growNman
growNman
151 Becoming the person your family can model, on purpose
What up, though, and welcome back to I'm Growing Man. Shaman John D in the building. I'm gonna say it's been uh a heck of a school year so far. I'm learning a whole lot. And um I mentioned the school year because I'm looking to be more accountable for uh my performance. And I was talking to a friend of mine earlier, and he mentioned accountability and how it can make it can be uncomfortable. And I'm thinking, like, why would accountability be uncomfortable? Because it makes people accept a responsibility for their part. And a lot of times, if it's not directly impacting you, you can you can not get the message. And and I think that's what this episode is going to be about. I'm gonna talk about how we can make mistakes and not learn from them. And that does us no justice. So I need you guys to just bear with me and take in the idea that what if you were open to all criticism? And when I say open to criticism, I mean like if somebody can talk about you and you can take it, that you get the message from it. You know, and it's a lot of distractions you gotta watch, because there are people out here that will say some mean things. I mean, like really mean things. But if you're able to understand what messages are for you, you can learn so much more. And and when I'm talking about messages, I'm really talking about 90% of the people you interact with on a regular basis. Because it's not like we're out here just meeting new people and we're gonna see them again. We talk to the same people the entire time for the most part. Like, and I'll give you an example. So you say, you know, I talk to people every day. You do. People you work with, your family, your friends. That's who you talk to. No, he's like, no, I talk to different people, yes, but you probably won't talk to them multiple times, like to create a relationship. So I was talking to a different friend, and I was like, if you know who you're talking to, that's your audience, right? Think about people you don't know. You give them a different type of tolerance. Like you're able to accept mistakes from them because you know they don't know you, right? You haven't had enough interactions for them to know. Now, I'm not saying somebody can completely just disrespect you. Please don't take what I'm saying out of context. I'm saying we give them more patience because we know that they're new to us. The 90% of people that you talk to all the time, we don't give them enough grace. And we're quick to trip be triggered by something we think we think they should know. Like if they knew it, they wouldn't have done it. So we have to be accountable for how we receive messages from our interactions with the people that we we constantly are around. I don't want anybody to pick this apart because ultimately the goal of this entire episode is just being accountable of receiving the message no matter how it looks. Because sometimes people can say mean things to you and you will miss the message. Just because it's mean doesn't mean it's not true. The way that it's it's mean because that's how they communicate, unfortunately. If they knew how to communicate effectively, they wouldn't be mean with it. Now think about that. The people that you rock with, when you get mad at them because you were triggered, did they do it on purpose? And if they did it on purpose, what did you do to them for them to do it on purpose? Because the people I hang around with, we don't intentionally try to hurt each other's feelings. And that's what I used to do. That's the reason why it's so easy for me to say that. I was I was mean because I thought that's what people did. And that's what I thought people did to me when I was younger, and I just like grew up, and then the people I was around, I felt like everybody came to me. And I know I'm getting beside the point, but I wanted to just show you the type of person that I was. I grew up, I'm black and Korean, so everybody had the jokes. And I didn't grow up with Korean people, just I didn't grow up with Korean people. Now I knew Korean people, but I did not grow up with them. So the people I grew up with, it was a whole bunch of Asian jokes I grew up with. So that was me. Like I was a little kid. I mean, it got to the point where I stopped crying. And you know, when you stop crying, you've like a lot of people don't know what that feels like. So I'm telling you, if you've stopped crying, you're probably mean. And that's a tough place to be because you'll treat people unfairly because your boundaries have already been crossed. And I had to learn this through, you know, self-reflection, like what is something that I've heard over and over in my life, and then I've accepted it. You know, my father used to tell me I was mean. Um, but you know, the environment made me mean, including my father. They made me mean. You like I said, when you stop crying, it it's it's a different defense. Like people don't be ready for that, you know, and I used to cross all boundaries, not knowing that I was mean, you know. So I used to get criticism that I think that's the reason why I've grown so much because I've actually reflected in my life all of the things people said to me that I can remember. Like I try to fix them because I'm like, why was I like that? And then it's a different type of version of yourself that you look like. Oh like you can't be consider yourself an adult and you're still having childlike behaviors. And you know, most