183 Relationships Are For Mature People

Transcript

Why Maturity Beats Age

SPEAKER_00 0:11

What up, Doe, and welcome back to I'm Growin' Man. Shaman John D. In the building, we are definitely in May. I don't know when you guys will receive this, but I know I'm catching up. I gotta do a few episodes so that I can end this school year out on a wonderful note. But today's topic that I plan to infiltrate into the mainstream so that we can get some better results with these relationships. I'm gonna talk about that. And before I go into what I want to talk about, I do want you to know that me and my wife have known each other since 2001, so a quarter of a century. We've been married to be 18 next month. So I said all that to say that I think I have pretty good perspective on ways to improve relationships or entice people to work on themselves before they get into something as complicated as a relationship. Your age does not make you eligible for a relationship. It's all about maturity. But before I go on, this message is for those who's trying to receive something different. I just feel like the way the way that I've the way that I feel I think if men decided to consider some different messages and understand we fall for some some some poor messages and we make some mistakes, but we can definitely, you know, look for different options so that we can create better results. So there are levels to relationships, and in order to get to a level in a relationship where you get a result you haven't seen, you have to do things that are different. Now you guys have been hearing I've I've said this from I wouldn't say the very beginning, but since I've like matured in a way where there's nothing outside of my house that could distract me away from what's really important. And that and that it includes every and anything inside my house. So sometimes we get these ideas that you know we're human and you know we have these instincts and this is how we're supposed to respond, and then you kind of relate it to like scriptures or old literature that says you're supposed to do this because for whatever reasons, but I do know that relationships are for mature people, and in order for a relationship to grow, it has to be intentional. So I was just thinking this morning, like, how did my wife and I get to this point where me, out of all people in the world, is talking about ways to improve a relationship. Now, mind you, I listen to people speak on it, but none of them look like anything that

Asking Questions Before You Build

SPEAKER_00 3:25

I feel like is different from what we've been following. And so that's that's one reason why I'm not going to compare my information to anyone else's, because it's going to take a very strong-willed man to be able to get what he wants. And this is not taking anything from the woman. But the way that I see it, if a man asks enough questions, he's going to be able to determine if this is someone he wants to build with. Now, when I say questions, these are questions that you have to be mature to ask. Because a lot of times, if you're immature, you're thinking about just a few reasons why you want to get to know this person. And a lot of times it's physically or something as short term as a good time. But if you really truly want to build with somebody, you're going to have to approach this person and give them a set of questions over a long period of time. Because if you truly want to build, you got to ask yourself, can I talk to this person? And if you don't know enough about this person, that's a red flag that says you are not mature enough to go on any further. And when I say that, I mean we have people having babies because there's a level of immaturity in us because we feel like that's our human nature. Now, mind you, I am only looking at the child, the product of it. If my parents are not together, it's less likely for me to have a shot out there because my parents were immature when they were creating babies. And I'm listening I was a product of it. I used to participate in it. I'm just saying that in order for us to grow, we have to change the message because I'm watching young people still practice messages that we've been practicing. And I hear men my age say it's okay, and it blows my mind because there are a lot of kids that never had a shot because we didn't know enough information. So we have to understand relationships are for mature people. So let's say you're in a relationship, you have to have intentional conversations. And when I say intentional conversations, I mean conversations that allow you to learn truly about each other. It is anything related to, you know, how they feel about a subject, something that's like if you talk enough, you'll find out what your person does not like to talk about. But I want you to know, in order to

