growNman
growNman
154 Mature Love, Real Work
If “love should be easy” has ever left you confused, this one’s a reset. We lay out why relationships reward maturity, time, and structure—not wishful thinking—and why so much of what men are taught about leading, sex, and control quietly sabotages the very thing we say we want. The thesis is blunt: if you’re choosing partnership, you’re choosing responsibility for better information, shared rules, and discipline that protects your person when no one’s watching.
We start by challenging the myths: sex as strategy, submission as a shortcut, and the fantasy that chemistry can outrun poor habits. Then we get practical. How do you build a bond that holds under pressure? Create co-written rules in plain language. Put in 10,000 hours of real conversation so your partner knows your values, triggers, and goals. Make vulnerability a habit, not a last resort. If you don’t have the capacity or time to connect, wait—because asymmetry at the start becomes resentment later.
From there we move into accountability and healing. We talk about owning your role in past breakups, choosing readiness over rescue missions, and deciding upfront if you’re willing and able to help a wounded heart heal. We share how our hardest years became our strongest through grace, consistent effort, and a commitment to raise the bar on daily practices: frequent check-ins, explicit expectations, and honest protection of each other’s wellbeing. The result isn’t perfection; it’s a steady, resilient partnership built on trust you can feel.
If you’re tired of “choose peace” being code for avoiding growth, you’ll find a roadmap here: disciplined intimacy, better information, and leadership measured by outcomes—safety, stability, and shared joy. Listen, take what serves, and try it on purpose. If this resonates, subscribe, share it with someone who needs better inputs, and leave a review telling us the one rule you’ll add to your relationship today.
One thing you need to know, relationships are for mature people. If you are extremely busy or you have things that you're constantly bogged down with, maybe a relationship isn't for you at the time. Because you have to create a connection with somebody so that when you are lost in whatever you're doing, they know that you're doing good work and they don't have to worry about you. But if you try to create a relationship and you don't have the time for it, always somebody's gonna like somebody more in the beginning. But as you move forward, there's specific wants and needs that's necessary to keep a relationship functioning. And if a man is not providing that for the woman, why is a woman supposed to hold him down? Yaman John D in the building. Today's wonderful episode, I'm gonna focus on relationships. I'm just seeing just way too many negative perspectives, ideas from bad experience about relationships. Now, I do want y'all to know, relationships are for mature people. Now, there are a lot of people that believe that they're mature, but they have no idea that there are areas, blind spots that they need to mature before they even pursue a relationship. But growing up in a time that I grew up in, we got a lot of bad information. And when I say bad information, information that prevents us from reaping the benefits of relationships. If you have this idea that relationships are supposed to look a particular way and you haven't or weren't able to develop it while you were in one, I'm going to say that you had the wrong information. Now, with me saying that, I had the wrong information also. Through time, I have found ways that everybody can benefit, but you have to go in with the mindset that we got the wrong information. We had the wrong everything. So take this with an open mind that you can still win, but you have to just change your perspective. Now, I'm only going to speak specifically on the men's side. I will enlighten you on my perspective of what I think the women's side looks like. But on the men's side, we control everything. We're the one that's doing the choosing. And at the end of the day, she didn't trick you. She told you who she was. And if she tricked you, you didn't do your diligence in finding out how she could trick you because you were probably distracted by maybe the way she looked, uh, how much money she had, uh, her job, anything outside of getting to know if this person is compatible with you. And if you don't do that, you're going to come up with excuses. Now I'll tell you this: the only way you can get over that, huh, is if you accept accountability that you either didn't know what a woman looks like or a partner, you don't know what a partner looks like, or you don't know how much work it actually takes to develop the thing we call a relationship. And when I say a relationship, I'm not just talking about an experience. I'm talking about something you get into it on purpose to build. And when you are building, you have to know that it has to be a set of rules. And typically the rules that we created are wrong because we didn't have the best examples growing up and we had bad information. And I know it sounds so matter-of-factly, but coming from my perspective as a man and having conversations with men, I hear all of these excuses. Now, I do want you to know excuses can be valid if you don't have the right information. This information that I'm gonna give you, men, this information that I'm gonna give you, you can either go for it or you can continue and remain in the place that you're in. I'm seeing all over the world where men are choosing peace. They're choosing peace instead of finding the real fruits in a relationship. And my honest opinion, they're finding peace because they're they're just not good at relationships. And when you're not good at relationships and people say you're supposed to do this, then we have this antagonist, antagonist group of people that feel like relationships aren't for everybody. I