growNman
growNman
I am growNman 128 Unlearning Bad Information
Confronting the toxic "player" mentality that defines so many young men's experiences is at the heart of this deeply personal episode. I open up about growing up in an era where music, media, and even family advice celebrated casual relationships as a rite of passage before marriage. This cultural programming—what I now recognize as fundamentally bad information—shaped my approach to relationships for years.
The dangerous simplicity of "just be responsible and wear protection" failed to prepare me for the emotional complexities and potential life-altering consequences of intimate relationships. Through honest reflection, I share how this mindset impacts not just our romantic partners but our own development as men. True maturity, I've learned, isn't about conquest or avoidance of commitment—it's about recognizing your worth and making choices that honor that worth.
My journey took an unexpected turn when an unplanned pregnancy connected me with the woman who would become my wife—someone I describe as "the smartest person I've ever met." This blessing helped me recognize how differently my story could have gone. Now, as I raise my son with entirely different values, I'm passionate about breaking cycles of misinformation. When we teach young people they're "too important" to engage casually with others, we give them permission to demand more for themselves. The hardest part of being a man isn't living up to cultural stereotypes—it's having the courage to question and unlearn them. Whether you're a parent, mentor, or someone still finding your way, this episode challenges you to examine what information you've accepted about manhood and relationships, and whether it truly serves your highest good.
Listen, share, and join the conversation about how we can create better futures by believing we're important enough to deserve better information.
what up doe. Welcome back to. I'm growing man. It's your man, john d, in the building um today I wanted to really kind of be vulnerable with you guys because I haven't really prepared too much more than what I'm going to say, but I want to try to give some examples and well, the, the you'll see what I'm saying. Well, today's episode is for me, what was the hardest part of being a man? If I can be, just, I'm just throw myself out there.
Speaker 1:You know, like I grew up in a time where being a player and a pimp was like the thing to be. Like it was in the music, it was in the rap music. I mean, it was in multiple genres of music as far as like just playing the field. Men got to play the field and that's how I kind of like live my life. Even by my father. He kind of gave me these ideas that I'm supposed to just enjoy life before I get married, because if you do that, you know it's like he. You know my mom left him, so he was heartbroken, but it was like he didn't want that for me, so he didn't ever want me to get married. He was like no, he was like can't want that for me, so he didn't ever want me to get married. He was like, no, he was like can't do that to you and excuse me.
Speaker 1:And being that, he did that I was out here playing the field and I and the reason why I'm talking about this is because I learned some bad information. I learned bad information like I was a really handsome guy back in the day. I'm a really nice guy and I learned to play that, that role really well. And the information I learned was you a man? That wasn't you a man. It was just like enjoy your life before you get married, just be responsible and wear a condom. And that was probably the worst information I could have ever gotten. Oh my gosh, because by the grace of god, I did not get caught by any traps. Now, mind you, I am a very young age at this point in my life and I was. That's why I think god was protecting me, because I was playing within the rules that I was taught. So he was just covering my ignorance and I got to move strategically, like I did have standards.
Speaker 1:I do want to say that Like it may not have looked like it, but I did and I could tell you. But at the end of the day, I was a really nice guy. I just didn't understand how people did one night stands because I just couldn't fathom that. I thought you're supposed to have fun but you're supposed to be safe and I just wanted to get to know the person too much. It's crazy, but my point is that I learned that I was supposed to go fishing and I think that's bad information.
Speaker 1:Like if you think you're really important, you are not supposed to live that life, no matter what you look like, no matter what you have, because mistakes are going to be had at a young age because you don't have enough information. The information that you have at that age is only so much. So if your parents are not giving you correct information, you are endangering your family. Now, mind you, this is only for people, probably young adults, you know. I guess you know what, preferably anybody who's participating in those activities. You are way too important to be feeling like that is necessary. You do not have to do that. If you feel like you have to do that, you learn bad information.
