growNman
growNman
I am growNman 143 Redefining Love: Beyond the Infatuation Trap
What up, though, and welcome back to I'm Growing man, shemaine John D in the building. Today is a special episode I felt like, since I've been on this journey, I realized that we use words that they've been using from the very beginning, and it's led us off into horrible outcomes. So I was thinking that maybe we should probably stop using love for everything, probably stop using love for everything, and if we are going to use it, I think we should consider using it in a way that could keep us safe. I believe that as humans, as people, that we love each other, we're willing to help each other. If we're in a good place and we haven't been compromised, and you see somebody struggling and you got it and it won't do anything to mess up your day, you would help that person. Now you'll always find people to say you know, it wouldn't not me, but I said before, you were compromised. Because I just think humans, we have a particular heart, and if one person can feel that way, I believe we all can feel that way. So I don't think that I'm the only one that feels that way, because that would be crazy, because I've learned to want to help any and everybody by just standing on love Like I really do. I believe I love and that's gotten me a lot of trouble in my marriage because the way that I use love so loosely. So that's the reason why this episode is so special, because I believe that I can explain the way that I feel about my wife and how I can use it and how I didn't know how to use it before.
Speaker 1:So when I used to think about in love in my head I used to think that you had this feeling like you were always. Your head was in the clouds and when you know things didn't go right, you would figure it out. Things didn't go right, you would figure it out. But I realized that that was closer to what is the word called Infatuation, where you're so caught up in this person because of how they make you feel that you'll do stupid things. And this one I used to relate to in love. I used to like I don't want to ever be in love with somebody where you're so gone in the clouds that you are doing things that you wouldn't normally do and everybody's looking at you crazy. I said I didn't want to ever have that feeling Right. So in my head I didn't think I could fall in love with my wife Right, and and I don't think that's that's probably the way that you should look at it, because the way that I looked at it is that I wasn't willing to leave what I have. I felt what I had was the best my story was ever going to say. So I never thought that the outside world would be able to threaten the idea of the way that I felt for my wife. I don't know if this makes sense to you guys, but I knew that I loved my wife this much, but I didn't understand, I guess.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, I to this day, I really believe that relationships are for mature people, and I was very immature because, although I was lucky enough to pick my wife who was heavily in love with me, so I didn't really do anything. She was just into me anyway, so I was just blessed that she was awesome. But the effort that she showed me made me feel like that all women would do the things that she did Like. She used to write me love letters that were something that could like be written from some type of book that would blow your mind. I wasn't even intellectually aware to appreciate how she was writing. I used to tell her that. But I didn't tell her that. I didn't understand until way later in the relationship, you know. But the things she used to say to me made me feel. Now I think back, I didn't deserve any of that, right, but the man that I've become today, I'm in love with my wife and I think I can better explain, especially now, like I don't, I'm in. I'm so in love with my wife that I work on a routine every day. Most of you guys know that I have a routine every day and she is a part of my daily routine. Like I believe that if you're going to be in a relationship, especially a marriage, if you you want to really enjoy somebody, you have to. I guess you know what. Let's do this Because I wanted to talk about love and how I feel that my idea of love led me.
Speaker 1:I just got lucky with my wife because I was into her, like I loved her more than any other woman ever, right? But I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know how to handle that. You know from where I came from. Like I wasn't, she was out of my league. That's all I can say. It's just, I wasn't an ugly dude and I went to college and I had manners and I was a fun guy. So to me I feel like maybe that distracted her long enough before she realized how many bad habits I had. You know, over the years we have learned so much about each other and understand why, why we were doing the things that we were doing, why we were doing the things that we were doing. And you know, like I said, it's a blessing that I ended up with her, because I don't know, I don't know Well, I can't look, check this out.
Speaker 1:I do believe that men are the controller of their own fate, hands down. But I do believe if you make bad decision in the beginning, I don't know if they'll recover to still be the controller of their own faith, because it's so much work, so much extra work. So, my wife being that, I got lucky, the relationship that we've created, I know I could not have become this man without her. And the reason why she's a part of my daily routine, because she deserves a better man, because the man that she was in love with I need to get there, because whatever she saw in this raggedy, this dude that I used to be in college, I was so I was so wet behind the ears in so many areas that I probably shouldn't have had experiences in, and it allowed me to look a lot more seasoned than I was. But being that I'm here, I wanted to discuss how we feel with this lust thing.
