growNman
growNman
156 Raising Better Men Starts Here
What up, though, and welcome back to I'm Growing Man. Shaman John D in the building. Uh, I am on here specifically to talk about a different narrative I want to help my fraternity push. Uh, I am chairing uh the fatherhood and mentoring program here in Lansing and surrounding areas. And what I'm trying to do is create a resource for men to discuss parenting. So I'm gonna tell you where I'm blessed to have been to be old enough to know what child abuse is, and it could still be overlooked because they were trying to correct the behavior. Now, this is just the time that I grew up in, and my father practiced those tough, those tough lessons where I still, I'm not gonna lie, the reason why I don't even promote uh whoopings anymore because I I I got whoopings and didn't know the reason why. So, you know, just as an adult to look back, no parent wants to that give that lesson. So I feel like being that I work in schools, I have a a pretty good idea of like behaviors. And a lot of times um we have babies just way too young and don't have enough information. It's not like it it's we can wait, but we're passing on these messages that I feel like this program I'm leading, I want it to become. Now, if this is something that you feel like you could help on, please reach out because I think that if we can get better information to men, they would make better decisions. But if we don't really know what information we're passing down, it's gonna be a a messed up cycle. So at some point, we have to realize some of the information that we learn and practice was not the best information. And I feel like this could enlighten men all over where younger guys, younger kids without the influence of a man, they would have better options if we made better decisions. I'm not saying this is gonna go perfect or anything, but if men had better information, we would make less mistakes. And a lot of our mistakes come from we just didn't challenge the things that we would learn we that we learned. And and I'll give you an example. So when I was growing up, it was okay to be promiscuous. And the in the environment I grew up in, we kind of like shamed people who were not promiscuous. And just listen to that. That's crazy. I remember it was kids in college and they said that they were still a virgins, and I just couldn't even believe it because of the information that I grew up on. Why would you do that? And that just shows you how ignorant I was. A lot of people that oh my gosh. But my point is this there's better information. If we could pass it down uh where people would understand it, it's easier for kids to not make those mistakes we made. So I think this event, what I want it to look like is something where we can meet at least a couple times a month in person and in one could be like a Zoom, but we have resources for the men in the city that's looking for some guidance, some help, just a different conversation. Because a lot of times you only talk to the people you talk to. And then unless you you lucky and you got somebody who's talking about something else different, parenting is less likely to come up. So you have to find you gotta find you a resource. And I think this will be a great resource so that we can understand why we got caught in some of the traps. And I think if you don't have anybody to talk to about it, it's just gonna get brushed up under the rug like you don't care. But as you get older, you don't wanna be like irresponsible, you know, at any point in your life. You know what's crazy too? There were times where where I was irresponsible, but I had a reason on why I could be irresponsible. And this just shows you that I was a grown man giving my own self excuses to make bad decisions. That's the immaturity that I displayed. I look back and I'm like, oh my gosh. Like to be here, telling my wife, for Halloween, we were at our house passing out candy, and kids was cool. I'm pretty sure they, you know, they they would have liked to have been a couple of other places, but it's not like we stopped them. They had the freedom to look for one or look for a party or anything, but that to to know that it's not a bad night, like the kids are at home and you like the person you hanging with, like your partner, your wife, your husband, like that's a that's a great night for me. And I'm I'm I'm thinking like that's a piece that I don't take for granted either, because I know men out there that's single. I know men out there that got multiple options, and like what they fail to see is that it's gonna get lonely at some point. And I don't want any of my friends to ever feel that way. But it's like if I don't figure out a way for us to have a conversation, including how about this, uh, fathers in marriages that aren't happy, like that's a different animal, you know. But everybody has their own perspectives. And I feel like if we don't sit down and describe what we're going through, how is anybody gonna like correct the mistakes? And I feel like this recurring event will give a safe space for men to mature together. Cause I'm gonna tell you, I was so immature. If you can if you can endanger the you if you can risk your family's peace for a selfish act that you can't figure out, like that is a pain that is a ripple effect that no man wants to go through. None. And I know several of them that's done it. So I'm telling you this. If we don't pass on better information, we're going to continue to like break up beautiful families because we don't talk enough to figure out why do we feel a certain way, why is it okay, why isn't it okay? I do not believe I have all of the answers or anything like this, but I do know this. If I talk with a group of men and they're willing to share information, I'm gonna come out smarter because there's no way that I can think like another group of men. So if we can just share ideas or share, you know, our roadblocks, our resources could be your resources. But at the end of the day, we have to create something that that men can feel like it's it's not a hamster wheel. As as a and and I want to say this to watch men struggle in different ways, I often wonder, like, what was that that rode like? Because you learn from people's experiences if you listen. And I don't think we