Speaker 1:Now there's a thing called discipline, and I know people run for that. They think that it's just natural. You're supposed to do it. You are supposed to do it, but it should be responsibly. It should be like if something happens, I'm responsible enough to take care of this baby. You shouldn't be thinking about I'm going to get an baby. You shouldn't be thinking about I'm going to get an abortion. You shouldn't be thinking about should I keep it? I don't know Like it should be a plan type thing. But if you're not able to do that, you are endangering how important you really are, because mistakes happen and you know what's so crazy people. You know God wanted me to have this baby. No, god did not want you to have that baby and I'm not saying that you should have had an abortion. You shouldn't have been participating in those activities to even create anything like that. That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:If you've got some good information, you feel like you are really important. The last thing you want to do is stay connected to somebody when you're still learning to get to know yourself. You know like you don't even know who you are yet and you're letting somebody touch you Like if you knew how important you are, you wouldn't let anybody touch you. You would really want to get to know them because you don't want to just let anybody in your family and if you have family members that are pro this or know that you got some really big decisions to make and I'll tell you this I've seen I've seen single parents make it, but I don't suggest that for any kid to go through Like. You were awesome, you did the best you could with what you had, but at the end of the day, it'd be great to have two people that want to do it together.
Speaker 1:And that's why I always say relationships are for mature people and a lot of times I hate to say it, but men, we are not mature because we feel like sex is necessary. That's why I said to learn, unlearn bad information. Just imagine if you had two parents that cared about you. They did this. You went through whatever story you want to give them as far as being exposed to sexual activities and they say you know you're going to run into people your age, maybe younger or older. They're going to have interactions with each other where they're going to say it felt so great and you should do it. You know you're going to think about it. You're going to get urges, but at the end of the day, what separates you from them is that you're, you'll believe you're too important to endanger your future because you're too young to even be doing that. Like mature people should participate in those activities. So you can just see the information that we learned is it's almost like you got to crack the code, and when I say crack the code, I mean like you got to intentionally find ways to change how your family is going to view what could have trapped you. Like a lot of people got away with a lot of stuff. But if you still feed this bad information into your kids, they're going to participate in those activities at an early age and guess what? You're going to hope that they're mature enough to pick the person that's going to be mature like them. Like, if they're really mature, they shouldn't even be doing it because all it's going to do is bring heartache and pain and it's going to make you believe that it's connected to this in pain, and it's going to make you believe that it's connected to this.
Speaker 1:And hardest part of being a man is learning information and trying to figure out why. Everybody getting in trouble with the same information. I learned that it was bad information because now that I listened to my son, I know he has these urges. He's a young man, right, but he doesn't look at it like the way that I did when I was his age. Like he feels, like why would anybody want to do those things with anybody? Like you don't even know who they are, you're just going to let them take something that special and, you know, we made it seem like it's just a part of humans, like it's just that's just what we do. That's bad information, because if you can really control your urges and you did it once every three weeks, once a month just imagine the connection you will have with the person that you you're, you're dating. You would look forward to this moment because you know it's. It's one of those things where we've got books that say we can do this and we can do that and you're supposed to please this and you're supposed to fulfill these duties. You don't realize that we got better information now, so we don't have to like follow the practices of what they did before. Like we looked at women totally different then Now, like there are counterparts, like 50-50, like for the most part, so without with things supposedly getting better, I'm just saying like we don't have to follow those those same practices that wrote these laws that women were less than so. Now that I look at it, I look at my wife totally different and I think, like this is what I know Like the women that I participated in those activities with, a lot of them were trying to turn me.
Speaker 1:They wanted a relationship. I was not in for the relationship because I was told that I'm supposed to just enjoy life. So to me we were just having fun. So I feel like I created relationships with people because they knew I was cool. So I feel like I created relationships with people because they knew I was cool. And I look back and I'm like they deserved a better person because I was literally just having fun. There was nobody was going to turn me like nobody. Like I was going to live that life and, by the grace of God, I got one of the best life-changing moments. I got somebody pregnant, but you know what's so crazy, like, even though it wasn't planned. That's why I say God, be looking out. Like this is the only person like if I were to want to create a life with. Like this is the only person Like.
Speaker 1:There was a criteria that she filled at an early age but I just didn't follow because I was like I wasn't trying to pursue her because I was told at this age I'm supposed to enjoy life, the music is feeding me, it's telling me to do this and do that, and like I'm really participating in this life, life, I had to like realize that that was bad information. I'm telling my son you're too important to be doing that because it only takes one mistake, one. You know, my sister got pregnant at 15. Like just think about that. And she told, she told it was her first time. And just think about, at this age you're not being protected, because there's no way that you should have teenagers at this age with that much freedom to find themselves in situations like that.
