176 Marriage On Purpose

We keep hearing the same tired relationship advice, and it keeps producing the same results: confusion, avoidable heartbreak, and families trying to heal without steady partnership. So we go straight at the root problem, the message many men inherit about what “winning” looks like. We talk about marriage as a choice to build wholeness and protection, not just a label, and why making your partner happier on purpose can change how you move through the world.

From there we get practical about what actually builds a healthy marriage and a lasting relationship: communication every day, tough talks that do not get skipped, clear boundaries, and rules that keep misunderstandings from turning into permanent damage. We share why intent matters more than perfection, how growth happens when you stop repeating the same mistakes, and why kids benefit from seeing a relationship that repairs itself in real time. If you want modern marriage advice that feels real, this conversation stays grounded in effort, honesty, and consistency.

We also take on maturity, sex, and responsibility without flinching. We argue that intimacy is powerful but not meant to be the only glue, and that careless choices around dating and procreation can create lifelong consequences. We talk about protecting your heart, learning who you are before letting someone into your energy, and paying attention to how a person treats their family because those patterns often show up later in your home.

If this hits a nerve, share it with a friend who needs a better message, subscribe for more grounded conversations on relationships and personal growth, and leave a review with the one habit you think saves marriages. What’s one “rule” you wish you learned about love earlier?

