growNman
growNman
I am growNman 127 Mastering the Art of Silence
Communication saved my marriage when it was on the brink of collapse. After my wife secretly set a deadline for our relationship improvement—one I wasn't even aware existed—I realized something profound: wanting to stay together isn't enough if your communication doesn't show it.
This realization launched me into deeply studying effective communication, which transformed not only my marriage but my classroom teaching as well. I discovered three game-changing principles anyone can apply immediately. First, use the THINK method before speaking—ensuring your words are True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind. Second, embrace silence instead of rushing to fill it. That pause creates space for true understanding rather than merely waiting for your turn to speak. Finally, know when your contribution adds value versus when staying quiet serves everyone better.
What fascinates me is watching these principles transform my students, many from challenging home environments where healthy communication is rare. When they experience being truly heard, perhaps for the first time, it creates safety that allows for genuine growth. As they practice these skills, they're developing abilities that will serve them far beyond mathematics—they're learning how to build meaningful connections in all relationships.
The stakes couldn't be higher. Poor communication creates unnecessary conflict, damages relationships, and even contributes to violence in our society. Yet with intentional practice, these skills can heal divisions, strengthen bonds, and prevent misunderstandings before they begin. Whether in marriage, parenting, teaching, or any relationship, mastering communication might be our most important lifelong journey.
Ready to transform your relationships through better communication? Try implementing just one of these principles today and watch what happens. Which one will you start with?
what up, though, and welcome back to. I'm Growing man. It's your man, john D, in the building, got some news to tell you guys before I get into the topic of today, but me and the wife are bringing our podcast to an end. It'll be four years on our anniversary Our anniversary is the 7th of June and we put out an episode once a week for four years, and that opportunity, it created a relationship that, like one of the motivations that I've been trying to put words together to push marriage.
Speaker 1:You cannot get to where my wife and I have gotten without doing it on purpose, and these last four years and I will say this without the podcast, she and I was going to communicate often anyway. We just happened to catch some conversations for us to share with you guys, but not only that. A friend of mine the other day said man, john D, it's pretty cold man, it's pretty dope Like. Your kids are going to be able to have this for the rest of their life, and they can look back and see what we were thinking at that moment, and it kind of gives them a barometer of that moment, and it kind of gives them a barometer of where they should be, where they passed, where they need to work toward, where they are and what. What was awesome is that he said I would do anything if I had my father on video and me too, you know. Um, I think I think it's awesome for your kids to have in a collection. You know, they may not even look at it, but whenever they do get the opportunity to reflect about their parents, maybe it will spark the interest for them to be like what were they thinking about when they did this? And I think these last four years have shown them. It will show them that we were just learning. We were putting ourselves in vulnerable situations so that we could share with the world, because she and I, before we started, we thought that it would be awesome if we had some of the information we were learning in our process of becoming ideal, you know, for other people to to possibly model.
Speaker 1:So when that comes to an end, I am going to start, um, a streaming day. I don't know when it's going to be, but at that point I am going to ask questions live. I'm going to get questions and what I want to do is I want to be, I want to be in the spur of the moment of answering questions so I can show you guys how I think and why I thought that way and hopefully I can get some participation where I can give valuable feedback, and I can get feedback so that I can improve on the streaming episodes to come. But today I wanted to get back into communication, because that is my wheelhouse. I want to become the greatest communicator ever and I think If I can articulate it in a way where people feel that it's important, it will change relationships.
Speaker 1:Now, as a man, I realized that a lot of men are poor communicators because we operate through just being a man and I've learned that I was pushing my wife into a hard place and I was the rock and it almost left her effortless. It almost left her. I don't know what I'm looking for, but it gave her a feeling that she didn't want to be with me. When I look back, when she told me that she had given me a certain amount of time that I didn't know about and her and the kids were going to do their thing, she said I could be a father and I could be in as much of their life as possible, but it's so difficult to do that when you're not in the same household and I knew that. So I just wanted to focus on communication, because I didn't think she understood that I really wanted to be in the relationship. Well, maybe she did, but she didn't think that I was improving enough to say I wanted to remain in the relationship. Well, maybe she did, but she didn't think that I was improving enough to say I wanted to remain in the relationship.
Speaker 1:The communication aspect changed our entire relationship. I am still learning, I am nowhere near where I want to be, I still get flustered about things, but what I wanted to cover is three things that I think everybody should think about before they open their mouth. There's a poster in my classroom and it has this acronym of THINK the T stands for, is it true? The H is for, is it true the H is for? Is it helpful? The I is for, is it inspiring? The N is, is it necessary? And K is it kind? And when I thought about that, I thought if you could keep those things in your head before you open your mouth, before you open your mouth, you will reduce a lot of conflict and unnecessary disagreements. I'm looking on this page because I just I wrote it down like a couple of weeks ago and I said I am going to talk about communication and try to promote the way that we should we should process information before we respond. Now I will say this Through this journey, I've learned that I always like the attention of knowing something, like if somebody has a question or if they're not feeling.