don't, I don't know when you developed that perspective, but relationships are for everybody. Whether you're in an intimate one or not, we need them to continue to move forward and grow. Like it's a lonely place without interaction of people. And if you don't like interacting with people, the least you can do is have a partner that you can discuss these things with. And I do want to say relationships, they should not be built or they should not be contingent on sex. Sex is an a is a distraction. And some people may disagree, but my goal is to show you the benefits of a relationship if you remove the distractions of it. And I'm not saying give it up, but if you think it's very important in a relationship, it's not gonna last very long. Sex, now, this is going to disturb the matrix of people who believe they're doing the right thing. Sex should only be used to make babies and for intimate moments. And you are not allowed to have intimate moments whenever you feel like you have an arousal. That's a lack of discipline. A lot of you don't know that, but if you have a lack of discipline when it comes to that, you have an addiction. No addiction's good. And just because you get married, your wife is not supposed to fulfill that need every time you want to. I know that there are books that say that that's what women are for, but women are definitely more valuable than uh an addiction uh filler. Like, and I'm gonna tell you why this will not work. Women know they're more valuable than that. And you know, there are some women out there that believe that they're supposed to do that because they grew up learning that poor idea. Now, the reason why I say it's a poor idea, because through my experience, I've heard more women complain and be disgruntled by the idea that a man is supposed to get it whenever he wants. It's a lack of discipline. And I learned that the hard way because I used to challenge my wife. Like, and and you know what's so crazy? I challenged her by using the book that she followed. And at this time, it was the Bible. In the Bible, the woman is supposed to submit and all of these things. And I used to say that because she used the same terminology. She knew the Bible better than I did. So if she said it, I felt like it was right. But she was not fulfilling these duties that was written in this Bible. And it took for me to truly understand that this Bible was not in the best interest of my wife. And when I say that, I mean woman. Now, this is not to knock Christianity. I rocks with Jesus. But at this point, this was not in the best interest of my family. And when I realized that my wife was being held to a standard that is way too difficult for any human, especially if you're satisfying an addiction for the person that's supposed to protect you. So learning this, I realized the the missing piece in a majority of relationships are rules. Like you can't use other people's rules either. Like the things that I'm gonna give you, it worked in my relationship. Now, I'm not gonna say it won't work in your relationship, but you may be able to find better articulated rules where both of you can understand. So I'm gonna show you. Me and my wife, we created rules so that we can enjoy each other's company. And before we created the rules, in my mind, my goal was to get 10,000 hours of conversation with my wife. Through that journey, I learned that I didn't know enough about her. I learned that she didn't know enough about me. And it's not because of her, it was because I was a poor communicator and I didn't know how to be vulnerable in those moments to give her what she not only needed, but what she wanted. She wanted a friend that she could grow with. And I didn't know how to give her that because I had the wrong idea of what a wife was supposed to be. And a lot of the information just came from my experience, different books, her words. I had to be honest with myself. If this was going to be successful, this relationship, I had to change my complete perspective of what I grew up on. And I want y'all to know this. I'm not saying that I'm right, but I know that for centuries, relationships have failed regularly. And all I get is what didn't work for people. So I was trying to figure out what is going to work for me that maybe I can break down in small increments where I could give what helped me. Now, they say women like to talk a lot. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that men don't talk enough. And if we don't, we can't create that relationship I'm discussing. You have to be more than intentional in getting to know your partner. And I want you to know this, like I said earlier, relationships are for mature people. If you have not unlayered your trauma or uh unlayered your insecurities that you carry on a day-to-day basis, you're going to take that into the relationship. And this is the thing: it can work, but if you're not vulnerable enough to tell your partner your insecurities, you are going to expect them to know when they don't, and they're going to cross a boundary that you didn't give them and it's going to cause a conflict. A lot of times we assume our partner knows about us when it's things that we haven't even revealed. And if you don't reveal it, how do you hold your partner accountable for something that they didn't know? I used to just think that my wife was doing things when she had no information on it. And this is the thing. I may have told her, but it might have been only one time. Why is she supposed to remember it if I don't mention it? You know, as people say, you know, uh women will hurt, they'll use what they know against you. Pick a better woman. Pick a better woman. And I want you to know that woman who crossed the boundaries, she's been compromised or hurt in a way where she's known to use that. But if you got to know this person before you cross the boundaries of being in a relationship, she would have never wasted your time, or nor you would