Red Flags And Rushed Choices

SPEAKER_00 5:59

grow as the relationship is supposed to mature, you have to talk about those tough things. And a lot of times we can't talk about them because it'll trigger people. People will shut down, people will say things they don't mean. Where now, mind you, I'm trying to show you that it's levels and relationships. You have to approach this relationship like, you know what? Check this out. And I hate to do this. There are certain men in this world that look for particular women to breed with, and they want to create this product. Now, if you were as intentional as they were to create a product, that's how you should approach the woman or the partner you're dealing with. Because if you pick the wrong person because you didn't do the work, you're gonna say, I didn't know. I just did, I only did what I thought I was supposed to do. You're right. But if you're going to be different, you're going to have to hold yourself more accountable than the people around you. Because when I was young coming up, all my peers was doing the things that my father said was okay. So in my head, I was practicing these behaviors. And I'm just saying this because there are young men practicing these behaviors because older men say it's okay. So we have to have to have these tough conversations. That's why I said with your relationship before it even gets there. If this is your person, you have to have those tough conversations. If you don't have the tough conversations, you can't grow. I'm telling you, you cannot grow. You can grow in certain areas, but you will not grow in its totality because once your partner knows, and it's not about handling you, okay? I don't want people to think that this is like if I know something that bothers you and I'm not able to communicate effectively where it won't trigger you, I have to know that maybe this isn't the time to talk. And a lot of times, like, how am I supposed to be able to do all that? You can work to that point. That's why I said it is it is levels to a relationship. When you know you have your person, the last thing you want to do is hurt your partner's feelings. And a lot of times our responses, like, I never knew what I was doing. Like my wife would say, like, you can say things and make me feel like I'm stupid and don't even say I'm stupid. Like, what? Like the way that I looked, and I didn't realize these, the my body language was that offensive.

Tough Talks Without Triggering

SPEAKER_00 8:19

My father used to tell me that I had a I had body language that made me, made him want to punch me in the face. My gosh. For real, for real. Like, and I didn't learn, that's why I got in so many fights. I didn't realize that my body language was like, I wish he would. And I wouldn't even say anything. I'm like, why are people picking on me? But my body language saying I want to fight. And it took me a long time to realize that. But it is levels in the relationship. And the more your partner knows, the more you know, the better you guys can go on and continue on the journey. Because the more conversations you have, you'll eventually learn to share feedback. And sharing feedback is the best information you could ever get in a relationship because you can immediately fix it if it's something that you found out. Because at the end of the day, if I say, hey, I don't like when you do this, like you could either do it or not do it. You know, and but my point is if you don't give that feedback, that person will continue to do it and you'll probably continue to get mad thinking that that person's doing it on purpose. And sometimes it's not on purpose. They have other things in their life that is occupying it. So if it's not going to mess up your day, understand that other people got things, you know, but you have to be in the relationship to truly know what's important and what's not. Because I used to be mad about certain things and I'd be like, wait, why do you keep doing this? I told you not to do this. And as a man, I was like, I've specifically said, I don't like this and you're continuing to do it. And I had to come to the conclusion, like, is this gonna make or break our relationship? Some people would be like, hey, so if you fixing yourself, why did she get away with it? You know what I've determined? That my wife, my wife is cold and so many different things, like in life. Like, she's overly consumed with everything. And I realize that I'm able to compartmentalize a lot of things and just focus on whatever I want. But I don't know if women have that ability because they're always putting everybody before themselves. And I think my wife has given me the freedom to find who I am, and I'm supposed to somehow compliment her. Look, I'm just learning this right now, talking to you guys. Like, I'm like, I've been trying to take different responsibilities from her, but I think that just women have this genetic makeup where they're in health mode to everybody

Feedback That Changes Everything

SPEAKER_00 11:00

but themselves, and it's just too much. And I think that these next years in our in our marriage, my job is to let her know that I got it, I can protect her in a way that she deserves. She don't know that's my well, she does know. I tell her all the time. Every time she tells me, like, who would have ever thought that you would have become this person? And I was like, you're right. But I was like, this is the baseline because I only want to get better. So when I tell you that there's levels in relationships, like I know like my wife is my person, right? Outside has distractions, but they're not really even distractions. It's what I was taught were distractions. There's nothing outside I'm interested in. You know, I used to be interested in being that in the life of an idea. And it was like trying to balance house and outside. And I was like, who am I following? You know, what messages? And all I was thinking about balance. And I didn't realize that although outside can look enticing, you are like most people don't even know the person that they're supposed to be with is right in their face. And if you're following a wrong message, you'll, I won't say Mr. Boat, because it is your life, you're making these decisions, right? But in order to get what you want out of a relationship, this is for everybody, because I don't think anybody is really, I don't think anybody is really can really understand what I'm trying to say. And it's probably gonna take like a few years before people start actually working on a relationship on purpose, intentionally, where like they develop results that nobody's ever seen before. When men understand they are truly the controller of their fate, and everything outside is a distraction. Money is a distraction. Money is necessary, but the idea of chasing

