172 Hard Road, Real Love

What if the hardest path in love is the only one that actually works? We dive into why friendship should be your foundation, how standards protect your peace, and the surprising power of removing sex early so you can see a partner clearly. Along the way, we unpack practical rules that prevent predictable blowups, like avoiding hot-button topics when you know your filter is thin, and we show how a few smart boundaries can turn arguments into honest, productive conversations.

I share how a tough week revealed something deeper in my marriage: the strength that shows up when the bond is built on purpose. We talk selection with intention, reading family patterns without judgment, and guarding your heart until someone proves they can hold it. Men, this one calls you higher. Being “cold” in the relationship means composure, not distance: less ego, more steadiness, and daily choices that make your home feel safe. The message is simple but not easy—choose the difficult road now, and your future self will thank you.

If you are over 40 and single, you are not late. You can still build something beautiful by slowing down, asking better questions, and prioritizing friendship before fireworks. Effort compounds; hours together become fluency, then trust, then momentum that spills into every area of life. That’s how private discipline becomes public light. Press play to learn the rules we use, the habits that keep us from triggering each other, and the mindset that turns love into a craft. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs a new roadmap, and leave a review to help more people find the difficult road worth taking.

Transcript

Friendship As Relationship Foundation

Easy Road Vs Difficult Road

Vetting Partners And Family Patterns

Intentionality And Protecting Your Heart

Beyond Superficial Reasons And Growth

Removing Sex To Reduce Mistakes

Maturity, Promiscuity, And Purpose

Men Owning Selection And Standards

Why Women Leave And Seeking Happiness

Rules For Communication And Triggers

Boundaries Around Alcohol And Hot Topics

SPEAKER_00 0:11

What up, Doe, and welcome back to I'm Growin' Man. It's your man John D in the building. So today's episode is something that I feel like I can help change the evolution of mankind if someone's willing to receive the message. Now, I do believe friendship is essential to the soul. Most of you already know. I believe in that. But friendship is essential to the soul with the relationship you create with the person you're supposed to be with. And this week was a very tough week for me. But not only that, my wife, she she helped me in ways that I don't know if she would have done this, let's say 10 years ago for me. But she's there for me in ways that I believe if men knew this place I'm describing, they would get to here, to this place quicker. So depending on where you are and how you view the relationship, I was having a good conversation with a good friend of mine. For the most part, we were taught some poor messages about a lot of things, specifically relationships. So I want to start where if you're not in a relationship and you're looking for a new way to approach it, these are my suggestions. Get to know this person in a way where you can honestly make a rational decision. I do know people will pass red flags because the way the person looks or um whatever potential you think you could create. But if you can't have a conversation with this person that's not related to like let me see. And when I say single people, I'm referring to like in their 70s, where if they make it that long, the relationship with someone is so important. Now, a couple friends of mine said they would rather have peace than anything, right? So I'm gonna tell you guys, and and I didn't realize how I could, I I I learned to say it differently for him. You can want peace, right? But today you are the smartest person you've ever been. Do you want to take the easy road or the difficult road? Now, some people's like, I'd rather take the easy road, but once you get to wherever you get, and you're gonna look back and say, I probably should have taken the difficult road. Because the difficult road will yield emotions, accomplishments, uh, energy that you can't get unless you go on that road. So when I look at relationships, this is by far one of the most difficult journeys you could ever take if you don't have specific rules. Now, I do believe if I had these rules in somebody to practice them and remind me, I could have approached this a lot better. But people have to really learn who they're trying to be with. Now, that goes into looking into their family. Like you have to see how they treat their brothers and sisters, how they treat their parents. Because it, let's say hypothetically, you find somebody that don't have a good relationship with their mother, they're gonna have gaps that you're not gonna recognize later. And if you're not aware of that, it could cause like a problem in your relationship. So I'm not saying that you can't get through it. I'm just saying that it's going to take a lot more work than one can really anticipate in getting the true benefits of friendship is essential to the soul. Now, the reason why I do use friendship is essential to the soul because although it is my the motto of my fraternity, I believe that that is one way that everybody can understand why we care so much is if they developed a relationship with their partner where it elevates you in ways I can't describe right now. But as I mature into our relationship, maybe through these podcasts, this stuff will be easier to receive. So if you are intentional about your relationships, now that means if you're truly intentional, you have to really learn who you are before you allow somebody not qualified to hold your heart that could possibly break it. Now, the person that you meet is not intending on breaking the heart. But if they're not qualified to hold it and you don't know how to identify that, you could become a different person once that person breaks your heart. And I know some people are gonna say, hey, it's just a part of life. It is, but you could be a lot more proactive than letting somebody who's not qualified to hold your heart and break it because you become a different person. And people don't understand that part. Like, when you're in a relationship and you're like bubbly and you're really happy, the slightest thing can throw your entire day off, your week off, make you feel like you don't want to eat. And I don't feel like anybody should go through that. But if you do go through it, know that you need to practice better habits or better behaviors to get what you want. So I will I will say this too. It's really the man. Because I do feel like women generally want the same result. They want to be happy in a relationship, they want to travel, they want to be best friends with their partner, they want to do all of that. Now, if there are other reasons that I'm leaving out, I apologize. But in my mind, when a woman gets in a relationship