what up, though, and welcome back to I'm growing man shaman jindy in the building. Uh, the the school year is winding down good, good people, and I'm really excited about finishing a year strong. I'm doing summer school, so I will be in a new role. I'll be the lead teacher, so I'll be somewhat running summer school. I'm really excited about the opportunity to try to change the culture of the building through this summer, but today I wanted to get on and talk about the hardest parts of being a husband. I wrote down a few points, but it could go a little anywhere, but I guess let's just start out. So I'll give you a little background.

I came from a broken household. My mother left my father. My father had to grow up and he raised two kids with little to no assistance for about five or six years, and that was when we were older, of course, but I saw my father have different relationships, and you know he was really. He was the father that had little information, but he tried to give me what he could, and the reason why I'm saying it like this is because the information that he had well, I mean, it's nothing that I'm living today he told me not to get married and he really was protecting my heart at the time. But I look back if I actually listened to my father, I wouldn't be in this position today.

So one of the most difficult parts of being a husband was unlearning a lot of the programming that I got early in age After I got married. Of course I didn't think about my father being right ever. As soon as I got married I knew it was the right decision. Had I been happy every day throughout marriage? Not at all. I don't think I was ever in a position where I thought that it couldn't work. I always believed that it was a way to make it work.

The unlearning, the bad information part was difficult because my wife never enforced not necessarily enforced she never told me her boundaries as far as when it came to communication. I think I was so over the top that I kind of forced her into a corner and she kind of just dealt with me. She thought that I was a good person, but the relationship we created, the information she gives me now I was not a good partner. I was a better father for our kids than her father was to her and her siblings. I was a better husband in comparison to her father to her mother, but overall the relationship it was stunning because we just had two different ideas of what marriage was supposed to be and, looking, I was very immature and I had a very skew view on what marriage was at that time. So getting here was probably improbable because the examples that I had when I became an adult, they weren't very successful for the most part either, and the ones that quote unquote that were successful, they weren't very successful for the most part either, and the ones that quote unquote that were successful, they didn't look like something that I wanted to be in. So I I guess over the course of time I came to the conclusion that happiness looks different and the amount of time that it took for me to understand that a lot of my friends had already destroyed the family that they were creating and by the grace of God, I got through some some moments that could have made me end up in the same situation.

So when I officially got on this journey, I was trying to figure out what was good information and what was bad information. I remember crying just because I thought I was doing the right thing, and when you find out that you were doing things to kind of like not win. You become really insecure about who you are. And then I remember. I just remember crying all the time because I couldn't believe that I'd finally awakened. And I know that could be a little offensive to some people because it would imply that other people are asleep, but I'm only referring to me, the way that I was walking through life. I couldn't have been in my right mind and looking at it, and this is no slight against anybody else, but there are a lot of people that are sleepwalking also, and typically they wake up from a consequence that they never anticipated. And now that I'm here and I'm able to share my insight, I'm hoping to shape people a little harder with words so that they don't feel the way that I did, because I'm telling you to feel the way that I did about making bad decisions on a consistent basis. It was an eye-opening experience, to be honest, and sometimes you're not blessed with that grace to wake up. So these videos I'm creating is just me expressing my journey and my perspective so that hopefully, maybe I can change your perspective from somebody else.

Not having successful examples was by far one of the tricks of the journey, because you're not supposed to judge other people, but you don't know what it looks like on the inside and you just know that over the course of time relationships don't work. And then you only get the perspective of whoever you're close to in the relationship and it's always lopsided. So, being in a marriage not having guidance, not having an example or somebody to say hey to bounce ideas off of, you're doing it by yourself and if you don't have a good relationship with your partner to communicate, you're just doing it willy-nilly. And I was doing it willy-nilly for the most part. My wife was more open to working together, but I was too arrogant to believe that I didn't know what I was doing and she let me lead. I'm not going to say it was the best, but I did lead and I was not good. I think she understands that I was not trying to lead my family into doom, but I didn't know what I was doing. She had the grace to forgive a lot of the decisions I made for my family, for our family, and now I feel like getting to the point where we can make decisions together has changed the outlook of our family, because we have two heads, two minds, working collectively to put our family in a different place, versus two heads working but not together, so we can't see what the other person is doing. Together. Now that we communicate pretty much everything, it has created a better foundation of decision making for the household.

Catching your partner off guard because you thought it was in the best interest, without getting seeking counsel from the person that you're with, is. It can turn out bad. You know, I know sometimes we want to surprise our family with things, but if it don't come out for the best, it looks like that you were on a rogue mission, so please be very mindful of that. I'm going to end this on this note, and it's not over yet, but unlearning information of what women are supposed to do in a relationship is crazy. I was listening to somebody I can't remember his name, but he was talking about how his father used to always have the plate brought to him, and you know he was talking about how his mother did this. But the father always did this and recognized that it wasn't like that in his marriage.

Depending on where you grow up in time, the women will always get the shorter end of the stick, as of right now, even to this day, with me being intentional about my wife, me helping her as much as I can in anything, because she makes me a better person. Man hasn't gotten to that perspective and, looking in the past, women have always been the help and I know that can be offensive and it's not for all women, but the way that I view time and analyze different parts of it, women were always just a help and now that they have a voice, I think that we still have this idea that women are supposed to do certain roles and I think that women can do roles just as well as men. But it should be discussed with your partner on what those expectations are, because sometimes you just give them this generalized idea of what your partner is supposed to do and it could it could fail your expectations, causing a misunderstanding where the other person didn't even know you were expecting certain things. Because if you expect something from your partner, that should be discussed, because if they don't do it, you're going to think that they did it because they just didn't want to, and a lot of times they don't know that that is something. That's the expectation.