Money Distractions And Real Commitment

SPEAKER_00 12:53

it so that you don't have to work for it is the trick. So I'm challenging you all, all you men, become so cold in something where money doesn't even matter. Like I've seen people become millionaires and then they want to become multimillionaires and then they want to become a hundred millionaire and then they want to become a billionaire, and it's like it takes a whole lifetime. But the relationship thing is the coldest journey that any man could ever go on because you're creating it. And if you do a really good job in the beginning, you picked her so you can be like, I did this. But you have to interrogate this young lady. And when I say that, I mean like finding out their family history, finding out how they respond when they're upset, are they open to things? Are they not open to things? And don't think like you're gonna change the person's mind later. And I'm not saying you can't, but if you go into this game thinking you can change that person's mind later because you're married, you are setting yourself up for failure. And I don't want, I don't want people to keep failing at that part of the game. Like this journey is extremely beneficial if it's done on purpose. Now, mind you, some of you guys have been married for years and don't even like to talk to each other that much. You don't you talk to each other rarely. But how do you get past the hump if you guys don't learn about each other? And I will say this those of you, you'll find out, like, dang, if I knew this, we would have never been together. Me and my wife has gone through that too, like, like for real for real, but you're so much further than everybody else. Like, okay, so you found out that you guys, if you guys did what you were supposed to do in the beginning, you'd have been with different people. But now you're here. Now let's build and create something that hasn't been written because you guys have not ever put in the work intentionally. And I will say this like, if a man actually accepts the responsibility saying, I'm gonna make my wife, my lady, the happiest woman in the world, no matter what it looks like. It is so rewarding in ways that you because when I look around, I'm like, men don't say that, right? But when I look at my wife, she makes me feel like, like she's like, I don't say proud of me, but she she's proud of, you know, the energy we've created. And she knows how this makes me feel too, because I almost feel like this is my it's like my masterpiece, right? I remember when I first started podcasting, I was like, what was my niche gonna be? And I just didn't know. So I was just gonna take people on the journey. Like I would first it was sales, and I was like, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna become the best salesman in the world, and I realized how difficult that was, but I went back in education. And when I did that, I was like, I'm gonna become the best teacher. I'm gonna become one of those teachers where, you know, I'm gonna put in this work where somebody says, yes. I remember Mr. Lewis used to say this, and I'm gonna help change their life. And then I went back in administration, and then I would just like, like, I'm gonna become the best administrator ever. I'm gonna make my principal the greatest principal. Like, and I'm on that path because that's what I want to do. I want to find ways to get better. I ask for feedback. I love to get the feedback so that I can go try to find answers so that I can make something that much better with my intentional effort. Like, I want to be a part of something that actually brings things together. So that's my intent, right? So we get to this point where I'm like looking at the things that I've done, and I was just like, me and my wife intentionally talk every single day for the last five years, right? Since I've been back. And the hours sometimes would be, we could literally in the summertime when I was off, we would talk like eight or nine hours, or we'd be around each other up to 12 hours. So we'd have just like a short period of time where we weren't with each other, you know, but we were just learning, and I just look back and then where we are now, it's like the levels that we've created. And like, check this out. This could be the very beginning of what I'm talking about. Me and my wife just entered this zone where, and I do want you to know, I'll remind you, it'll be 18 years next month. So I've had enough experience to know, like, I've never felt like this before. The last six years, last six years, I've never felt like this before. Well, I don't want to use never. Let me say. The last six years, I have not felt this way ever in my life. And it only gets better. So what I want to do with my wife is to continue to make her feel that way because the more I do that, the more I'm committed to like creating this feeling that she didn't even know could be made, because she's never heard that a man would do this on purpose and be intentional about it every day. And I've like committed to do it for the rest of my life. And I feel like my kids are going to see the father that I tried to become or I'm trying to become for them to be a better example to say, hey, you know, like you deserve somebody who's willing to build with you, so be intentional. You know, relationships are for mature people. And I've told them, like, you know, like don't worry about that. To the point where somebody will want to build with you, but they want to play the games that young people play at this age, and that's where a lot of the mistakes happen. And I'm not saying mistakes can't happen later, but let's find out who we are before we allow somebody who may not be qualified to hold your heart and break it. And then, or you do the vice versa. Like nobody gets in a relationship thinking that's gonna happen, but that somehow happens. So if we could do a better job with asking the right questions and not passing red flags, because if you pass a red flag, I'm not saying you can't get through the storm, but it's gonna be difficult. So don't pass anything that you think you can fix is a red flag. And I'm gonna I'm gonna be honest with you because my wife said that her mother passed this message out. Whatever you don't like is gonna get 10 times worse. Because everybody's showing you their best version because they don't want to lose you, they want you to be a part of this. So it's up to you to ask the right questions so that you can get responses to think rationally. And if you don't, you'd be like, oh, you know, she made this much, you know, her family got this, or she looks really good, or she can sing, she cooks really well. Like, like you have to really think like, can I talk to this person when none of this other stuff matters? Because if things get hard, you want to be able to talk to this person. If things are having a good time, you want to be able to talk to this person. That's how the relationship grows. Intentional conversations. Intentional conversations create intentional feedback at some point. And I'm telling you, when you get that feedback, your relationship changes. Like it's just, I don't know. But I I am going to continue to find ways to get better in this relationship because I I love my wife more than words can describe. And it's not even trying to describe the words, it's trying to convince men that the effort we were told wasn't enough. And that's the reason why we're losing. And I'm not saying they're not happy relationships out there, but I'm telling you this, they could become happier. And it only happens through intentional effort. And that's a tough conversation for relationships that believe they're happy. Are they doing everything they can to take the relationship to the next level? And it's typically led by the man. The man does everything he's supposed to do, the woman will step up. And if the woman doesn't step up, that's a tough conversation they'll have to have. Because if the man feels like he's doing all of this, it's a conversation they need to have. But I tell you this, I truly believe that women are overwhelmed with a lot of the things that they think about throughout the day, like, or things that they have to do. And I don't think men know to have. And I could be wrong, but I know this the way that my wife has told me, it makes me want to do more for her because I know I don't think like that. And I believe my wife is more similar to these women than me. So she's convinced me, and if I could be a sounderboard to help men, you know, become a better husband, a better partner, a better father in any capacity. Remember, this message is only for those who are looking to receive a message that they can accept. Because I don't believe any and anything around you can stop you if you want it. You just have to do it on purpose. And the relationship that I've created with my wife has been something that I've been practicing, and I want to continue to push this message