Speaker 1:So love is like you can love people and still hurt them. Okay, when you're in love with them, like I don't think I could ever hurt my wife again, like in any capacity, like out, like with things that I can control, and I and I love this part. So you know, I remember there was a movie when I was younger. It was a movie called A Decent Proposal and that was a movie with Woody Harrelson and Demi Moore and it was a movie about a young married couple that's like in love. A young married couple that's like in love.
Speaker 1:A rich guy makes a proposal and four million dollars to be with his wife for one night. And you know, when you're poor, you think that that's just one night. I can give this away, like literally, and like it made relationships think like, will you be willing to do that? Just imagine if you were rich. You wouldn't even think about it. You're like, no, I wouldn't do nothing like that. A million dollars. What's that? I'm telling you this, so those of you that know I am not a millionaire okay, if there was a proposal of $1 billion for anything that could do anything other than make my wife happy, I could easily turn it down. And I'm going to tell you guys why. Just to show you before everybody's like oh he crazy Me and my wife works, we work in service and we enjoy our jobs and the life we currently live. It's the life that we're choosing to do on purpose.
Speaker 1:So these podcasts that I create, the ones that we've created, was to just give information out. We know at one point, at some point in time, that a lot of this information is going to make a lot of sense and it's going to go, but we didn't even get in it for that and we don't even want, we don't want the money like that. We are really honestly. The information that we've given is free. Like I don't want people to feel like you have to be a certain class to get the information. We got rights over our stuff. This information will always be free, because this will help people reduce the amount of distractions they have and focus on enjoying the quality of life.
Speaker 1:And without her. I was just going to be a regular man, like I could have had all the money in the world, I could have had all the businesses in the world. But if I'm doing it by myself or doing it with, let's say this I'm going to be 50 soon, right? Can you imagine being with some of, let's say, if I was single? This is hypothetical. I'm just giving this idea because some of these young people don't realize it's cold out there.
Speaker 1:Imagine you were 50, you were for four or five million. Let's say you're four or five million and you work 60, 70 hour weeks. You enjoy it, people love you. You pretty much do what you want. You know, you know who you know and if you're not in a marriage, you're messing with people. That's in this life. Right, typically, you're going to be only attracted to people who look really attractive. Right, typically, you're going to be only attracted to people who look really attractive. They're going to be a lot younger than your age range, because your age range don't want to live that life. So you end up messing with somebody younger.
Speaker 1:And then what conversations do you have after the less? Like what do you talk about? I don't like the same music. Like, yeah, I don't like the same movies, like you might like some comedy or whatnot, but what are you guys talking about? And I feel like, as men, we got caught up in this idea that you could run the world as long as you got a pretty lady on your arm and you, you got unlimited money and you can do all of this. That is a it's a terrible fairy tale because I'm telling you, all of the men I know that's 50 and older that are single, they don't like that. They don't like going in and out of relationships. You know, and that's not the story that they started out wanting to tell. And I'm telling you some of these men are very successful and it's unfortunate because when I'm looking at how society is showing relationships, it's like why get married? There's so many reasons why you get married. Like they say, who benefits the most, men or women? Well, in my mind, I really do believe men benefit the most, because if you get in a relationship with a woman and you enjoy her, you're going to value her opinion, her feedback, and she's not going to have you out here looking stupid, so she's only going to give you a perspective that you can't get by yourself. And this is what's crazy.
Speaker 1:If you lucky enough to find somebody in your age range, somebody that you could have been in high school with and reason why I say this this is important for you young people. Look, people say age don't matter, it does it's, it matters a lot. You know people, it matters a lot. Ok, how about this? I don't want you playing the game like you're the exception. It's just a stepping stone until, but you know it's going to cloud your judgment because it's going to make you work harder than you're supposed to.
