184 If You Can Communicate Well, You Can Build Anything

If you’re picking partners based on looks, vibes, or “energy,” this might be the reset you didn’t know you needed. I’m John D, and I’m putting one idea at the center of real relationship success: conversation is the foundation. If you don’t genuinely like talking to each other, the rest won’t hold up when pressure hits, emotions flare, or life gets messy.

We get into what healthy communication in relationships actually looks like when it’s not just cute texts and dinner recaps. I talk about being heard, understood, and respected, plus why emotional maturity matters more than most people admit. That includes learning to de-escalate, staying accountable for how we speak, and refusing to treat a partner like a punching bag just because we had a rough day.

Then we go deeper into the work behind the work: self-improvement, therapy for men, and how childhood trauma can quietly run your relationship if you never face it. I break down why relationships are for mature people, why routine builds confidence, and why “mastering self” changes who you attract and what you tolerate. When you put in intentional effort every day, you stop spreading yourself thin, you vet better, and you build something your family may have never seen.

If you want better love, start with better conversation and a better you. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with your biggest communication challenge so we can keep the dialogue going.

Transcript

Conversation Is The Real Foundation

SPEAKER_01 0:11

What up though, and welcome back to I'm Growin' Man. Shaman John D in the building. So I decided to get on here and I guess kind of talk about something I would say was my wheelhouse. I think I understand that it if you really want to be in a relationship with somebody, I'm gonna give you some game. And I think that it will work with anybody. But okay, just depending on where you are in life, I'm gonna say that let's say you're in a relationship. I don't know how much time you invested in getting to know this person, but the conversation is the most important part of any relationship. Period. If you think about all of the relationships you have, the people that you enjoy talking to, the conversation is the key part. You have to find the person you enjoy talking to. Everything else is you can get. You can get it if you if you talk good enough, if you if you can communicate, you can get whatever you want. Like, literally, if you know how to communicate. So I'm telling you, the number one key, the number one key. It's not about how attracted you are to this person, what energy y'all have because y'all around each. None of that matters if y'all don't like to talk. If you got somebody that you can just stay up and talk to about any and everything, that is that's everything. Like I look, we're about to rewrite some rules so people can be successful out here in these streets. Because the reasons why people be trying to get in relationships with people, and we got all this information of why this don't work, let's just start putting the work in ourselves. So if you really want a successful relationship, you got to be able to talk to them. I mean, like, no matter how they look, maybe I'm not supposed to talk about this, but I I feel so strongly about giving information to people that want it. Like, if you're tired of the same old same old, just think about who you enjoy talking to. Like, no matter what it is, like you'd be like, but it would never work. Like, it has to be this might be the the that episode. There's too many things that's happening right now, but we're gonna get this out. So my point is if you can talk, you can communicate with this person, you enjoy talking to them, like you've seen them when they're upset, uh, you know how to de-escalate them, man. It's it's something about that part when things get tough. Because when things get tough, you want somebody you can talk to. When we mess up, you want somebody that can understand, can empathize. So everything else I'm telling you is is second tier to that part. If you can enjoy talking to them. Like, and I'm gonna tell you why. Well, I guess I have told you why. But let me tell you more reasons. Like, the conversation, like like the conversation, me and my wife, where we are now in our conversations, is something that I feel like if you really want a relationship, you have to put the work in. And, you know, I when I listen to other relationships, this isn't to hate on anybody else, but I'm just saying the work everybody always says is you get in, you get what you put in it. And that is for that's exactly what it is. I don't think, I don't believe that relationships reaches potential because nobody truly understands the rules, the work, because we've been, we've kind of been the blind leading the blind. But now I see relationships are for mature people, and y'all know I'm all about that. But if you can talk to this person about anything, that's the person you can you can build, you guys can build something that your family has never seen. But it is the conversations. And I'm I'm all I'm putting 100% into the conversation piece because when you learn how to communicate effectively, the person receives your message, it's a different relationship. Like when you win a relationship, don't you want to be heard, understood, felt, like you, you don't want somebody to just dismiss you? Like when you work on the relationship, like through communication, you learn these rules that it just applies to everybody. But the problem is, is that we feel like when we care about somebody, we don't have to wear this shield, this, this mask. We can just be ignorant, you know, and that's not fair to your person because at the end of the day, nobody wants to get stabbed, you know, with some words. I don't care how your day was. I think I want to make your day better, but you're not gonna use me as a punching bag. And I just feel like we have to be more accountable in how we treat our partner and listen to what they want in the relationship. Because if they don't get what they want in the relationship, there's no way you you're gonna get what you think you're supposed to get. Like the relationship takes more effort than we've been told. And a lot of times it's really the man. It's just the man, the man, the way they viewed relationships. Oops, historically, like it's just like we do the least amount of