have wasted her time. A lot of times we think that people want to hurt their person. And that's not the case. So a lot of times it's just trauma that haven't dealt with coming from their childhood. I told my wife, the person that I am today, it only comes through intentional practice because my example, my father, he didn't know anything about a successful relationship. And his information that he gave me, although he had information that ended up being correct, he didn't practice it. So it was no way that I was going to be able to make it make sense for me. My mother left him. My grandparents' relationship before my grandfather died was it was different. They lived together, but it was different. You know, at that time they were living in different rooms. And then as I grew older, I'm learning that it doesn't make sense to separate because it's going to be way more expensive to live separately, and it keeps the family together. But I don't know if they were happy as they got older, but I know my grandmother was compromised as a young lady from my grandfather. My grandfather was a lot older, and at that time I do understand the circumstances because, you know, it it just was a regular thing then. And now looking back, I've I've gotten here and I'm trying to figure out what example I could give to my kids so that when they do find their partner, they'll have uh they'll have parents with better information. Like my wife and I, and I can honestly say this, we've created a relationship that I've never heard a man talk about. I've never heard, never seen it in a book, I've never seen it on a podcast. But the relationship she and I have, it's it's so awesome that it's only meant to be shared. And that's the reason why these podcast episodes are so important to me because I'm trying to be the person that I thought I needed before all of this started. And if I can give or share some wisdom from my experience, and I like I said, it may not work for you, but it's an option to try. And if you don't try, you can't say it don't work. I remember a lot of people say, John, that stuff may work for you, but it don't work for everybody. You're right. But have you tried it? And if you haven't tried it, you can't say that because the work that I put in was on purpose. And it it was times where I didn't want to do it because it made me feel like I was being weak. And I didn't realize that's a terrible feeling to put on myself when I'm trying to improve. But through this, this experience, my wife, she's even opened up to me. She loves the person that I'm becoming, and I love the person that I'm becoming. I want you to know, I am doing this so that if anybody's watching, that they're gonna always catch me doing my best to make the best decision possible. Even if it's not in my best interest. I've I've gotten away from the selfish perspective, and I I believe that that is the reason why the fruits I receive are so beneficial. Like people's like, what's your motivation? My motivation is to reduce mistakes and to help other people find ways to improve. Now, this relationship, the things that I've benefited from it, if men, if men knew how I felt, they would, they would pursue it also. The problem is, is that I have not, I haven't been able to express in words where people be like, that makes a lot of sense. So I believe as I continue, my words are gonna be a lot easier to receive. And as I get older and the relationship that I'm talking about, it it can only improve. Like I do want y'all to know, like, the only way a relationship don't improve is if you don't do anything. You guys can get along. You guys can have minimal conflicts where you can improve. But if you do not raise the bar, if you don't raise the bar, how do you get how do you get better? And I think through my removing my poor habits and replacing them with better practices, it created a result where everyone should do it. And I know like people like me, and I got all these things that's that's going on. One thing you need to know relationships are for mature people. If you are extremely busy or you have things that you're constantly bogged down with, maybe a relationship isn't for you at the time because you have to create a connection with somebody so that when you are lost in whatever you're doing, they know that you're doing good work and they don't have to worry about you. But if you try to create a relationship and you don't have the time for it, somebody's gonna, well, always somebody's gonna like somebody more in the beginning. But as you move forward, there's specific wants and needs that's necessary to keep a relationship functioning. And if a man is not providing that for the woman, why is a woman supposed to hold them down? You know, I I've noticed that majority of marriages that fail is from men following the wrong message. And, you know, the man can always say it was because of my wife, I didn't know. That's your fault. As a man, if you're gonna grow into the next relationship, if you really truly believe you're gonna get over the hump, you have to accept the responsibility that it was your fault, it did not succeed. That is the only way you can grow into the next one. Or you're looking for this woman to save you. Now, I don't know any man that wants that story. Now, I will say this: my wife did save me, but it was through my intentional practice to show her how important she was to me and my family, and that I was willing to protect her, not only when I'm around, but when she's not around, I can still protect her. I didn't know how to do that. And if you don't know how to do that, you'll find yourself in situations that will cause you to make a decision that could change the outlook of your family. I have friends, a lot of friends, that have failed at that game. And I can say this a lot of those men believed that money would be able to change a woman's decision because they made a bad decision. But a heart, when it's broke, it takes