Speaker 1:And the reason why I say this is because when I look at people that date outside of that block I'm talking about the things that you grew up is a lot different, that much different, different, that much different that one person has to work extra hard to be able to illustrate a story, when you don't have to. If the person kind of grew up in your time period and, like I said, like I said that the time period is really small, it's like within high school it could be a little more, maybe four, four years, but at the end of the day, you don't want to be old and alone. No matter how much money you got, it's not going to fulfill you in any way, and I do know that there are enough stories out there that money will not fulfill you about your happiness. It can increase your happiness, but if you're not happy, it's not going to make you happier. So, when I'm in the mindset of when I became in love well, actually, you know what? I was in love with my wife in the beginning I just didn't know how to protect her. I didn't understand that. You know, it took me a long time. Like I said, these episodes that I have is for those who's looking for, you know, a different result, because I'm telling you, wherever you are in life, it can get better if you want it to. But you have to put in that work and the work that I'm putting in for my wife, like I have, like I know the importance of marriage.
Speaker 1:I thought in the beginning was to keep us together, just in case, like you know, we, like we don't want to, we don't want to work out It'll. It'll make it a lot more difficult for us to separate. So, to give us some time to reconsider, like, do we really want to separate? And I think, like the way I feel now, I could have given her all of this without the marriage. The marriage was just to tell the world John is off limits, so, but she deserved what I'm giving her now. She deserved that in the very beginning and I didn't know how to do that. That's another reason why I'm out here trying to give this information.
Speaker 1:Like I used to be really good when I was single. Like I was good at that game, but I understand how how people lose. Like there was a point before I got married, I thought that I could be single as long as I wanted, and the reason why I thought that? Because I was like it's really no responsibilities, you know, and I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. What's so crazy is that, um, I wasn't mature enough to give her what she wanted.
Speaker 1:And after this journey, it was apparent that I wasn't, but she wouldn't have been able to pinpoint that at that time through reflection in this journey. It was apparent that I wasn't, but she wouldn't have been able to pinpoint that at that time through reflection in this journey. That's the reason why, like I said, you can't do this by yourself. I don't care how much therapy you, if you single, it's very difficult. You can't grow on a constant basis if you don't have a constant person with you, like the ultimate feedback is the person that watches your bad habits. And when you really lock in with your person, they start looking for ways for you to reduce, reduce your weaknesses.
Speaker 1:Man, she just told me something today. She just showed me something and was like it was a communication tip. Just showed me something and was like it was a communication tip and I was like I'm so grateful because, look like, when I looked at when she showed me this tip and I was like man, and it started making me think about other things that I've heard. I was like, oh, I need to do that more. Oh, I need to do that more. And I told her and I was like you know, I love you so much because, like, why did you show me this short? And it was like because she knows my intent. She knows I want to become a great communicator, right? So I've been noticing the things that she's been participating in me becoming better in my craft, because, outside of me, focusing on becoming a better father and a husband, I want to be the greatest communicator ever.
Speaker 1:And she knows that, like, you can't do that when you single, because even when you single, no matter what craft you're working on, if you don't build a family or a legacy, it's really difficult mentally. As a man Like you can hold out all you want. You can say you know, I can spit's really difficult mentally. As a man, you can hold out all you want. You can say I can spit them out as long as I want you can, but it's nothing like raising them. And you can be rich, but it's nothing like raising them.
Speaker 1:Being present, being tangible, being able to get the lesson of what do you do on a daily basis, your behaviors, your habits, like paying money for them to go to the best schools. It doesn't raise your kids. And that is and that's the biggest, that is the biggest misconception of schools you pay for. You feel like you're paying for this education, right, and you don't. You're giving them book cents, but if you don't give them the foundation of what a family looks like, you're hoping that this education and the influence of other adults are going to raise your kids. And that's the problem. No matter how much money you make, poor, rich, if you don't engage with your kids on a daily basis.
Speaker 1:I even tell you like as a kid, you have to think about this Before. You did not want to be bothered by your parents. You wanted whatever the fun part looked like in your life. Like you were like why can't we do that? I want to do that. Whatever that was, you wanted to do that all the time. And if you didn't do it enough, don't you think you deserved it, or deserve more or more experiences where you're supposed to give that to your kids? And it it. She showed me that like I remember.
