I am growNman 121 Unwhipped: The Myth of Successful Relationships

Transcript

Debunking Relationship Myths

Speaker 1 0:05

what up and welcome back to . I'm growing man . It's your man , john d , in the building . Uh , hope everybody's having a wonderful evening . Uh , this wonderful weekend .

Speaker 1 0:19

I just happened to get on one of the social media platforms and I saw a post from a friend of mine who said in order to be in a successful relationship , men have to be whipped or sprung . And instead of sitting on it , I decided I want to get on here and talk about it , but before I just kind of want to give how the order came about . So I wanted to ask what was whipped or sprung , because I wanted to be as fun as possible , but I didn't even give him a chance to respond . So I'm all here because I can tell you what I thought about that at one point and I thought that that was true you had to be whipped or sprung to be in a successful marriage . And when I thought about successful marriage , I meant that it was hit on all the cores . Both people are happy with each other's company and all of this . And , as crazy as it sounds , it's like I didn't even know if it was possible for real , because I thought how long does whipped and sprung last being sprung last ? And I've seen a lot of relationships just fall to the wayside because of false expectations and not really knowing what it takes to be in a successful relationship . But with this post it insinuated that the only way a relationship could be successful is if a man is whipped and or sprung , and I did . I thought like that , but now I don't think I'm whipped or sprung , uh , and I believe my relationship , my marriage , is on a scale of one to 10 and successful a 10 without a doubt , like it's always room for improvement . But we've created boundaries and rules and parameters just in case we get to a place in our in our journey where we haven't discussed it before and it's new information . So we have , like these things set up just in case , you know , some childhood trauma comes out of nowhere to know that . You know it wasn't you , it was something that's unsettled and I do . It was the first time or I've never dealt with this before , but when I tell you , like , when you know how to play a game , it's really difficult to not be good at it . I mean , you know what I'm saying . Like my wife and I , we practice our relationship every single day to some degree , to some degree on purpose , intentional , whatever you want to call it , but it's so on purpose that it has changed the way that we communicate with each other . And that's why I want to say I'm not sprung and I'm not whipped .

Speaker 1 3:28

That phase that was gone in the very beginning and I don't even think I was ever whipped or sprung . I dubbed her a lot , but whipped and sprung . If I looked at it , if I was thinking on the levels of it , I wasn't . She and I had great conversations and we were cool . And then our relationship developed over a short period of time and then we were lifing together for real .

Speaker 1 4:02

And this is the time where I would have thought in my mind like in order to be in a successful relationship , a man has to be sprung or whipped . And I will say when I say during that time I wasn't unhappy , I just thought that the relationship could be better but it would look differently . So it was just me looking from a selfish standpoint , like I'd probably be happier if , or if this happened , I would be happier or we would be happier , but it

Intentional Marriage vs Being Whipped

Speaker 1 4:32

was more so like what was going to stimulate my idea of what happiness is supposed to look like . So as I've matured into this man I've become , I realized I just didn't understand the rules of engagement and most people don't . The mating game is crazy if you're not intentional , because you could end up with somebody that was only skin deep . Everybody's meant for somebody and a lot of times the outside can trick somebody to getting an opportunity to live somewhere else . I don't want to get into that . If you got it , you got it . But just thinking about how my wife and I have matured into this idea of a successful marriage , this is what's so cold about our marriage that we know that it's only going to get better and our baseline is successful . The baseline of our marriage is successful . Imagine that the baseline of the marriage is successful and you're so intentional that you're moving , that it just keeps getting better and better .

Speaker 1 5:43

That's and I , like I said , I'm being completely transparent . I'm not whipped or sprung . Uh , I do enjoy her company , but I don't have to be around her all the time , nowhere near it . You know what I'm saying . But I enjoy her company enough that it doesn't make me feel like that feeling of whipped or sprung , because I remember this idea when I was younger . You know that person that made you like you enjoy being around them . And he was like I'm doing this and I was like so why don't you consider this ? You know he was like you considering it and your change plans . You know what I'm saying .

