196 Why Marriage Is Worth It

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Why Marriage Is Worth The Walk

SPEAKER_00 0:12

What up Doe and welcome back to I'm Growin' Man, Shaman John D in the building. Uh, you know, I think I finally I finally figured it out. I was trying to figure out what can I do to separate myself from a lot of other podcasts. And this is it. I'm gonna tell men why marriage is worth the journey. I don't know how long this is gonna be, but I I'm gonna give my best interpretation on why, if you a man, you have to take this walk, or you're gonna get to a certain age and feel a feeling that you can't do nothing about. Like, and I don't want you to feel that way. This is why you should get married. The distraction of intercourse prevents us from creating what my wife and I are creating. Look, I'm like, I'm so pumped up about sharing this because I was like, that's the problem. They don't understand why it's worth it because they haven't seen anybody enjoy the journey. And you know what's crazy? Well, married men has the best shot, but relationships are for mature people. Everybody knows that's what I say. Relationships are for mature people. So if you allow certain things to distract you, you can't even understand the journey because nobody decided to master the relationship. I've been on this journey because I I want to master the relationship, and I think I figured it out because the way that I feel and the information that I'm trying to share, if you're

How Bad Lessons Shape Men

SPEAKER_00 2:00

a mature man, you have to be open-minded to being wrong. A lot of the things that we were taught that that's been over the course of time, like they just passed on poor messaging, and that's the reason why we look at relationships the way we do. My father gave me the best information he had at the time. I've learned, being in education, that no parent wants to give their kids bad information. They want to only give information they think that's gonna help them. Now, it may not be good information, but they they do believe that they're helping them. When I got this information about my father, well, he, you know, he was married for a long time before my mother left, and my views of things got distorted. And I just remember seeing him wake up in the middle of the night and he's throwing up, and I'm like, What's wrong with you? And he's like, I love your mama. And I was like, I won't ever let a woman do that to me. So already I'm in this mindset. I won't ever let a woman put me through any of that. So I'm building barriers through my journey of young adulthood. Or I'm not, I'm a I'm 14, 15. So he already told me at age 12 that I could have sex as long as I use protection. So the information that I have looks like I'm ready to run into a wall because I'm definitely practicing at this point at 16, 17, and that was a poor message. You know, I he should have told me that I'm too important to just do those things with anybody because you could get somebody pregnant and your life will change. And then that's not the life that you should want. You should want a life where you can become the person you're supposed to become, mature, make better decisions, and then get into the relationship. Now, I'm just telling you how I got there. It was kind of like a like a uh sh sum it all up. So I'm I'm single and I'm just in and out of open relationships because I am not trying to be committed. Because I feel like if you committed, that means I I just could I in my mind I wasn't mature. I said this to myself. I know that I'm not mature enough. So I was just floating the market, you know, and and that's poor messaging because these women that I entertained, they were, they would have liked to flip me. And I was out taking chances that I shouldn't have been taking because these ladies deserved a better opportunity. Maybe I just, I don't know what I presented, but but I I didn't lie. I just want you to know that I did not lie. What's so difficult about sharing this information is because I looked back and I had no intentions on doing anything with these ladies until my wife. And I just got lucky because Lord knows that I was not mature enough to really get