Speaker 1:If I know anything, I'm trying to share it. And through the journey I realized that it's okay to be quiet and silence is key. When you're silent, you give yourself time to process the information that you just heard, and I don't think I did that a lot because I would hear something and just run with it. They would be setting up a story in my head. I'm like and I'm trying to come up with a solution when that's not even what they were asking. And that's what I realized that as a kid, I don't think I was heard or I wasn't given enough. I wasn't given, I guess, the ability to respond in my own way without being attacked. And I think overall I, just when I was outside, I just decided that I was going to respond to everything and not necessarily like stupid things. It was things that I knew, but I've learned, like I said, in this process.
Speaker 1:Just because you know something doesn't mean they don't. Maybe if you listen and you ask more questions, you'll be able to give better feedback, if that is the process. So the things I want to cover think that's is it true, helpful, inspiring, is it necessary and is it kind? Now, that's just one thing. Think the second one I mentioned just a minute ago silence. It's okay to be silent. It's okay to not know the answer. It is okay to ask more questions, a response or any type of feedback where we can make sure that we are getting closer to what the person is trying to convey in that moment.
Speaker 1:And, being a person of many conversations, I've definitely been in conversations where we were talking about different things. And I think that if you ask three questions and I think that if you ask three questions, prepare to ask three questions you will get a better understanding of what that conversation needs. Typically, if people are coming to you to talk, they find that your information is valuable. If they're not even coming to you to talk, you should be constantly working on finding ways to get better so that when those moments happen, you can be an asset to their life. And the reason why I'm saying it like this is because I'm a teacher and I realize that these kids probably won't ever meet another teacher with my experience and I know how valuable I am.
Speaker 1:So through this process I've been trying to just give my students a blueprint of what I'm trying to accomplish. They know that I have a podcast, like I said, a lot of them follow me, but they don't understand the practice I'm getting with students. My wife was like you know, you need practice with adults. I could use practice with adults, but you know kids have a shorter attention span and if I can say something where they can catch it, it's more likely to work with adults. Being that kids' attention spans are really small, I have to be more cognizant of what I'm saying to them and how I'm saying it, because one thing could send them off into another part of their life that they're not even thinking about math. And if we can think, process, ask three questions, we can get better information to respond to.
Speaker 1:The third thing that I wanted to talk about was knowing when to add. Like that silence thing is really key. Like if you're listening to the person, if you're truly listening, you will give, you will receive, you will receive enough information to know if your information is even necessary. My wife had this thing with the kids when they were little. You know how kids always ask questions and sometimes they're asking questions they know the answers to. My wife came up with a thing like you shouldn't ask a question unless you don't know the answer, and then I realized that you should always follow this. No question is stupid if you don't know the answer. You know a lot of times if you ask a question and somebody say are you serious? And that will.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I've noticed with kids the way that I respond to them on a question they ask. It kind of it puts them in this bottle, like I bottled them up because they were like why is he talking to me like this? Now they don't say anything, but I can tell from the way that I'm speaking to them Like they can tell that I think that they supposed to know something. And if kids get that feeling as a teacher I can't be their safe place. So I am constantly working in way on ways to make sure my students understand where I'm coming from. They know we're on the same team. They know I raise my voice Sometimes. They know that I can have some Some tough tones that could make you upset, but I'm quick to apologize and I can tell them immediately that I'm working on that part and you know they forgive me. And it's awesome to hear because I think a lot of times when I was a kid I don't know if my father ever told me he forgave me If I said I'm sorry. He didn't really care about that. He just kind of moved on.
Speaker 1:And to reinforce a student Is probably it's probably the greatest gift you can give them, because they don't know too much and if you go off on them they can shut down. But if you can build a relationship where they have enough confidence to know that you mean, well, that creates a different confidence Because if you have a relationship with them, they're going to think your opinion is more than their peers. So overall, all of these things that I've been teaching you guys, I've been giving my students day-to-day practice with all of these things that I'm teaching. I know you guys can go back and look at my past videos, but now just imagine if you have a teacher that's teaching the things that I'm learning. Now they say that when you teach something, that means you really know it right. I'm not saying I really know it, but I know the areas that I could work on so that I can improve and see a difference.