of the time you don't even know you're you're acting that way until you have some reflection and say, if I saw somebody else do this, what would I say? Oh, I was a child. But if you're open to criticism, your life can change. You know, I was telling my guy, I was like, hey, regardless of how they say it, what is the message? Is it, is it, is this, and that's that's one thing about me working on becoming a better communicator on a daily basis, because you get little nuggets that can help you reduce conflict in your future conversations. Like everybody's not gonna be a good communicator. And a better communicator is gonna know that. So it's easier to give people grace when you know that they are not good communicators. If the person is the person coming there to cause conflict, and if you don't know, just listen. Because, like I said, the person in front of you is probably not a good communicator. And if you are triggered by something that they say and that was not the point of the message, you're already lost. I'm telling you, it's gonna go somewhere else. So we have to be accountable in every interaction that was not in our favor or that made us feel like it wasn't in our favor. Because I'm gonna tell you, you can be on the shorter end of the stick end of the stick and still feel like you did the right thing because it benefited everybody. Now, some people will always look at a loss as a loss, but some losses, if you can learn from it, it's way better in the long run. But you have to, you have to look for that. So being open to criticism, it could, it could help you reduce so many mistakes. Because when people give advice, which is typically criticism, the criticism is because it's considered negative. But what is the message? And you know, hearing people say you can't please everybody gives everybody an excuse to not get better. Like I'm not trying to please everybody, but I don't want to offend anyone, anyone. So I I work on my communication so that at some point, no matter who I speak to, I won't trigger them. And if I do trigger them, they'll be comfortable enough to say, hey, that hurt me. Did you do that on purpose? And we can have a uh a safe conversation where we can grow from each other. And I think really that's that's really the problem with mankind, the the misunderstanding of communication. Like, body language is real. I mean, it's real. And if we don't, if we don't try to get better in this, we'll we'll just always have conflict. But I do believe at some point communication is going to become more important because it's changed my life. And I'm not even like, like, I work with kids, and me becoming a better communicator is going to be an example for them to practice their communication. Like, I didn't start this until my 40s. And I've learned so much. So just imagine if we teach our students how to communicate effectively. And when I say that, I mean like being able to establish boundaries, being able to use their voice versus their hands, you know, being able to be vulnerable of the idea of being wrong and being accountable when they make mistakes. Because in every mistake, there's a lesson. And if you miss that lesson, you may do that mistake again. You know, I read something that said, just imagine if you learn from all of your mistakes, what kind of person would you become? Who are you at that point where you are intentionally learning from your mistakes? Because you make mistakes. You make mistakes that people don't know about. And if you don't hold yourself accountable and find the message, you'll do it again. And you'll say, why me? This always happens to me. It happens to you because you have not learned from the initial mistake. And we have to understand this too. There are some things that's just gonna happen. There, like, like I'll give you an example, like a vehicle, you buy a car. You have to get an oil change. It's just maintenance. You have that's gonna keep the car living longer. If you don't get the maintenance on the car, it's going to break down. And then people say, it's just one thing, it's another. No, you did not do the proper maintenance. Period. Brakes. Like the brakes are gonna wear down at some point. You're supposed to be putting money to the side in every paycheck for things that are going to happen regardless. But when you need breaks and you don't have the money to decide, it's if it ain't one thing, it's another. No, that was gonna happen. You have to understand there are some things that are going to happen. And you can't say, like, like, I'm not ready for this. Because a lot of times we get into things that we're not prepared for, and then we blame it to like things that are supposed to happen. The lack of preparation and not being accountable for our own mistakes prevents us from growing in the way that could like change the trajectory of your family. And I know I say this a lot too. You could be the one that changes everything for your family. Like, no matter what age you are, if you worked on your communication, if you worked on yourself on a daily basis, your people would understand, they would recognize it, and then you would be become like, you would become this example that they don't have to look on television or go to a school for. It could be right in their house, right in your home, you could be the example. No matter who you are, you could be a grandparent, a great grandparent. Because I'm gonna tell you, the older I get, the more I realize I could continue to grow. And at some point I'm