That's why I said communication is so key, because we are typically comparing our life to others, whether people want to believe it or not, the information you have is from other people, because you've only done this one time, and I'm talking about people who are into marriage for the first time. You may have several examples because you've did it a couple of times, but at the end of the day, your partner's voice matters and if you're not collecting I mean communicating with them collectively, like in real time there's too much room for misunderstanding and when there's misunderstandings it's going to be pride and ego. If you guys don't have rules on how you communicate and our communication is terrible. I know that I work on it every single day and notice that I'm so far away from where I want to be that if you're not intentionally trying to get better in communication, that means somebody is misunderstanding you and vice versa.

And the key to being a husband is being open to new information. Being open that the information that you learned was not the best information. Being open that your partner's voice is just as important as yours and nine times out of 10, their perspective will not hurt you. They only see it from one way, but they're not trying to hurt you. They're not trying to take any fun away from you. It's just what's in the best interest of you guys collectively, and men may not think like me, but I do know that I made a lot of bad decisions and I just want to prevent men that may have the same perspective to save themselves before they can't get it back.

A lot of times our decision making and how much we get away with things will make us feel invincible and not consider all parties involved. Now I do understand if you're single and you're doing your thing, but if you are doing your thing, you could prevent yourself from even getting to the part where the husband part is important. End up with kids outside of somebody you want to be with. That changes your life and I know I'm supposed to just be sticking on this husband, but I'm trying to create more opportunities for men to become husbands because a lot of times they will end up making mistakes that they have to be accountable for and can't get to this part because life already lives on us. You know, in having babies with people you don't want to have them with can make decision making very difficult, especially if you create another family. That means somebody's getting cheated. You know, and I know a lot of times we think that because men are paying child support, or men are showing up for the games or the parent conferences, that's enough. Like it's so many hours in a day that the custodial parent has to worry about these hours that if you're not in the household, you're not even aware that it's going on, and that is responsibility that we need to consider.

But back to being like a husband, where I just want to be an example of what's making my family thrive and when I say thrive I just mean it's safe, my kids feel safe, we do family things, my wife feels like she has a partner she can trust and I just feel like it's given me this feeling that I'm on the right track and the effort that I put into this marriage is probably number one on the list, because this is the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life. And I just remember, before I got on this journey, I was always thinking about everything outside of the family, and not saying that my family wasn't important, but I thought other things were just as important. When you realize what's really important, it's easier to remove the distractions out of your life. So, being a husband, the difficult parts I named are serious, but recognizing what are the distractions to remove is very difficult because, as a man, we think we're supposed to do what makes us happy and a lot of times, what makes us happy creates the stress that we think is making us happy. You know, I'll give you an example.

I used to gamble and I would win. There are times where I would win, but there would be times that I would lose and the losing creates a stress because I wasn't as seasoned. As far as okay, if I lose this, I can't lose anymore. I'm just going through experience. But it was causing a stress. That's unnecessary and it impacted people around me. And when I learned how to remove that distraction out of my life I gamble, but I don't gamble often. I used to gamble every single day and, like I said, I won, but those days where I lost it was just a stress because I thought, because I enjoyed gambling, that was something that I wanted to do often and or something that I had to do because I enjoyed it. But once I removed it, like I said, my life changed and I have a lot more money in my pocket.

There are definitely not, you know, like, when you gamble, it goes like this you know, like and like. Now my life is like this. You know, like I would rather be here than ever be down here. So if you're, you're moving up and down. It's like a earthquake or whatnot. When you're low, you're really low. You do know at some point you're going to get that high. But if you can stay balanced the entire time and just take your bumps and bruises, stay safe, your results will look different.

And I know people say you got to risk. You got to take risk. You don't have to take risk emotionally unless it's in your best interest. And a lot of times we're taking emotional risk on bad gambles. If you are not researching whatever you're going to invest in, it's not worth doing, and a lot of times our perspective of risk will give us a consequence that we won't even be able to play that game anymore. So just be careful with how you guys approach the relationship, because once you get into it you're going to have to unlearn a lot of the information that you've learned. Unless you've just had a blessing of somebody who was a great father and a great husband that could say, hey, you shouldn't do it this way. But a lot of us are just figuring it out.

I mean trying to do this, you know day by day and the way that I look at podcasts or hear podcasts or snippets of podcasts. There are a lot of people that are unhappy and they don't realize it's because the lack of communication creates misunderstandings and if you're not open to being wrong, you're going to always have that misunderstanding where a conflict is going to occur. And being a husband, that was really difficult to get to this point where I couldn't communicate. But you don't know, you can't communicate until enough people say hey, man, you need to work on your communication. I thought you said this or I thought you meant this. If you've heard that before, that means you can work on it, even if you haven't heard it. You should always work on your communication because the last thing you want to do is for somebody to misunderstand you, especially if it's something important you know before.

I know I was talking about this, but I just I want to really reiterate the behaviors or jobs that women are supposed to have. They need to be discussed. If you think a woman is supposed to do something, the last thing you want to do is assume that she's supposed to do it, because if she doesn't do it, there goes the misunderstanding. So I'm challenging everybody to talk to your partner and ask them what their expectations are, because you know some of your partners didn't even grow up the way that you think they're supposed to react. So if they haven't even been exposed to it, you're going to be mad that they don't do something.

And I will say if you can be open and honest in the beginning, ask as many questions as possible, it will alleviate a lot of the headaches we end up walking into. So be careful who you choose and ask as many questions as possible. No question is stupid. If you don't know the answer, y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-a-t-a Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose Boom.