Accountability And Doing The Work

SPEAKER_01 6:00

work, period. I like I hear what men say they do, but we can do a lot more. How about that? This is not the beat up. If you if you that one guy that you're doing everything, this isn't for you. But I am talking about most of the men that feel like women aren't doing enough. And I feel like that's just a poor message. And it's gotta stop because man, it's a there's a lot of men that that need therapy and find out who they really are because they're allowing their past, their childhood, um, somebody who may have hurt them affect the fruit that they're supposed to get, but it won't allow them to because I don't know, they're afraid. So I'm just gonna drop some game for the people that really want a relationship and want to be happy in one, because I do believe all people want to be happy. And if you don't want to be happy, I'm sorry. That's crazy because I feel like the happiness that I practice every day, I can't see myself wanting to do something else. So because I love it so much, I am trying to share it with other people who may not have had that experience. It can happen. There are some steps. There's there's a way you gotta do things, a way you gotta like view yourself, you have to make better decisions. But a lot of times our childhood trauma prevents us from growing. So when I told you guys relationships are for mature people, I really meant it. So if you don't go through the the process of maturing and becoming the person who you really are, you could be bringing so much baggage to a relationship where it wasn't even fair. You know, just because you thought you were mature or you felt like this is the person, we have to, we have to like step outside of the fantasies. You know, when I was young, I used to have these ideas of what I thought life was gonna be. And you can get whatever you want, but anything you you get, it's really dependent on your effort. And if you really want to be happy, you have to get into a routine, into a schedule of things that constantly are making a better version of you. So the relationship part, the relationship don't get better unless you get better. And just because y'all sit down and eat and you know, talk about the day, it's so much more that they could get involved. You know, the the being comfortable with being uncomfortable part, I think I didn't understand that at one point, but I do understand that a lot of people don't like change. And if you already think you have the answers, you'll be really uncomfortable thinking that maybe it could be done a different way. But if you don't want to be uncomfortable, this isn't for you. You know, this is for people who are looking for a better way to get to the happiness I'm describing. Because I'm telling you, and then shout out to all of you people who've influenced me to become this person, because I really am blessed to have gotten this idea that I can still work on myself and become this better person so that I could just be a better person. That's that's it. That's my whole motivation. I just want to be a better person. And I feel like every day I get up, it's not a blessing unless I'm trying to improve. Like I everybody's sitting around, they're talking about it's a blessing to wake up. What did you do that day for it to be a blessing? If you're not doing anything to improve, it's not really a blessing. You're taking life for granted. And remember, this message is only for those

