so bad for women because men really think they know what they're doing. And if men actively participated in ways to improve their communication in the very beginning, they would reduce the chances of blundering. I think men really only blunder because they never challenge the information that somebody gave to us. Honestly, like think about this. If you look at relationship podcasts, if you actually looked at them, and the people that's supposed to be good in it, if you looked at their parents, that would give you a lot of context on where they are. And and the reason why I say that, because majority of the people I know, they didn't have two parent households where their parents were in love with them. So a lot of us out here just trying to fill it out. But what I do know this communication is the key to unlock a part of the relationship that has not been documented. I know people might like, how do you know this? Because I think if it was documented, more men would try to go where very few's talking about. I I I feel like the history of man has control what relationships were supposed to look like, and they don't understand the compliment of the woman because we were distracted by the wrong idea of what it took to be happy. I listen a man discourage other men from getting married because of childlike ideas. And and I want you to know this, this isn't to bash anyone. When I say childlike, it just means that we're underdeveloped in certain areas, and only a child would think like that. Because if you were mature, you would understand what you were put here to do. It's really just to really enjoy life and experience things, but you don't want to experience a life the most difficult way. You don't, it's already difficult, but being distracted by things that can prevent you from enjoying life, you'll be thinking, like, what was I doing? So now my wife and I communicate so much. It puts me in a position to want to do it more because I truly believe when you work on something, it just becomes better. And the relationship that we've created, it's only gonna really matter if people can receive the message. Because outside of that, you know, my father used to say, uh, you'll understand when you get older. It's too late then. You know, my object is to work on communication. And when I say work on it, I mean where I can help men in real time improve their relationship through their own intentional effort. It changed the relationship with your person going forward because you got to watch who you get your information from. We have to know this. As men, maybe we aren't good in relationships. And I'm so surprised that nobody took it on. Like just because you're with somebody don't mean you've taken it on. When you with somebody and you really believe you guys are building, it's all about the conversation. Because the conversation unlocks part of you that you can't appreciate unless you put that much work in as far as communicating. The relationship I've created with her, it's been so wonderful that I created this podcast just to tell other men that we followed the wrong message. I didn't know how to say it before. But I know some people were like, why do you think you know what you're talking about? Because I went to go get this. Nobody told me how to go get it. And I do believe everybody has the power to go get it. Being single, and it is that means you can only have so much quality of life. I was telling somebody. When you with one person, you guys are constantly building. You don't have to recreate a story. You guys know it, and you're building on to the story, you're learning each other. When you have somebody new every so often, you got to fill in gaps all the time because they they don't know this. That's why if I knew that the quality of life would increase with your person if you created that relationship, the distraction of adult activities prevents men from thinking any further than that. And remember, I'm only talking of those who can receive it because a hit dog will holler and people will try to call people out. But you can't really say I don't know what I'm talking about. Just

Build The Relationship On Purpose

SPEAKER_00 17:55

because nobody's done it does not mean everybody can't do it. And my wife gave me that energy. You know? I'd be thinking about if I could give anything to man, if I were to die today, I would want man to know that if you worked on communication and you really did your due diligence before you got into a relationship with anybody, you can create something that nobody has ever seen. That's it. Go get it. It's worth going to get because it makes you want to live. I can't explain it yet, but I do know if you're in a relationship and you truly believe that's your person, come up with some rules on how to converse with each other. Because the more you hang with somebody, the more y'all talk. And the goal is to see how deep you can get without disturbing each other's peace. But if you don't know how to communicate, you can't get that far. And then you'll just be cohabitating with somebody. I want you guys to work on this idea that you guys are going to create this relationship. I don't know if I've I've gotten enough years of credibility to say that I think I have this one. But I just hope that if anybody is listening, if you in a relationship, you want a relationship, I can't really tell you what it looks like for a man to be mature, but I can tell you this. If the man understands that he's open-minded to being wrong on a lot of perspectives, he can grow. A lot of men can't grow because they've put themselves in a box and don't even know it. And I've been trying to work on my word so I don't offend anyone. That's why I say I come in peace. But if you are in a box, you're gonna prevent yourself. Like, how do you know you're not supposed to be outside of the box? And whatever box you want to put yourself in, you can. You gotta believe that it's it's a better way. And it can't happen without intentional effort. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A. Get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.