Immaturity And Early Marriage Mistakes

SPEAKER_00 5:15

this young lady. My wife, she helped me get to this point, but hey, that's what I'm saying. Like, without her, I don't get here. So when I get married, well, how about am I single? I'm just, I'm just saying I'm just living my life. But after I get married, I'm just like trying to figure out what it's like. I thought you were supposed to balance outside and inside, but how can you balance inside when you don't even know what an inside looked like? You grew up in a broken household. Your mother left your father, your father raised you. Like I had so many blind spots that I didn't even know. My wife filled so many spots that I thought wasn't necessary, but but since I grew up like that, we're gonna do it this way. Not knowing that she's letting me lead, though, like because she believed in that message. She let me lead as a man in the household making poor decisions. And when I look back, I'm so blessed that she wasn't, she had blind spots. Because if she was smart, I was I was really, I was unfair the way that I spoke. Like I didn't curse her out, I didn't use language like that. I don't want anybody to think that. But the way that I spoke to her, like, it was like she was just anybody in the street, and I didn't understand how to speak to my wife. So I was really trying to figure all of it, like I'm telling you, but she's she had so much grace. Like now she don't, she ain't got time for no mess ups. I'm telling you, like then, like I just, I was a I was a child. I used to have temper tantrums, like I'd give her solid treatment, like I was putting her on punishment or something. I was such a child. And she always made it right. But listen, gosh, she made she matured me. So like through my the marriage, there was a time where she was tired, exhausted, and I had no idea. Because in my head, I wanted to do 50%. I was like, my wife, I'm cooking half the time, I'm cleaning half the like I'm gonna raise the kid. Like, not half, but I'm gonna do half the work, like in my mind. And in her mind too, but it wasn't really like that because I I found out in my marriage that women have way more jobs than men. Men have like concrete jobs. I gotta go to work and stuff, like I gotta do this. Like, if you don't tell a man to do something, he's not thinking of what I can do to lessen the household load of the things that need to be done. Like a woman has to tell a man, like, hey, I need you to do this. Like a woman is really the quarterback of the house. Like, what needs to happen? Like, she taught me this. And I was like, wow. I realized how she was tired in the man. That's why a lot of women get tired because they do so many different things that men have no idea because we're not taught to think that way. We are real like to this or that. It ain't like what is the grand scheme? It's not really, it's not chess yet. I don't think men mature into chess until they realize how to play the entire game. It's so many parts of that. But, anyways, my wife got me hit. Listen, my heart is still beating because she makes me. So check this out. I go to work with adults who want to help kids. And my job is to inspire these adults

The Hidden Work Women Carry

SPEAKER_00 8:50

to work in their free time to become better teachers so they can get better in in the classroom so these kids can change. It's not gonna be overnight, but to change. If you plant the seed, the journey could possibly grow it. But if you don't ever plant the seed, see, my wife gives me like in my free time, I have a routine where I work on things to become a better assistant principal. How do they get better if I'm not intentionally trying to get better? My wife gives me this energy because you know when I put the work in at work, when I leave work, I don't really think about work anymore unless it's I'm in the routine of it. I'm at home. Like I can let go because I know that I can look forward to seeing my family. And at some point, my kids are gonna be gone. She and I have created a relationship where I look forward to spending time with her. I remember when I first got married in the first five years, let's say first five years. I remember my father told me as a child he went to work to get peace. Like he couldn't stand being at home. And it was just my sister and I. And I don't know what was it about us, but I was like, I don't want to ever feel like that. So in my first five years, I ended up starting smoking cigars. So that was my pastime. Because at that time, there was like, you need your me time. So my me time was at the cigar lounge smoking a cigar. I did it like almost every single day. Four years. So I'm saying that to say that I didn't want to stay at home because I was afraid if I stayed at home too long, that she would bother me. Like that's crazy too, because I know men that feel that way. Like, I gotta get out the house. You know, you got to get out the house because you don't understand that is the real game, the conversation. That's why you have to pick, you have to choose wisely with who you lay down with, because if you can't have a real conversation and a mistake happens, you live a different life. So, this is what I'm saying. I know some of us can't change our story, but we can change the one that we've been following. Because my wife made me realize I wasted so many years being distracted by things outside of the house when I should have been focusing on inside the house. She made me a better father. She made me a better husband. Most overall, she made me a better man. So, in my daily routine, like she made me create a routine. She didn't tell John, I need you to do this. She gives me the energy where I can use my free time to work on me, where I can become a better example when I go to work. Like, adults send their kids to the school that I work for. So I gotta be on my A game. Y'all have to know. She gives me the energy to use my free time to get better. And you know, some people like that's crazy. No, it ain't. That's why marriage is so cold. Like, if you really build the relationship, she makes you a version of you that you didn't know you could become. That's