with a man or their partner, they want to grow with this person. They want to know what it could become. Now, men, I feel like don't have enough information because we've been failing at this thing for so, so, so many centuries, so many eons of a lot of years. And I feel like now I have a breakthrough that will change the way you should look at relationships. But you really have to know who you are because people think that you know you can pick the wrong person. You can. But there's ways around that also. You can pick the right per wrong person, but you can grow over the course of time where that person was meant for you, where you could be like, oh, it was never the wrong person. I didn't know how much work it actually took for us to get here. Because if you get in a relationship for superficial reasons, you're not gonna last very long. And if you get married for superficial reasons, it's going to question your decision making at some point if you are if you don't know what it takes to be in a relationship. Now, I do think that intercourse needs to be removed out of the complete scenario. And and and this is why I say that. Too many mistakes can happen to anybody for you to get tied down to somebody that you do not want to be with. You know, people say it don't happen to everybody, but it could happen to you. And I I I've seen a couple videos about men talking about God don't make mistakes, but they have babies out of wedlock. God really doesn't make mistakes. It's us that made the mistake. And that's a tough conversation you're gonna have to have with yourself because a lot of times we allow God and our decision making to give us forgiveness, but we really don't know that it was our fault. Like God is always gonna forgive us. But if we continue to make poor choices, we're gonna call mistakes miracles or it was destiny. No, it was not. And honestly, I followed the wrong message too. And it took me a long time before I realized how blessed I was to still be able to like have everything intact. So as I continue to move forward and get better in communication, I just want to share ways to improve your relationship because if you really get to know the person, like ask them questions, take intercourse off the table, and if you guys want to know why, we can talk about it. But until you are taking the relationship seriously, understand this relationships are for mature people. If you're trying to participate in adult activities, the consequences are real with somebody that you don't want to be with. So I'm just trying to make give you better clarification on why we shouldn't move that way. Now, there are people that believe that you should be able to be promiscuous and live life freely. You are more than welcome to do that. But if you're looking to be in a relationship where you can actually grow and appreciate, it has to be on purpose. And like I said before, most of the women I speak with, people hate me using definite words because I say all women. So, majority of the women that I've come encountered, that I've encountered want to grow with their partner. We're just trying to convince men that the information that we had before wasn't good because nobody's out here promoting this happiness in relationships other than me. And I've been doing it long enough to know that I'm gonna continue pushing this effort to encourage men that the most important person in the world is them. But you have to believe it, right? So if you're important, that means you have to interrogate the person you want to be with to ensure that they deserve to be in your company. And if you pick them, they are willing to do any and everything to help you get to your goal. But you have to take yourself seriously enough to stop playing games and walk toward the road that has the best results. Taking the easy road is boring. And when you eventually look into the mirror and have a reflection of the route you could have actually taken, it'll eat you up on the inside. Because if your youth is past you and you can't catch up, that's a different type of living. And I'm not saying you can't live with that, but we have to change the message or we're going to destroy the family. Like, you either pick the right person or you pick the wrong person. At the end of the day, it was your decision. She did not trick you. And if she tricked you, you didn't ask enough questions because she tricked you. Like, you have to do your diligence. But every woman, for the most part, unless you're up to no good, because people get the energy they they give out, right? But if you have the intent on really doing the right thing, no woman is going to try to take advantage of you. Like, it doesn't even make sense. And I know that's the scary part, right? A lot of times men don't want their heart broken because they don't know how to identify a woman that can protect it. And like I said, most women will protect your heart, but you have to do your part, or she's not going to find the value of being there because most women leave relationships because one, their heart has been broken and they believe that the space will allow it to heal. Two, they didn't anticipate it being the way that it is. Three, they got in over their head. And no, we're gonna have to delete that. Because I don't even think I don't why do I mean? I don't know. I guess I shouldn't be speaking up on women, but I just know that nobody wants to be unhappy, right? That's the whole point of it. I was trying to be all scientific with it, but nobody wants to be unhappy. To be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul, you have to do the work. And that's the reason why I feel like I'm pushing relationships as hard as I that I'm doing, because that's one thing I can say. Men are not trying to be cold in the relationship. And I think that's one thing that men can participate on a daily basis, try to be cold in the relationship, and they will be they will benefit more than I can describe. So as I continue to work on my communication, notice men who are single, if you are over the age of 40, it's not too late. It might be too late for some kids, but it's not too late to create something beautiful with somebody because there are some beautiful women out here that's choosing to not allow men to play with their peace. And that's unfortunate, right? Because a woman gets in a relationship wanting this thing that's beautiful, but if a man's not mature enough, the lady has to play with her piece. So she was like, you know what, I can't wait for a man to mature or be ready for this. Because it takes, look, I'm willing to talk to any man that that believes that being single is the way to go. And any man that does believe that, I'll just say, hey, the most difficult route is the relationship. And I would rather that story than the road that you're on. And you're like, okay, that's me. I I do I'd rather have this story that the road I'm on. I don't want that because I know what the results look like. This one, you don't know what the road, the results look like. If you take