gonna be a grandparent and a great-grandparent. That don't mean that I'm supposed to stop growing. I'm supposed to become the example that I want my family to be. And if I got this message when I was five, seven, fourteen, twenty, any age before I was in my 40s, I would be, I would be more impressed with my journey because I did not have that. And I didn't know where I was supposed to find that. So looking back, for some reason I thought I just I was supposed to be some child prodigy that was supposed to realize how important communication was so that I could establish my boundaries and treat people fairly. I don't know what I sometimes I just be in my own little world, but at the end of the day, just imagine a kid that maybe stumbles across across this video and they understand the words that are coming out of my mouth and they start practicing, working on their communication, just working on becoming a better version of themselves. People in that family's gonna be like, who is this kid? Because who's gonna teach them how important they are if we don't know how to say it? We have to be accountable that we just don't know how to communicate. You know, like, and if we don't work on it, why is it supposed to get better? Like, I see different ages of people, and you know, they say old people stuck in their ways. You can find an old person young. If you're not open to change or open to getting better, you old. It doesn't matter your age. Because old people don't want to grow. In order to grow, you have to do it on purpose. There's no accidents in becoming a better version of yourself. Like you don't just wake up and be like, oh, I don't have to do anything else. If you're not putting that work in on purpose, why are you supposed to get better? You know, if people became addicted to getting better. That's a that's a different distraction. Like finding the best version of yourself will bring the energy you deserve. It will bring outcomes you didn't even imagine. You'll get you'll get fulfillment in just going to sleep because you know you've done enough preparation to know that if God willing allows you to wake up, that you're gonna make that day better than the previous one. Like we have choices all throughout the day. We got the choice to wake up and complain about what we're getting what we gotta do today or who we gotta see, who we gotta talk to. We can complain about, you know, anything. But you could look for the gems in the day. Because there's there's so many, so many things that can bring you a better outcome if you did it on purpose. If you're going in the motions and you're tired of it, master your diet. Master your diet. I tell you this nobody will be able to articulate and tell me that the mastery of the diet is not good for you overall. If you do that, it removes so many distractions from your life where you can really enjoy. It's almost like life is slowed down to the point where you like, oh, because like when you master your diet, you're putting the right things or better things in your body so that you can get the maximum performance out of it. And that includes just thinking also. It helps you think better, it helps you focus, it helps you, it brings clarity. That was, I think, the first thing that I became accountable for in this journey, that I was not putting the best things in my body. And if I can purposely put things in my body that's not good for me, like I'm not saying you can't indulge in some of the deliciousness that man has created. But when you abuse it, that addiction can take over and make you forget how important you are. When I learn to watch what I put in my body, I I got a different set of eyes. And having those eyes allow me to realize that I was a poor communicator. I started working on my communication. Just imagine if people were more active and becoming accountable for their part without feeling like somebody's attacking their character. Like it people will be more open to being wrong. And if you're open to being wrong, you'll get the message way quicker than fighting, standing on. You know what bothers me too? People be talking about I'm standing on business. First of all, your business is bad. Why are you standing on that? And then people like, they're gonna, that's that's loyalty. They, you know, they they they they gonna stand for what they believe in. But what if they believe in something that's wrong? Can it be better? Is there a better way to do it? And that's ultimately what I want to say before I get out of here. If you become accountable for everything that you play a role in, you will, you'll grow in a way that will make you become addicted to finding a better version of yourself. Because life is so much more fulfilling when you realize how important you are. And if you are that important, you have to create better habits. Like you can grow when you're around people, without people, you just gotta find ways to gain clarity, master your diet, master your diet, work on communication, get some therapy, journal, get active, walk regularly, drink half your body weight and water. Like if you do a lot of these things, now I'm telling you, you can still have fun in life, but you just need to make better decisions. And when you don't make the best decisions, you need to be accountable for those so you can get the message, or you're gonna do it again and maybe lose more than you already lost. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-A-T-A. Get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.