so much more intentional work through time to heal that heart. And a lot of times, the hearts of women that's been broken, it never healed. And men are upset because the woman brought the baggage in from the previous relationship. What the problem is, is that you were supposed to get to know her enough to see if you were willing to help her heart heal. If you think a woman's heart is supposed to heal on its own, you're going to, you're going to complain about things that was out of your control. Certain things can only happen if it's if it's right on time. And sometimes you can run into things that's not for you and it will distract you. I've I've I've seen it. I've seen people get in relationships because they think they can help that person heal, but they haven't even healed. And I don't want to get too gone and lost off what I'm trying to bring, but I do want you to know men are responsible for learning their person, whoever their person is. You have to learn them or be interested enough to learn them before you even get in a relationship. Like, conversations and interaction in person is real. You like if you don't create that relationship outside of the physical benefits of intercourse, you're probably gonna lose. As a man, you're gonna lose because certain things aren't gonna be fulfilled because of the addiction and bad information we have as men that women are supposed to fulfill this. If we don't find that discipline, it's it's more than likely that the relationship will not work. You will create an excuse to get out of it or you will make her unhappy enough to leave. Because most men don't make bad decisions to break up their family, but they don't make the best decisions to keep them either. And that's not because they're not trying. It's just a lack of, it's just ignorance. They don't have enough information. If you don't have anybody with better information than you, you're gonna think that your information is pretty close because you thought of it. But that doesn't make it good information. Good information is it's information that will last, it will help your relationship grow through time. That's good information. But you can't know that without the experience or somebody saying, hey, that right there will work, unless you hear from somebody. So if you don't hear the things that can make your relationship work, why are you supposed to get the the fruits of the relationship? This marriage, we're in 17, year 17, and the last five years, six years have been the most difficult, but the most benefits came from the last six years. And it wasn't because of my wife. This is what my wife gave me. She gave me time and grace to correct the previous years of ignorance for me to become the person that I am today. I'm confident enough to know there's nothing that I can do to make my wife lead. And when I say that, I'm saying that I'm confident enough to know the decisions I make today will not affect my family in a negative way. And if it does, it's from complete ignorance and my wife would understand that. But there is nothing that I can do that can destroy my family. Because if I know that I need guidance or counseling, do you know who I reach out to? My wife. If my wife doesn't know, she's gonna give me information, right? To to get closer to it. If my wife knows, she's gonna give me the information so that I can get close to it. But my wife is, she's made me vulnerable enough to know that she is going to put things in a rational idea where all of us can benefit. And if you don't have that, if you're not willing to tell your wife your darker secrets, she can't protect you from what she don't know. And that's vice versa, also. So we have to keep that in mind when we're choosing our partner, because we have to get to the point where we have to tell them the things that we've never said out loud. And if you haven't gotten to that point, you got a long way to go. Because it gets better once you get to that point. And I'm talking to all the men that have secrets. If you have not revealed them all, you can't, you can't grow because it's like two relationships. You can't put your all into a relationship and not tell them everything. Before I go, I do want you to know men have to look for more information or they're going to, they're gonna can we're gonna continue to die earlier. Like we die earlier than women because I believe at some point we look back and be like, they made unfixable moments that cause them to say, like, this it's no reason to continue. Like my perspective was wrong. And I could be wrong on that, but I know this. As a man, if I were to lose my family because of the decisions I made and my kids didn't talk to me because I didn't know how to be a father when I'm away from my family, that can't that can't sit right in my soul to want to keep living like these mistakes over and over. Now I'll say this: I did think about it. If I did lose my family and I lost the relationships with my kids because we got a divorce, it's on me to create those relationships with my kids. And if I don't do that, I can't expect my kids to not be kids. Like, they ain't gonna call me. Because I'm telling you, I'm living it right now. My mother doesn't call me anymore. I have to call my mother. And she's expecting me to be more mature than her. And if I want the relationship with my mother, I have to be more mature than that. And I know, I know adult children that say, I'm not calling her or calling him because they ain't called me. They don't have that much time on this earth. And I don't want my mother to die, me thinking that I was being petty enough to say, I'm not calling her because she ain't calling me, knowing that tomorrow's not a promise. So we as men need to make better decisions, look for better information so that we can change the trajectory for our family. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A. Get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose. Boom.