Trauma, Maturity, And Better Decisions

SPEAKER_01 10:05

who are looking to receive something differently. And I'm gonna tell you, I have been working on myself so intentionally these last six or seven years, seven or eight years. Golly, like my whole point, the person that I'm becoming, I don't become this person without the intentional effort. And some people may think I'm I'm being arrogant or I'm being pushy, but I do believe once you do something so many times, you know who you are. And if you put in the effort on working on yourself, you can really become the person you're supposed to be so that you can get into the relationship that creates these fruits that I can't describe. But I will say, my wife gives me an energy to see what I could really do. Like, you know, like what if I, you know, like if I'm I'm I'm I'm like trying to become an athlete or in a professional athlete, I got this routine and of every day that I'm just working on my craft, right? What if you were the craft and you just worked on yourself every single day? Like you ended up getting a book and you start putting dates. You're like, I did this to work on myself. And then after so many, you know, how often you really work on yourself, you're gonna have like a baby book of how you got to become this person that you're going to become when you start putting in this work. And when you really put in the work, you attract the energy you deserve. And most likely, you're going to communicate with people. And you're going to like, oh, I like the way this person sounds when they talk. Like, you know, they always get me to thinking, like, I could do this. You want somebody who's going to challenge you. You want somebody who's going to call you on your stuff and say, come on, you know, you can do better than that. Like, in a way where it's not going to be offensive because you got to be out here cold if you could do that by yourself. And the communication I've had with older men that don't have, you know, a better half, oh, they they're not the happiest people. And I don't want my friends to become that. You know, I want them to find somebody that they can build with and create, create a life where you understand why you go so hard.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

Like, I see people go hard for the dough.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

I see people go hard for like status or like, I don't know, just whatever they go hard for. But just imagine if you went hard for yourself. Like, you just like, I'm gonna keep working on myself. Everything around you gets better. And feedback is the best thing you can get to grow. So just imagine your partner, the person you enjoy conversations with, like, is giving you feedback. It's like, hey, you did you ever think about doing it this way? And you will present differently next time. Because doing it by yourself is kind of hard to get new idea, new get new ideas from yourself when you don't have anybody to feed, to bounce things off of. Now, even I don't care how creative you are, having a partner, it just, you know, exponentially makes all of your ideas just grow that much more because it's gonna be a different perspective. So find the person you enjoy conversing with. I mean, like, like people be so caught up in appearances about what looks, but if people invested more time in the conversation, relationships would grow. And if people were more intentional and working on themselves, oh my gosh, I just can see beautiful things happening when you find people who get into relationships for the reasons to build together. Like, really build, like, you know, so intentional. Like, like I said, they they focused on conversations. Like, no matter what they look like, they could be the most beautiful person in the world. But if they don't give you the conversation that you deserve, why would you even waste your time on? Like, I know people you want to live and have fun, but that could be the mistake to change your life for the bad. And when I say bad, a lot of people say you can't can't be bad if it's your kid, you know. No, it could be tough. You know, you can use any uh vocabulary word to distort the idea that when you came up, you said, I wanted my life to go that way. Like, people have to accept at some point, you know, you could have this story or you could have that story. And people like to use God as the excuse for why they have to live that way. Like, I look, I've made some mistakes and I got to deal with it, but I can't put it on God. Even though I was ignorant, I can't put it on God because I'm responsible for myself.