Escaping Home Versus Building Home

SPEAKER_00 12:40

why you don't need marriage to do it. But marriage gives the woman this security idea that a man won't do anything. The problem why men do things that ruin the relationship because they never matured in areas and understood how important they were. If men knew how important they were, they would work on the relationship so that their kids would know, they would model what their kids should become and grow from. Most men cheat because they don't know how to be faithful. When you realize she makes you better in these areas, these other things outside is just distracting you from building inside the house, promise, on everything. I don't need breaks from my wife. I'm looking forward to the day that I get to retire from going to work every day just so that I could be at home and build even more with her. She and I are building something like this relationship we have. Like the only time we get into it is because of things that because I'm still learning how to communicate and she triggers me, and then I'll talk crazy and then wonder why she's talking crazy, thinking that because I'm working on communication, she's supposed to give me more gripes. And I told you she ain't playing none of that right now. But I understand that there's a certain way you can talk to people where you don't have to like if somebody don't like something and it triggers you, you don't have to trigger them. And and I I've I've realized that we never get into it like intentionally. It's because of my insecurities that I haven't, I guess, recognized yet. Because I'm looking for, I'm looking for all of them because my goal is to not ever yell again. Like if somebody makes me mad, I'm I shouldn't even be mad because they didn't do that on purpose. To me, something's bothering them. I'm giving you for example. Yesterday I told my wife, I don't want to yell ever again to my students because sometimes, like, I was like, get your tail in the class. Like, I don't even want to do that anymore because I want them to know how important it is to be inside the classroom. My wife gives me the energy to try to figure out what words to say, to say. I'm glad Mr. Lewis said that to me, because that made me look at things differently. And I and I focused and and I got it. Or I went and got the help that I needed so I could fill in these gaps so that I could change life for my family. Where I came from, I'm not gonna say I grew up the worst, because I didn't. But I only knew so much. But if you don't learn more information, you're gonna get stuck and you're not gonna really appreciate what you could build. My wife, she makes me want to do a podcast for the rest of my life so that I could somehow say some words to some men and say, and I can do that too. Because I'm telling you, it's not very many men that are building with their wife. They're kind of just coexisting, they're parenting, they don't talk every day. Like, if you if you really want this, you gotta find somebody that you truly enjoy communicating with. And sometimes, unfortunately, men are attracted to the wrong features and don't realize how important that conversation is and will marry somebody that they can't converse with because maybe, you know, their age is too far because they grew up in different time periods. People don't realize age is really important. Attraction is cool.

Communication Rules And Real Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 16:35

That's why I said sex is a distraction. Because you can teach anybody how you want it or how you like it if they trust you, but you have to develop the relationship. We be looking for people already made when they have gaps of their own. So you guys have to converse with each other before even playing those games because life can be fun. I realize I have lived a very long time, but I've never met a man talk about their wife the way that I feel. Like I'm trying to tell y'all, marriage can be cold if men did a better job at the company they keep and selecting who they want. Outwardly appearance is good and all. But if you can't converse, those looks get old. And I think everybody knows that. But I tell you this, when you can talk to somebody every day, it's a different attraction. Think about that. If you look forward to talking to somebody every day, and and and this is the this is the coldest part of it, when you look forward, when you like get into the rhythm, it's I've been preaching this. Shout out to Malcolm Gladwell. The 10,000 hours things, like if you if you guys intentionally converse for 10,000 hours, like I don't know how long it'll take because other people will probably have better connection. But if you get like do that, you're gonna talk about so many different things where you'll learn bound when you talk to each other, you gotta have boundaries. You gotta set up rules because you're going to trigger each other and not do it on purpose. But the way you respond is going to determine how long the argument is gonna go. And if you guys are really into each other, you set up rules. And when somebody gets upset, you hear somebody yelling, once you start catching it, it'll reduce and then the conversation will go further. I just learned this yesterday because even though me and my wife rarely get into it, I still have my moments where things in the past trigger me and I can act like a child. But you know what? It's only when I'm under the influence of alcohol. And I told her this. I was like, we can't talk about certain things, but that's not fair to her, right? So I need to learn how to identify those things so that she and I can go further. Because what I've learned, if men knew like there was a finish line to find another one that you like, oh my God, it gets better than this, they would go that way. So this is what I'm telling you, men. And you know, single men, I promise, this is a sidebar. I feel bad for single men because there are married men that be acting like they be threatening, like I could be single again. Like that means you're walking away from the way you're supposed to be going, you moving backward. Being single isn't a privilege. Like everybody starts out single. Your job is to mature, get all the information you can, go find somebody that can give you the energy to grow. If you don't, if you're attracted to the wrong features, you're gonna find a way out. And I'm gonna tell you this sex is a distraction. Everybody knows this. I've been talking about it. It you should use it for procreating and intimate moments. And you shouldn't be having intimate moments with everybody because you're too important for that. Flat out. If people knew how important they were, they wouldn't let anybody just touch them that way. But if you learn that it's okay if you do it safely, you'll get caught up and make a mistake and become a statistic and live a different life. There's so many ways to deter your life from playing that game. So I'm telling you, if you're young, you're too important to let anybody touch you. Wait. If you don't wait, you're endangering an opportunity to ruin your story. And you can say whatever, like, God, this is God's