listen because we don't talk. And this event, I think, as optimistic as I am, I don't want it to get turned into something that it never intended. And I only want this to be a place where men, where they're considering making a poor mistake that could affect the environment. And when I say the environment, I mean anybody outside of you is the environment. So it affects your family, your friends, adults, animals, anything like that. You could come here and be like, hey, has anybody ever felt like this or wanted to do this? And it'd be a safe place because somebody is gonna be able to unlayer that so that you can make a better decision. Because a lot of times we get pegged for bad decisions we make that nobody ever told us why was a bad decision. They just was like, you know better. No better than what? What what was the wrong part? You know, like, and I'm gonna tell you, there's uh if it was only one thing that I wish I could have learned, if I could do it all over again. You know, it's it's always like I used to cheat or I used to like, I used to take advantage of an option. Like any system, I'm gonna figure it out. I I I've been really good at that. And no matter what it looked like, I found a system where I was cheating. And I got away with it for so long that I convinced myself all the things that I was doing bad because I was really good at saying these are the reasons why this is okay. And I felt like if I had rationale, I could convince somebody. Not that, you know, it's a better way, but this way that I got is the best way. So when I, if I could go to that first lesson, where it says instead of getting away with it, that I decided to trust the process and just learn from the process, because that's what I ultimately learned from. Like, whatever you want, if you haven't gotten it, it's because you haven't completed the process. Nobody's told you that there is a process. And in order to get there, you have to do certain things to get there. But if you don't know what the process is, you'll get lost in the distractions of the world. So just think about this. As we've moved through this world, could you imagine you don't have a father, you don't have any siblings, you're adopted. Like, it's so many different perspectives that if you knew you could, hey, has anybody felt like this before? Is it fair? It isn't fair. But you'll have somebody to be able to explain, like, I'm there, but I can't explain it either. It it would make it verse. I think we're angry because a lot of our lives that we got, it wasn't fair. It was like, how did I get here? Like it's not fair. And I feel like that's that's only fair to feel that way. And I'm gonna tell you, I felt that way also. Like, I just didn't understand. And sometimes I look back and I'm like, man, I got up out of there. But not only did I get up out of there, I understood why I was there. Like some of you guys that have tough lives, your story is remarkable if you decide you want to beat it. It is a process. And I feel like this opportunity that Omega Sci-Fi Fraternity Incorporated, Sigma Oopsilon, chapter Here and Lansings allowed me to chair a fatherhood and mentoring group or a program that I want to become so active that it changes the minds of kids at a younger age because there's presence wherever they look in fathers, because we don't know everything, but we can know a lot of things if we've talked to each other. We can say what works, what doesn't work, and how to get to certain places in life. Because if we don't talk, it's like you're doing it by yourself. And everybody's not blessed to grow with a family who who has degrees, and I'm not saying anything's right or wrong, but at least we can say, hey, did you ever consider this? And you can't do that if you don't have anybody to talk to. And you only as smart as is as the the four or five people you hang with. And you gotta consider that. Because if nobody is trying to be a better father in your group, when are you really trying to do it? And this is the thing. You could be like the coldest, you like I'm doing way better than my friends. Yeah, but could you be doing better than that? Because at the end of the day, I want men to remember when they were a kid. It's like, what kind of father would you want? And that's what you should try to become. That's why it it takes tough conversations. Like, you should not be laying down with just anybody because mistakes happen, and that just changes the whole story. A story that you never intended on, and you gotta live with now. So if we can change these messages and say it where people understand, they would less likely to make those mistakes. Because I'm telling you, there are people that should not be having kids ever, because they're just not in a place where they're gonna be responsible enough to appreciate what they think they're supposed to have. Because I've never seen a teenage mom and father be the ideal like parents for anyone. You haven't lived any life, you don't have any experience, and now you're about to raise a child blindly because you never even got to complete your young, young adult life before now you're being responsible for like adults. Like, and you're that young, you're not making any money. You know, if you guys were in college, that's so difficult. Like raising a whole person. We have to think about these consequences. Because these consequences, you could, you could look check this out. You could be the exception and be cold at raising kids in tough situations. But no kid wants to be raised like that. You know, the kid would love the lesson. They don't, you know, I don't know anybody who was like, you know, I think I need to go through those times you went through so I can get the lesson. It's not necessary. So we have to pass on these messages that could hopefully make these young men more responsible in who they lay down with. Because I'm telling you, none of y'all, and and I mean none of you all did deserve any of the consequences that come with it. So why would you do it? You know, a lot of you guys think you're the exceptions or you don't, you know, what else are you gonna do? You don't have to do that. Apparently, you don't have enough things going on in your life where you find time to lay down with somebody. Like, we have to stop passing