Transcript

Welcome And The Marriage Question

SPEAKER_00 0:11

What up, Doe, and welcome back to I'm Growin' Man, Shaman John D in the build. But when I woke up, I started thinking about if she and I work on this relationship union, and some people may say, like, but you don't need marriage to do that. Absolutely right. But if you care about your person, you would want to make her the happiest she could ever feel. And you know what marriage does in her mind? It's gonna make it where you guys are whole. She believes that you're going to complete her and give her this sense of protection. And I think that throughout mankind the story has always been in favor of the man, right? Where I've gotten now, I just believe that we've been following the wrong message. So the happier I make her the happier I make her, the more she enjoys the world. And that allows me another day to like try to give her something that she didn't even know I could give her. And I think uh the relationship she and I have created, I think in order for man, because I believe all women would love the idea that their man is literally trying to make a day improve because of him. Not just because he makes a lot of money, but to create the relationship to like want to be in. I believe all women would want that. I think all people will want that, but I don't think man, as in the male species, understands the work it takes to get there because we've been following this message that has been failing relationships. And I just feel like where I am now, I mean like just think about it. If you work on the relationship on purpose, it's gonna get better. And when I say work on it, it's really the communication part. Like you guys gotta have tough conversations, you guys gotta create rules, you gotta set boundaries. But if you allow anything outside of communication to be the focal point of your relationship, you're in trouble. Because there's gonna be a lot of misunderstandings. And like, I'm human, I'm gonna make mistakes, but those mistakes won't happen again because my intent is to improve. And she sees that I don't want to repeat anything I've already done. And the relationship has grown in ways where I feel like if men knew that part, they would conquer differently. Because the conquer we've been trying to do was creating babies with like less chances of being great because they gotta make it through so much without the influence of a man in the household. So we have to change that message because if we don't, we just gonna be like wishing. Because it's it's it's difficult to change a message once a week or you know, every other weekend uh versus every day. And I'm just saying, we have to change the message for these young people. They out here increasing their numbers because they think that is the man way. Like that's like that's pure ignorance. Like you don't want to share your seed with just anybody, you're too important. But if you knew you were important, you wouldn't do that. I'm telling you, if we don't change the message, like it's too easy to get caught up in the game. And then, like, what kind of you okay, you did better than your father. I don't know. We could do way better than our fathers, because our father is a low bar. Like, that's how important you are. We have to change the message. Like, relationship I've created with my wife. I wish every man knew what I was talking about so that they could turn it on and their family would change instantly because their kids would look at a relationship that was growing right in front of them so that they would learn how it is to be treated, how to handle conversations, how to handle situations, because you guys are going through the process. You would rather your kids learn from your example than anybody out in the streets. I'm not saying I have all the answers at all, but I do know if you work on the communication with your partner and you work order, like you work on it like on purpose, like every single day for the rest of your life, y'all's relationship gonna become something cow. I'm telling you, like, because ain't nobody nobody's doing this on purpose. But like, it's so many hours in the day where you can work on your relationship. I'm just blessed that I've gotten here because I used to waste my time for real. I didn't realize that's how many traps was out there. You really gotta come from a a family that that that understands because me and BIH are fooling. And when I say that, it's like we just like the blind leading the blind. That's and that's unfortunate. Because if you're important, you can't be making them decisions. That's the way I that's the way I look at it. So you either gonna be the example or be the example. One way or the other. It's only you. Marriage, I know that we're gonna get to do it more because you know, we're getting older, our kids are gonna leave, and it's gonna be just she and I, and that means it's like time's gonna compound. You know, like people be like sometimes they gotta get away from their person. When, you know, when you put in work, like it's not like it doesn't feel like that. Well, I guess I don't know. Like, I think when I was younger, I think the uh the message was that guys needed to get away because they were tired of how women s mate slave them in the house and, you know, all of this stuff. But I was like, my wife wasn't anything like that. You know, uh to me, I felt like I was like anything we're gonna go have. Was like I wanted her to not ever feel like she was doing all the work. And what's so crazy is that I follow these ideas men said that I was supposed to have, and she did too, but it was just a conflict where it just it just didn't make sense, you know. So as we've gotten older, we did have those moments. I look back, but within the last five years, our relationship has grown in ways that very proud of, I wanna say, because I'm on here trying to promote the relationship because it can become cold if you work on it on purpose. Like people be waiting for accidents or miracles. Like, you gotta get to know your person on purpose. And if you think participating in adult activities like intercourse is important, I'm gonna tell you. It's only important to make babies and intimate moments. If you make it more than that, you're gonna fall for the wrong reasons and fall hard. And it's not necessary. Like I'm just letting you know, it's not that important. And if you think it's important like that, relationships, including marriages, are for mature people. Like if you if you think I'm trying to get one over on you, I'm not. I'm just trying to keep it real. Like, I know enough that if you follow those other messages, life is gonna be way more difficult. I'm not saying you can't do it, but I just say most of the men don't look as happy as I feel. And I'm telling you, I challenge any man. I mean, that's that's that's on everything I love. Like, and I'm gonna do this for the rest of my life. I'm gonna try to make my wife the happiest woman to ever walk the earth because like without her, that give me the cheers right there. I don't even want to think about that. And Lord knows I I played enough games, but that's how I learned that relationships are for mature people. So if you're not mature, you shouldn't even get in a relationship. Practicing for the next person, you know, like I don't somebody's gonna get their heart broken. And if you're important, why would you just let anybody hold it? Like, you can't be mad that they broke your heart. And you definitely not qualified enough to hold anybody else's heart at that at that age where if we're talking about anything I'm talking about, like, I'm gonna tell you why. You're still learning who you are, get to know who you are. Like, you allow somebody in your energy can distract you before you find out how really important you are and change your complete role with somebody that was not worth your time. I'm not saying they're not important. I'm just