Teaching Craft And Daily Accountability

SPEAKER_00 21:43

because she makes me give a hundred percent in other areas when she's not around. And that's including my job. And for those of you that don't know, like I'm in her home town, I'm in her home city, and I work for their school district, and I want to. To help make this school district premier. And I know it's going to take an effort that they haven't seen before because I haven't seen this before. So I'm going to just continue to work and improve. And hopefully by the time that I leave, that I'll influence several young men to go in education because to help change the trajectory of a family is a gratification that no money. I know people's like, I could do that if I had the money. But just imagine if you can teach somebody how to do it for themselves. You don't pay for them to get out of nothing. You teach them how to do it for themselves. And I believe you have to be a teacher. You have to learn the craft of it. You have to understand the empathy of an environment that you didn't grow up in. You have to understand that just because your view may have been a view that people wouldn't understand, that you're going to need different perspectives and different hats and different experiences to impact so many different kids. Like when men realize that is the journey, like these other jobs are going to become less important because to teach someone to do something for themselves creates a different person. And I know people think that educators are underpaid. I just think it's areas for us to improve. And once we take the accountability of working on our craft every single day, I think that's when educational change. These professional athletes, they work on their craft every single day. These professional musicians, they work on their craft every single day. Educators have to work on their craft every single day. People may not believe in that, but I'm saying in order to change, that has to be done. Just imagine if you know you knew all your life you wanted to be a teacher and you worked on the craft of whatever it looked like as a kid to become a teacher at an early age. You went to college and you did very well, and then you got into the field and you were like, oh my God, these kids are crazy. But you've been preparing all your life, but you work on it every single day. At some point, you're going to develop a routine because you're going to understand your environment. Once you figure it out, you're going to be able to teach other people, and these kids are going to be like, I get it. We have to approach education differently if we're going to change a message and help these families become something that we haven't seen before. I really do appreciate y'all's time. Like I get on here to share my thoughts because my wife gives me the energy to want to share with other people. Like there are people that disagree with me because they don't want to accept accountability. They really control their own fate. If you don't accept that, that means you're allowing something else to dictate your future. And I don't worry about anything I can't control. If my wife's unhappy, I'm trying to figure out why and what can I do to make her not feel that way so that she can yield a different performance. And when I see her happy and smile, like I feel like I'm doing my job. So y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A. Get after that action, or the action will get after you. Be great on purpose.