these messages on. You know, I don't care how old or how responsible you think you are, but those mistakes come and they don't only people just doing that are irresponsible. And I'm telling you, I was a part of the population. I get it. It was a message we but that should not be a message that we continue to pass on. Like, we gotta do better. And I think this program is going to allow us as a city, like, have the best suggestions of how we can move because we gotta have better examples. Because if we don't, we're gonna have like these kids that just be wondering why. Like, why me? And I feel like I don't know, maybe we're a species that we're supposed to get out of tough situations, but I don't know. And that's not a life that I will want. I there's a few lessons I wish my father was able to articulate versus whoop me and wait till I got older to learn that I was never gonna get the message because he wasn't a good communicator. You know what I'm saying? So And it wasn't his fault, that's what I'm saying. Like this, the journey that I've gotten or gone on. Man, I used to dislike him a lot, but I was immature in my feelings. You know, I was like, I wasn't looking at the whole picture, I was tunnel vision because I felt like I'm a product of him not realizing how much he did for me to get to even have the idea of challenging my father. So knowing where he was, now looking back, and I'm like, like I'm I'm in debt, I'm indebted to him because he really did try to give me what he thought I was supposed to have. But, you know, along that part, he was only limited on so much information. You know, like I said before, my mother left him. So he was raising two kids, and he was very abusive until my mother left. And then we stayed with him. So it was like, it was some tough nights, you know, uh, but he did the best he could. And I'm I'm blessed enough to know how tough that can be, and to be able to like, like where I was, I was whooping my kids. You know, it was maybe, I don't know, first grade before second grade before we stopped. And that was when we realized that, you know, it was different reasons why we were whooping our kids. And we was like, we're gonna have to do a better job at telling them why so they don't make bad decisions. And that's what it is. We want to tell our kids, we want them to make the best decisions when we're not there, right? But when they make a bad decision, the best possible solution is to call mom or dad. But if they don't feel like their mom or dad is a trustworthy place because they may get in more trouble, they may look to their peers. And that is the worst place you would want them to look. So just as men, we have to change the way that we speak to each other and to our kids because there's a there's a tone we give to our kids that we can scare them and you're really serious, but that don't get them any closer to saying, hey, this is what's going on. And it's a conversation we gotta have. You know, people might think like, you know, you're taking the man thing out of it. And I'm like, I'm not. But if you're really good at being a man, your kid is gonna receive the message and know that you're not playing. And I feel like there's so many ways that we can challenge each other to improve on parenting, but if we're not talking about it, what are we really improving? So this is gonna be a wonderful opportunity where it's almost like an experiment. But I believe in it because I know that there were times in my life where I'm like, I'm I'm reaching out, asking questions, and some people just didn't have questions. I mean, they didn't have any answers for me. But can you imagine if there's a place, a solid place, a group of men? It's like the only reason why you come here is to get better information. It's not to do anything other than improve your well-being. You know, it's a safe space. So imagine having that. Like, it's really difficult to make bad decisions unless you just like, you know what, I want to just live on the wild side and make bad decisions. And I want to see what these consequences are hitting for. Just remember, if you have a baby like that, that kid never wanted to be born that way. And that means you made a decision that was very selfish and outside of you where you could have come here so we could try to convince you and you shouldn't, you shouldn't do that. If you have, if you find time to lay down with somebody, that means you don't have enough activities in your life. Because in the grand scheme of things, when you guys get married and you if you truly enjoy each other, it don't it don't make up but like 3% of a whole month of the things that you could be doing. So don't make something that's so small in a in a happy relationship when you mature into the person you become, like take over your life that will change the trajectory of your happiness. Like the way that I learned about sex, I feel like there's got to be better information. So I'm gonna tell you, if you a you're a father or a mother, you tell your kids that they're too important to even do something like that. Because that one mistake, and it is a mistake. Okay, I want you to know that. God does not want kids at that age to have a baby, period. Nobody can tell me like that's not a mistake. So it will change if they just wait until they're mature enough to get in a relationship. And you know, a lot of times young people are looking for something that they're not getting at home, this relationship stuff. And I told my students, I was like, if adults aren't good at it, why are you gonna be any good at it? We have to find more productive things for these kids to do outside of trying to be baby adults that make bad decisions. Because I tell you this, it's very rare that I don't even know if there is a case where a kid would be like, I'm glad my parents, you know, worked so hard to give me a better life. Like, that ain't what they intended on doing. That was the life that they had to create because raising a kid at that situation makes people work harder than they have to. But if we sit down and talk, we can find the benefits of each other's perspective so that we can make better decisions going forward. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A, T A, get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.