Sex As Distraction And Why Waiting Matters

SPEAKER_00 21:00

destiny, but you gotta live with that story. So I'm telling you, you're too important to have the story I've heard from other people. Like it wasn't a mistake. Yes, it was. My point is, you play those games, you have to tell a story that works for you. You have to tell your kids, no, I made a mistake. I I started having sex too early, and I shouldn't have. I should have waited so that I could have provided you a better opportunity, but I didn't have the information at that time. We can change the message. There are people still pushing this message that guys need to be having sex, and I'm telling you, it ain't worth it. You should be seeing who you could talk to. And if you enjoy conversations with them, the attraction will change over the course of time. I'm telling you. And that's that's the dopest attraction because I can't even put it in words, but I'm gonna tell you this the way that I feel, I'm going to keep working on. Communication because I want men to win. Because as you get older, I told you I'm I'm old, from what I see, and I could be wrong, most of the single men that die early, they wish they'd done it differently. I don't know too many married men that say, I wish I got single a long time ago. And they're not even the happiest they could be because it was almost like they became roommates. And you don't have to be roommates. And even if you are roommates, you can work on the communication. You guys establish these rules, create these boundaries, and your conversations, you will learn more and more about each other. And this is what you'll this is how your relationship will grow. You'll learn the insecurities. There's so many rules in communication, but as long as you don't offend the other person, the commun the the talk can go further. The problem is people are limited on what they can talk about. And if you don't expand on things to talk about, a relationship is pointless because relationships are for mature people, and you'll notice that when you're mature, you can talk about a lot of things outside of the distractions outside of the house. My wife gives me a perspective that I can't get from new people. If you're single, you can't build because everybody is, you got to tell the same story to somebody else. You're not building. You enjoying the non-committal part, right? But like I said, if you're not mature, you got to figure out what is wrong. And I'm gonna suggest this people should get therapy. If men are single and they're not like trying to get in a relationship, I don't want them to feel like these older guys. Now I can see if I was young and you know, but I've I've talked to enough men to know that the difficult journey is the most rewarding journey. And being single is like, I don't, I don't want to take a chance at becoming better because they make you better whether you know it or not. You can like like deny it, but that's just something that they do. That's why I said like women think differently. My fraternity's motto is friendship is essential to the soul. She is my best friend. And I didn't even so this is another reason why men, it's very difficult for men to really be their wife's best friend because they can't be completely honest. They don't communicate and to know how important that is. If you are not communicating with your wife every day intentionally, you're cheating yourself out of the life you deserve. If you work on anything, it'll get better. So I'm telling men, the key for the relationship that you want requires you to communicate often. And I'm telling you, she's gonna give you immediate feedback. She's gonna make sure when you leave out the door that you're not embarrassing the household. When you go outside, you just got one perspective. But when she sees you, she says, Hey, what are you doing? So you get another look like, did you do it on purpose? Or no, I did. I'm glad you said something. But when you don't have your partner where you can communicate, it's gonna be points where she and I, well, it is points now. We can walk in a room, walk out of it, not say a word, and how and and we'll get into the car and we can talk about everything we saw, and and we'll understand why they was looking at something. You can't do that unless you built with a person. You constantly build it. And I'm telling you, the relationship she and I that were building, it let's say this. If I died, because tomorrow's not promise, right? And I do want people to know I've changed my diet so I can work on communication for the remainder of my life. She gave me this energy. Oh, you know how much time I was wasting before I realized how important she was to me? It was so crazy. I was crying all the time. That was the scariest part because I couldn't stop crying because I was like,