Speaker 1:Like I didn't play board games with my family, like I can't. Even I can name maybe five movies we watched together and outside of that that was our family time. Like we didn't eat dinner together unless it was like Christmas or Thanksgiving. It wasn't all together. Like it wasn't consistent enough. It's not what a kid would want Like I don't know no kid that don't think that they supposed to eat dinner with their family. But if they was like I want to do that, like, why wouldn't you family? But if they was like I want to do that like, why wouldn't you?
Speaker 1:You know like our job is to make our kids feel like home is a safe place, because if home can be their safe place, they can go out there and learn whatever you tell them to, but if they can't come home to a safe place, it's very difficult for kids to feel like that's important, whatever they think, like the intent of education, because they're a lot more middle to poor. But if parents are not actively participating in the kid's development, the kid acts up Like this is like regular information and I don't understand. And this is like regular information and I don't. I don't understand. Like you know and this is one thing too typically in poor areas, parents are working all the time, so they don't even have time to put in for the development of the kids. That's very difficult and that's the reason why men should be more responsible with who they lay with, because if you are more responsible, you're more likely to fall in love with the person you want to build something like this with Feeling like intercourse, is that exciting.
Speaker 1:Intercourse is overrated. It's a great moment for intimate moments, but it should not be used the way it's being used, and that's the reason why I think men lose, because we have in this idea that this is what we're going to want to do all the time and we should be able to do it all the time and it should feel like this all the time. But it's not. That's fake. And what's crazy is listening to people to think that that's that important.
Speaker 1:If you talk to anybody, I'm going to give them, like I'm trying to say, maybe seven to 10 years. I'm going to give them, like I'm trying to say, maybe seven and 10 years, seven and 10 years being in a relationship. I would like to talk to that woman because I'm telling you it's it takes a different type of work that if you're that active, because I'm telling you there's other things that can bring this relationship together, but if you're relying on the intercourse part of it, men gonna lose every time. That's the reason why we have to put better information out here, so that when young men are interested in women, they look at more than their physical appearance or what their family looks like. They're willing to talk to them. You have to talk and get as much information as possible, because if you can't talk to them, if you can't talk to your lady when you are not having fun, that's a long relationship, as I'm telling you, fun isn't that often, but life is all the time. You want somebody you can life with and if we got this idea that it's going to go down every time and you're going to lose. I'm just putting it out there like that. And if you find other men that say that's the reason why I'm not getting married, well I'll tell you this. The long run you're going to wish you took an alternate route, because I don't know too many men that die happy alone, like they always say I would have done it a little different.
Speaker 1:You know, like I tell you this, those who get married don't say man, you know what? I should have done this as a single parent. You know, I think I would have done better as a single parent. I think I would have done better as a single parent. Or you know what I wish I would have done this by myself. I wouldn't have made any kids or nothing. Like. No man says that.
Speaker 1:So what are we doing? We have to really put into perspective that we got some bad messages and it's up to us to change the message or at least try to give our kids better information so that they don't get caught up in the traps that our peers have fallen to and their kids are continuing to fall to. And when I say that I mean, like I remember having this idea of men are supposed to do this, we're supposed to act like this Bad information and we got to know. At this point in time in life we can look at the information Okay, is this love? Okay, that's not love. Like you know, it's different, like these definitions.
Speaker 1:But I think when people feel the butterfly effect and they just think that's the love, that's not, that's, that's, that's the distraction, it'll make you forget that this person doesn't have a job, or this person has been without a job for two or three years and it's because you know they got back problems or they got something they didn't tell you because they was fresh on that day. You know, and if you don't do your research, you'll end up falling for somebody who has a heck of a story. But you wouldn't have done that if you was in your right mind. So we have to protect our well-being or we're going to get caught up by a trap and pass on bad messages to our kids. And you know it's very difficult to tell your kids don't do what I did. Very difficult, because the apple don't fall too far from the tree. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-a-t-a Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.