Speaker 1:I was that close to a mistake and it didn't even happen until I was an adult Mature enough to take care of the responsibility of a baby and I, mind you, by the grace of God, I'm blessed. But now that I've got to go through it and I look back and I'm like, oh, I'm blessed, like I got friends with double-figured kids. You know, that's a lot of responsibility. I didn't have that. I don't know what that feels like, you know, and like I could have. No, I couldn't have. I couldn't have. No, I couldn't have. Two was the max. I made sure that so I could not have because I just yeah, I was, I couldn't afford. In my mind I was already thinking like family and I was blessed that I found my wife through this.
Speaker 1:Uh, she was the smartest person I've ever met. I've been. You know, if you talk to anybody I talk to, that's what I always say. She was the smartest person I've ever met. I mean, you know, if you talk to anybody I talk to, that's what I always say. She's the smartest person I've ever met. And when I say that I need to, like I guess I need to explain when I say she's smart, you could bring up anything and she can participate in it. Like she pays attention, like you pay attention in your wheelhouse. Like you don't know her weaknesses, like I had to learn her weaknesses by just communicating with her. You know what I'm saying. She gave me this perspective where I can see what it looks like when somebody who has a good routine on improving on things, like she, literally, she used to wake up and watch SportsCenter with me and she used to remember like everything and would ask me follow-up questions like whatever happened, because she would only watch it in my house and it's I mean all about it, but the whole point I'm trying to say one of the hardest parts of being a man is unlearning bad information, and that really goes for all of us.
Speaker 1:I think that if you come to terms with yourself and be like I wish I knew that, you can still turn it around. You know, like you just got to put that work in and you got to believe you're important enough. I just imagine any of this information get to some young people and they actually understand the message. They won't. They'll less likely make a mistake, less likely to make a mistake, because some of them are like I believe in myself. Why would I do that on purpose, like, but it feels so good it ain't worth. It Ain't worth that life Cause I'm gonna tell you like I told my nephew. I said if you get somebody pregnant, you are going to be the worst father ever. You know why? Because your baby going to go home with the mama father ever. You know why? Because your baby gonna go home with the mama. You can't even spend the night with your baby Because you too young. That just shows you the bad information that we grew up on. Like it just and this is the bad information really I think it's where your parents are. It's up to you to break a ceiling, and I do know that that's one in mankind period. It's a problem Like I truly believe that if people approach sex like it's like one of the most important things you can do, but you can only do it sparingly you would have a different appreciation of who you do it with.
Speaker 1:You'll spend a little bit more time trying to find out who deserves to touch you. I promise like if I knew how to articulate, I think I would change the future of a lot of young men. I've seen so many people fall to the wayside and have to work like work, all kind of jobs, long hours for a life that I'm pretty sure that wasn't the plan. And then you know what's that? God wanted me to do this and you know that. Look, this is some bad information, because I'm telling you your job is to enjoy life. There's a process with the information you have. You got to believe that there's more information out there and it's up to you to continue to search for new information, because if you don't and you stay in this bubble, you're gonna cheat yourself like you deserve to truly become who you're supposed to become. It just takes work and you gotta believe you're that important. Like I said, if you don't believe you're that important, none of this matters.
Speaker 1:Um, I've been working on becoming a better communicator in so many different ways. I've been working on becoming a better communicator in so many different ways Like relaying that maybe you learn some bad information could cause a lot of controversy, because you know what I've noticed If you challenge men on things that they believe can't be anything other than what they believe in, it will cause an uproar. I mean, when I say an uproar and I'm telling you, I'm telling like I'm probably. I just want y'all to know I'm down here in the basement and that's the reason why I'm like shaking. So if you look weird, it's because I'm trying to play it off, but I see myself looking like fidgety. It is really cold in here, but I really wanted to talk about why it's so difficult.
Speaker 1:On being a man Like you know, you hear me and say I do what I want. They do, but if they don't look for better information, they'll do what they want and fall for something they thought they were supposed to be doing. No lie, like when I graduated college I graduated in 01, I was in a lot of weddings. I participated in a lot of weddings and when I look at like different populations all over, like when I look and observe, I realize that the people in the beginning they had even less information than we have today and some of them didn't last very long. Some of them lasted longer than expected, but for the most part, only a few lasted.
Speaker 1:When I look at things, I'm like what was causing this and I just feel like it's the information we learn. You know, if we can tell our kids that they're too important to let anybody touch them, I think they would spend more time well, I would hope. This is my goal. I want young people to invest in themselves a little more, because when you really learn who you are, when you learn really learn who you are, you learn what you like and it's easier to pick the person that you want to be with. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-a-t-a Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose Boom.