Stop Sharing Yourself With Everyone

SPEAKER_01 15:12

You know, they say ignorance is no excuse of the law. And that's just that's just life. Just because you didn't know it don't mean that was the right thing to do. You, you know, you you got dealt those cards, but what do you do to improve? And wherever you are in life, I'm telling you this personally. You could be the coldest person in the world, but you have to put the work in to become cold. You don't just wake up and say, I'm cold. Like people who are cold at doing things, they do it every single day. What are you doing to your life every single day that is building you, putting you in a position where you understand how important you are because you put in the work. If you're not working on yourself every day, you don't really believe how important you are. Or, and I hate doing this either or you don't know how important you are, or you don't believe you are that important. It's one of the two, because if you truly believe, wouldn't you do more? Like I'm asking, wouldn't you do more if you knew you were important? Like important people be busy. Why are you not busy? Why are you not working on yourself? You got all this free time. You scrolling, you, you know, uh watching other people's videos, you commenting doing this. And I'm not saying you can't do that if that's what you're supposed to be doing, but I just want you to work on you so you can become the person you're supposed to become, and then life can really become more present. Because, you know, me and my wife, I was talking to her, I said, hey, when was the last time, you know, you your life was just life? She said, I don't know, it's been some time. And I was like, it has. When you truly enjoy your life, you're more present with the moment. And that's what I'm trying to get people to do. I want people to find out how important they are so they start making better decisions. And I I believe in people, you know. So if you don't know me, like I believe in people. I believe that if people had better information, they would make better decisions and we would have different results and outcomes that would be more be easier to describe. But being that people don't understand how much work it actually takes to be in a relationship, specifically men, that's why we out here losing. That's why like women say they can be, they can do it bad by themselves. And men don't understand that part. Men got all these options out here and still remain in trying to be single. It's crazy. Like, if you were important, if you thought you were important, would you just spread yourself to everybody? Come on, like, how important are you? Like, I don't understand that part. Like when you know, oh, you don't know. My bad. My bad. Because you know what? There was a time where I didn't know. You know, you hear these messages and you think you're supposed to do this, and then you realize, hey, I was following the wrong message. So I'm telling you guys, if you believe you're important, stop sharing yourself with people. Find out who you are so you don't make a mistake and try to put it on the Lord because it was destiny for you to make that mistake. I ain't look, this podcast is to help people. And sometimes we make mistakes. And no matter how you cover it up, it's still a mistake and you learn from it. But a lot of times we blame it on sins and all these other things. You're gonna make mistakes. How about learn from it and not make the mistake again? Find out why you keep making the mistake. Like, people don't know that the goal of life is to master self. That's what I believe. Mastering self. Because once you master yourself, you can share something with a person and build something that we haven't seen. Think about it. If men and women knew how to really build, we'd be a lot further along. But we're stuck because men don't realize in order for us to evolve, we have to think something's wrong. And we don't realize we're the problem. So this is the time where I'm trying to articulate. If men are going to become who they're supposed to be, they got to put that work in that they ain't never seen before into the relationship.

Build On Purpose With Daily Routines

SPEAKER_01 19:39

So if you if you picked her, she's worth it. Now, if she screw you over, you allowed her in your life. You didn't do a good betting process for the person that you're supposed to be. Important people don't just let anybody in their life. That's what I'm saying. Once you realize how important you are, you stop making those mistakes. Relationships are for mature people. And if you work on yourself, you get on a schedule and you work on yourself consistently, you become the person you didn't even know you could become. You gotta do it on purpose.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Like, like in order to truly become the person you're supposed to become. You gotta put the work in. Period.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

And when you when you really put that work in, it becomes like uh contagious. It's like, oh my gosh. Like sometimes I think like, what if I stop waking up at four o'clock in the morning? Like, you know, like I I'm like, what would I do? I really like getting up in the morning because everybody asleep. I feel like I could be productive at the time. But maybe it's gonna be a time where I don't have to get up as early. But I still want to do my routine. I want to get the things done. I think the earlier I get it done, the more I feel like I'm getting closer to my goal. So I think that's the reason why I enjoy in the morning, because nothing can prevent me from becoming the person I'm gonna become because I'm up early before any distractions can say, Johnny, you don't have time to do this. So I'm focused. I'm trying to become cold. People say, what you trying to become cold at? Life, including the relationship, because I believe me and my wife have something special, and I'm gonna keep working on it until people understand that you can have it too. Like, it just got you just gotta put that work in. You know, pushing this idea, you're supposed to be single. You have no idea the the fruits you could create by putting that work in on purpose.

Conversations First And Final Challenge

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Remember, conversations are the key. If you can talk to them, like it's a different, it's a different respect. Even when you get upset, it's like you can that's who you need to be working on a relationship with. A person you can have a conversation with no matter what it is. You guys respect each other. You understand, because everything else is just for play. And most of y'all are too old to be playing these games. You play these games long enough, you end up losing. And I don't want y'all to lose no more. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A, get after that action, or the action will get after you. Be great on purpose.