Speaker 1:This school year is almost over. We're in the fourth quarter and I have seen a lot of growth in my students from the way that they communicate. You know like some of their households is a tough environment. You know they don't get the love that they truly deserve, so it creates a different person. So me showing them how to communicate is going to, in turn, get them better practices, where they may very well be able to teach their parents how to communicate, not saying hey, you should do this, but practicing a better way to respond or ask questions. It's contagious when you hear something that you haven't heard before and somebody responds in a way that you've never heard respond. It's a thing that goes off in your head like I need some of that, and I believe that my students know I'm trying to give them everything I'm learning. And I believe that my students know I'm trying to give them everything I'm learning and as they continue to mature, I'm hoping that I've planted enough seeds along the way that they will continue to find ways to improve, because communication is by far the most difficult area for mankind.
Speaker 1:You know when I say that I truly mean it. We've been communicating since the very beginning. We've learned words, we've learned language, and speaking to the wrong person I mean speaking the wrong way can hold on gosh, this is me. We have words and language, but we're still not truly understanding. We're truly not understanding how to get along with each other. I think that a lot of times, because life is about mastery and if you don't learn to master your life, your emotions will control the way you respond, and the only thing we can't control is ourselves, and a lot of us have not found the best ways to not overreact or get overwhelmed from things that we can't control. You know, our communication is really the key to getting what you want.
Speaker 1:Remember what I said If you think you have to be silent and you have to know when to add information, if you don't know that, it's going to be very difficult for you to not get into arguments. Disagreements, misunderstandings, creating conflict, finding ways that people can disrespect you Like this can all be removed if you just practice these areas in communication. And, like I said, there are so many other areas. Um, I could really talk about different forms of communication and show what areas we all need to work on. And when I say all like, nobody is perfect in any part of communication. We can always get better. You have to remember that. That's another thing I teach my students no matter how good you think you are, there is a better way to do whatever you're doing you think you are. There's a better way to do whatever you're doing. And if you're not practicing, if you're not looking for new ways to improve it, you are only going to get what you've always been getting.
Speaker 1:I tell everybody your effort will change and create a result that you haven't even seen yet, but you have to believe you're capable of being important enough to do it. I know a lot of people that believe that they're important, but their efforts don't show it. I think yesterday I asked my students. I said I told them about being important. I said if you don't think you're important, who's supposed to really believe that? So I said hey, raise your hand if you believe that you're important. I had one student and you know that one student. He has areas that he needs to work on, but he believes he's that important. It has to start with you and through communication you can find out how important you really are if you know how to think, be silent and process information.
Speaker 1:As I move forward I'm 47, just to remind you guys I plan on working on communication every single day until it's time for me to go. So, over the course of time, I'm always going to share information on what I realize works, what don't work. But I just want, I want people to be able to interact on a level that is beneficial. You know, we've gotten to the point where technology has taken away interaction between people because people would rather be in the house. We have a generation of kids that's in the house more than they are outside, and the only ones who are outside are the ones that's probably playing sports and their parents introduced that to them. So it's going to be very difficult to communicate effectively if you don't even interact with people. So keep that in mind and as we move on and become more evolved in in communication, I truly believe at some point we'll be able to stop wars.
Speaker 1:We'll stop violence from misunderstandings between people, like the idea that somebody can hurt somebody else because they felt disrespected. It's just a lack of communication, because I'm pretty sure the person who disrespected that person didn't even know they were doing it and if they did well, there's tough consequences that come from actions like those, but overall I do believe that we are a nice species. I don't think we're survival of the fittest. I do believe that some people have those tendencies, but I think overall mankind wants to help mankind and if you can't communicate effectively, the person is going to take it the wrong way and that's where the conflict comes. A lot of people don't respond to conflict well and if you get into it with somebody who's had enough conflict, they may bring consequences you didn't even look for and the biggest, toughest, baddest person in the world wouldn't have to be that way. Somebody showed them how to communicate effectively and our environment definitely don't show us that. Our environment actually shows us how to have bad habits in communication. We see somebody get some results from telling somebody to shut up or, you know, using all inappropriate language, and somebody does it. It gives a false impression that that really works. You say that to the wrong person. The consequences are coming and we have to keep that in consideration.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm going to end this one, but I do want you guys to know I'm really excited about streaming soon. I'm excited about me and my wife coming to an end, because I know how hard it is, how hard it was for her and now it'll allow me to accept all responsibility for the content we put out, or I put out, because I enjoy this. I know sometimes you'll hear dead space or some empty thoughts, but overall I am constantly trying to become better and even without me filming, I am trying to find ways that I can get right on here and give you whatever you're looking for for my experience, because my experience is yours. And the better I become in communication, the more likely you to receive the message. And even if you can't receive the message, I'm here to plant the seed and allow your journey to nurture them. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-a-t-a Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose Boom.