the difficult route, you have to find ways to improve at it. So you just gotta know you're not good at relationships and you probably didn't have the best guidance. So understand it takes more work to be happy in a relationship, and if you learn how to put the work in, the benefits are they're worth sharing with your kids. I think being that I found this place with my wife, my kids and I have different conversations. Like the things that they deserve, like my son, when my son gets in a relationship, he's gonna be so much more mature than the person I was at his age because how he looks at his person. So when he does decide to go, I think that I don't know if he's if like she's gonna be qualified to hold his heart. And when I say that, I don't think a woman's gonna do it on purpose, but they only know what they know too. But he's going to treat her with respect and he's gonna teach her how to grow with him. Like what I think that a man who appreciates the relationship that I'm describing, every day is so purposeful. You know, the distractions are reduced, you know what's important, and there's a fulfillment in the relationship I've created with my wife that I've never had with anything. And I've done a lot of things. I've done some exciting things, I've done some things that in my not in my best hour, but things that would deem as like pretty, pretty exciting for men. And to look back, it was just like the messages we got were just they were poorly, poorly translated. So as I move, I want to I just want actually, I just want to help mankind realize what they're missing. This is almost like the they said it was difficult. You see, everybody's getting divorced. It's like you can't be the one to get over the hump. You can now, because we have better rules. You just got to do a better job in your selection. You select the person that that that you want to be with, you got to come up with some rules. Once you come up with these rules, these rules are to protect you guys because you guys, now mind you, we're all poor communicators pretty much at this point. Because if you can talk to somebody that you care for and trigger them and y'all get in an argument and it goes haywire, it's because you can't communicate well. Like you both care about each other, but you guys don't know enough about each other to not trigger. So you have to come up with these rules to keep you guys safe. It's just to protect you guys because sometimes when you get triggered, you will say things you don't mean and you might mean them, but you just don't want to say them out loud. But my point is it will reduce that because sometimes we are we can say some really mean things to each other. And some people are less forgiving, and you don't want to do that. So if we can come up with some rules, like me and my wife, we know this, like so we we participate in adult beverages, and if I've had more than two drinks, I tell her that we can't talk about politics or anything related to race. And the we have our reasons on like our views, but sometimes when I've had more than a couple of drinks, it's very difficult for me to practice educ, I mean, etiquette, conversation etiquette where I'm not offending her, because when I'm under the influence, it reduces my awareness where I'm easier to use language I don't normally use. So even though I'm saying it the way that I'm saying it, she doesn't want to receive it that way. She knows my intent, but if she's under the influence also, she could be triggered. So I can't expect her to be responsible for me not meaning it that way, but it's coming out that way. So we have rules where we have to protect each other. Now, mind you, uh, we've gotten so much better in those those incidences because typically it's me. I'm the one that I can't communicate well. And I have to learn ways to talk about difficult conversations in a way where she doesn't feel offended because even though they need to be discussed, you know, it's it's the way you talk about it. And you don't want anybody to feel a certain type of way because you said it, you know, in a way. So I've learned that creating those rules allow us to go further in depth in conversation than like it it's she knows so much more about me. And I feel like this it's so much more that I haven't even told her because we just haven't gotten to that point where you know it comes up because sometimes I think of things and then it goes. But the more time we spend with each other, the the camaraderie changes. And it's grown, it's grown in ways where she makes me feel like the journey of life is so much more like exciting, it's fulfilling, it's it's it's worth walking because I know like we're doing this together. And doing it together versus alone, just think about it. Doing it alone is a lot easier than doing it with somebody because it requires a different compromise, a different practice and communication. And if you really take it seriously, the benefits you get will let you know why it was so difficult because nobody is chasing down this relationship on like, how can I be cold in it? So if people actually did that, mankind would completely change. We would have less. Less misunderstandings because I think people would mind their business more. They would enjoy their company so much, their partners so much, that the distractions would be at an all-time low because they enjoy building with their partner. And I think that's the that is ultimately what's going to change the evolution. Because I don't think, I don't know how many years before my wife and I die, but we're going to keep working, accumulating these hours, right? So our relationship is going to turn into something. But even if it doesn't, there's going to be younger people that starts and they're going to be able to create something that we haven't seen because they'll do more hours and it'll, it'll, it'll be something beautiful. Like I think that if men took the difficult road, they'd be happier. You know, and and I really believe that. I think that our life is what we make it. And I believe your effort changes results. So I'm gonna work so hard to become a better partner and see what my wife can create. Because when she's happier, she she's more likely to pay it forward wherever she goes. Like when she goes outside, like you know, when you when you have a pep in your step because you feel safe, you're a different person. And I want my wife to have that every single day. She deserves it, and I'm gonna do my best to give that to her on purpose. It's not one of those things where I have to be reminded of it because it's in the routine, and the way she speaks to me now, I know that I'm doing the right thing because I think that's how you're supposed to be in a relationship where not too many things can bother you. And you know, and anything that bothers you, you just gotta figure out can you do anything about it? If you can't do anything about it, don't worry about it. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A. Get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.