saying you don't have to do that. Because if you do that, that puts you on a trajectory that you have to go all in for, or we know the other stories. So you just I just want you to be more careful with who you allow to get that close where you could get your heart broken. And I'm not saying everybody um everybody is intending to break somebody's heart, but if you don't really get to know a person, like when I say get to know a person, I mean like find out how they treat their family, their siblings, you know, do they talk to their family, do they talk to their parents? Like these things are really important for later. And I'm telling you this if they're not talking to them, it's gonna be tough later if you keep going forward. And I'm not saying you can't make it, I'm just saying the journey of so many different things coming out later. Because if you're gonna be in a successful marriage and you're gonna be happy, you have to unlayer parts of your family that you've blocked out that is making you a whole different person. And your person should know everything about you so that they can protect you in ways you can't see. But if you are blocking things away and it's gonna be tough for that, for that situation. And I'm not saying you don't deserve parts of the relationship. I'm just saying you should find yourself and heal before you just get into a situation because sometimes we follow messages about having intercourse to uh unlock and free, like sometimes you just gotta release. You don't have to. I don't know the that story, but I just know that the consequence of doing those activities could end up in having a kid with somebody you don't want to like. And that's the problem. Like um I just feel like if a man on the other side of me is talking about we should be able to procreate and all of that, they don't know how to be, they don't know how it is to be that kid hoping that they're gonna make it from where without their father. You know, like when I say procreate, I'm talking about at uh an irresponsible age. And that's called immaturity. You shouldn't be having kids if you're immature. No matter, no matter your age, you should not be having kids if you're immature. And that includes adults. Adults are, what, 18 and up? Like if you are just having intercourse with random people where the consequence could possibly be bringing a kid into the world, that's immaturity at its finest. And I'm not saying that that ain't the life you want to live, but I'm just saying that's that's that's wild. I would hate to be that kid. Because it's already tough out here. Now I gotta like, I gotta hope I'm this miracle. That's not fair. So we have to change the message. We we've been following the wrong message for a long time, and I'm willing to sit with anybody to tell me the message they're talking about is right because we're here. We still in wars, like, and I know we went from marriage to that, but I'm just saying, it's like we could really be working on ourselves so we can attract the energy we really deserve, so you can actually build. Because I'm telling you, there's a lot of immature people out there, and they don't know that they're immature, it's just that they just they're following the wrong message. And and check this out. My message is this you're too important to just be doing that with anybody. Yeah, I'm talking to you. You are too important just to be doing that with anybody. That's all I'm saying. You know, like I don't know how old you think you are where you feel like you can make the best decisions for yourself. But if the person you're doing that with can't like give you ultimately what you need in life, you gotta ask yourself, am I mature? Do I need to be like we have to like empathize with what's the worst case scenario? And if you're not thinking like that, it's because that give me the chills too. Because I remember being that person. Yeah. And and you know, I remember, how about this? I asked me in before, you know, like some guidance, some advice. And when I say that, I mean just about marriage. And their advice wasn't it didn't get me any closer to to where I am now. It just made me feel like I was supposed to just figure this out. But I'm saying that if I knew if they were like, man, just get just talk to her every day. Talk about any and everything. You know, like if y'all, if y'all got things y'all can't talk about, write it down and figure out why you can't talk about it and get to know each other. As you get to know each other, other things will unlock, but you gotta make sure the person you want to do this with is interested in getting to know you because the conversation unlocks a part of the relationship that makes you want to wake up the next day and go make them donuts. You know what I'm saying? Like, it makes you like feel like, okay, so when I get done making the donuts, I get to go work on this relationship. Like, man, how about this? Entrepreneurs uh know this a lot more than everybody else. Like when you like really good in business, you make this money, right? You you just you just figure it out. The successful, you know what I'm saying? Like everybody else, they go work for somebody, they tell them how much they're worth. Just imagine if your relationship is your business and you work on it every day. Return of investment is gonna be so cold. Like, and guess what? Depending on how intentional you are, you could put as many hours as you want. I don't know. Like, I don't know too many people that work with their partner, but if you worked with your partner, oh my gosh. Just imagine, but see, that's what I'm saying. Like, I know some of y'all be like, be around your wife that long, man. If you knew the benefits of why you should try to, that's the reason why communication is the most important part of this entire thing. Marriage. Marriage is for mature people, right? And then the communication aspect. You have to put 10,000 hours. If you put 10,000 hours into your uh conversation every single day, your relationship changes into a what it turns into something I can't explain. But then you'll like, if you just make it a routine where it's a part of your everyday life, it doesn't look like it's work. But it's the hours of study, they're steadily uh accumulating. So my wife knows when you know we sit down, we're about to talk about something, we're about to watch something, but at some point we're gonna exchange like throughout the day, like what happened. But I'm saying like we know that that's gonna happen because that's just that's we enjoy that part. But I enjoy it even more because no matter how many conversations we have, I know that I enjoy the way that I feel. Like, for real. Like I I enjoy the way I feel. Like it's feeling it that I could describe, but I know I I want peace in everybody. You know what I'm saying? Like, if I think if somebody's arguing, I'm trying to like de-escalate that. I don't want this person to feel like this. That's the last thing I want them to feel. You know what I'm saying? I I I want I want to, when I arrive, I want everybody to know I come in peace. Like, if anything is wrong, what can I do to help fix it? Like, that's what I want to do. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what it looked like, but if I can participate and I can help change it, just let me know what I can do. That's the way that I want people to know. So my marriage has turned me into this person that feels like I just want to get home safely so I can continue working on my relationship. Like, how what kind of feeling is that? Like, I'm out here cold, like for real. Like, that's how she makes me feel. And you know, like she's in service too. Like, she's out here helping people. So, you know. All we doing is like doing what we can to help the common person realize how important they are. Y'all made today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A. Get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.