Singlehood Mindset And The Case For Therapy

SPEAKER_00 26:20

oh my God. It's like, I have my family, I have my wife. And the reason why I was crying because I was just thinking about who she was to me, and I was taking her for granted. And she deserved a better man. Every day I was like, in my routine, I'm gonna find a better way to improve so she could feel the security she needs. I didn't realize what she thought I had, I didn't know how to provide for her. And she had the grace for me to mature to the man that I am now. Because when you really mature, you look for ways to get better on purpose every day. Because without her, you're single. You know, and there are gonna be people that stand on a different message. But I tell you this, I've never met kids that say, Dad, thanks for ruining the household. We have to make better decisions. So it starts from you in the beginning. If you're mature, the conversation is going to be the key piece on your relationship moving forward. And I think that even professional careers or educational routes, trade schools, like different ways. You can be successful in any of these things. But none of that matters if you can't communicate with your partner. We followed the wrong message. That's the reason why it's so difficult for women. That's like, as women move up, they're looking for a man to compliment them financially because they they earned it, right? And black women got it really bad because a lot of them want to keep it in the family. And there's not a lot of black men in that financial bracket. It gets really thin up there in color. And if women date down financially, you have to deal with a man that may not be mature enough to know that he is the man, but you have this idea that I earn this money. You're not gonna tell me what to do. And I don't know very many men that's that's mature enough to accept that because she has to earn your trust because she felt like she put herself in that position, and you can do the same thing. That's why it's so difficult for them. And I feel I like I pray for them. I have so many single black women friends that are doing really nice things in life, and the men in my peer group and younger play too many games. It has to be a different message because you can't possibly like being single, something's wrong. You can say it's a choice, but the most difficult part of the journey is getting into a relationship, trying to create something with somebody else, having kids, as well as moving in your career, trying to improve. That's the story that people want. If you're not doing it on purpose, how do you develop that? But I'm telling you, my wife helped me organize the ideas where I could see them and I could, like, oh, I'm spending too much time on this. I need to focus on this. I need to do this, this, and this. And like I said, she did not tell me any of this, any of it. I I got this because I felt like she deserved a better husband. And I want to be a better example for anybody who's watching. And plus, look, check this out. If you look at my past, I had a lot of friends. I still do, but I don't talk to them as regular because they was taking away time from me and my family. My kids are gonna be gone soon. And I was trying to balance outside versus enjoying the things inside because I'd never I'd never seen what

Choosing A Partner You Can Talk To

SPEAKER_00 30:20

it looked like. So I didn't know that how important that was. And by the grace of God, I was able to like catch it before they, while they were little still, but I missed them the beginning years because I was out here chasing this dollar, all these distractions. But my point is, your wife, your person, your partner, she gives you an extra set of eyes that's only for you to make you better. She's not gonna have all of the ideas that you like, but she's not trying to hurt you. She thinks that maybe this could work. And if it don't work, you'd be like, oh, back to the drawing board. But she wants you guys to win. And once you realize that's why it's so important who you rock with in the beginning. When I say the beginning, I'm talking about when you're dating, you want to see somebody you can talk to. Somebody you can really talk about anything, not about trips, not talking about what you've done. What can you genuinely talk about your childhood, you know, how you grew up? Because you can get a view on their views. We didn't grow up alike. Nobody grew up alike. As much as people want to say, siblings don't even grow up alike in the same house, let alone a stranger from another state. Come on, or another country. Look, men who cheat don't realize that sex was the distraction. They're distraction for building. Like if they sat down and thought about it, if the object is to build, but you being distracted outside of the household, something's being cheated. And it's gonna eventually break. Unfortunately, you're gonna pass on messages that's gonna be a butterfly effect that will change the mindset of people. So we have to change the message. Because if we don't, we're gonna keep watching people follow these cycles that break families. So I'm telling you guys, my wife gives me the energy to make a podcast to help men make better decisions so that they could be who they were supposed to become. I'm not saying men are not trying to become better, but I know men are not trying to become better husbands on purpose. And if it is, I want to be a part of the club. If you want to be a better husband, you're making your household better. Your kids are watching you. And if you're not in the house, it's very difficult for anybody to understand how important you are. It's on everything I love. We have to make a presence in our home where we feel safe, not scared, safe. Even to this day, my kids, no, I'm not the safe person because they're afraid how I'm gonna respond. And they deserve a better father than that. I don't want to respond like that. And I'm responding like that because I haven't figured out how to hear it and, you know, ask questions, make sure that they're okay. Like, because my response is why would you do something like that? Like the sound calling them stupid. And as a kid, who wants to feel like that? My wife has a way of talking to them, and I want that. The sooner I get it, it'll make me a better communicator. That's what I'm saying. My wife, she does that for me. She makes me really want to try to become

Fatherhood Growth And Closing Challenge

SPEAKER_00 33:40

this person that my kids can be like, my father really tried to become a better father. He used to ask for feedback. I want to improve. And even as an assistant principal, I go to work asking for feedback. You know, my students, my staff, like I want to become a better educator so that I can hopefully inspire some kids to become a better version of themselves at a way younger age. Like if these kids knew how important they were at a young age, they would stop making poor decisions. Imagine that. I hope I didn't offend anybody. If you have questions, feel free to reach out. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A. Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose. Boom.