Speaker 1 6:19

Like that to me was more so like were you willing to just drop everything for your person and I'm like , if I don't want to do it , I won't do it . But if you whipped or sprung , you will do it for her and you should do it for yourself , even though you know it's for her . But if you drop everything else , that's what this run and I feel like I don't , I don't have to do that . So you know , to his question or to his statement , it's false information . What's so crazy is that I used to believe in that . But if you haven't seen a relationship or heard of one , why would you believe it's possible ?

Speaker 1 7:01

There's nobody out there talking about 10,000 hours and working toward a relationship . That is the coldest journey that any two people could take on , because if you could eclipse 10,000 hours , just imagine how many different conversations you wouldn't only learn your person , but you would become a better communicator , because you will learn what you sound like , what another

Building Communication Skills With Your Partner

Speaker 1 7:30

person sounds like , because you start to listen to other things . You know , some people say , oh , there's only so much you can talk about . No , there's so many things you can talk about . Some people just choose not to talk about them , and that's one thing that I really enjoy about our relationship , because I like to talk about the things . That's uncomfortable , even though I'm not the best person , because because sometimes my tone changes and I sound really aggressive and this was so cold about it .

Speaker 1 8:01

Last week she got me and she kind of told me what happened . My tone changed and I was already ready to defend it . She was talking like you know , I don't want you , I want you to take this with love . And you know , sometimes I can just be like ready , defensive , and I don't even know that I am , but she was able to walk me down and look at it and I just you can't do that unless you put that work in with somebody . And that's what you want . You want somebody who can identify a weakness that you have , that you don't even know when it's happening . And I told her I needed some guidance or some help to recognize those weaknesses I have in my communication , because I even have it with my students .

Speaker 1 8:47

I apologized to them . Recently too . I told specifically certain ones that I really have a short tolerance for their attention span and I know that's unfair . But I have a relationship with them where they know my expectation . I'm pushing you . I'm like I'm your teacher . If I don't push you , what kid is disciplining ? I got to push myself because my teacher's not pushing . My job is to push every one of my students and sometimes my talk is how ? Like I don't want to get help from a person who's going to talk to me like that and I mean they , they understood . And I told him I apologize and I told him I'm really working on it because I don't want who wants to be talked to like that .

Speaker 1 9:34

You know , and being a math teacher is already you know insecurities with the math and if you got a teacher that sounds like he don't beat me up because I made a mistake , and that's not even everybody . There's just a few students that I have that you know they'd like to ask for my help and don't be prepared . And when I say don't be prepared , I'm like no paper and no pencil . And I told them don't ask for help unless you got paper and pencil . So now I got them into the routine of it , but like they ain't even wrote the problem down , they got me going back there . Then I get them to read the problem . It was like , oh , I was like how you come back ?

Speaker 1 10:15

Anyways , the whole point is my wife , my relationship , the person that I don't believe I'm sprung or whipped on , was able to help me recognize a feeling that I had I couldn't identify . That causes me to get really aggressive for my , my demeanor and like jerking and like real , real aggressive , like , and I'm like , and I told I appreciate it because I'll be able to at one point figure out why I have that and what I can do to recognize when it's coming . Because , at the end of the day , I just want to learn how to listen and observe . I only want to give information to people who ask for it and I'll plant seeds anywhere

Recognizing Personal Communication Weaknesses

Speaker 1 11:05

and everywhere I go , whether they materialize into something , realize into something . My intent is I come in peace and she allowed me to find that and I don't know if you can see it on my demeanor , but I'm not lying , I'm really not whipped or sprung , but I know that I've never loved a person more than I loved her because she had the patience for me to mature into the man that I'm becoming , and without that I'm average . So , with the work I put in on a daily basis , I want to become a better communicator , with the intent of just listening and observing and hopefully only giving information to those who's looking for it .

Speaker 1 11:52

I don't want to become that person that says this is the way you should do it , because there's a million ways you can do it . But I think people are looking for you know an easier way to adopt something that can help them grow without dealing with some poor habits they may carry . You know , poor habits are real . You know I do recommend this , though just just attack one . But you have to replace it with something so that you don't fall back into relapse because it's so easy when you don't have that , like you've been doing it for so long . It's a habit because you've done it for so long . So you would have to replace it with something that you want to become better . And at one point I'm telling you it's going to be like a switch , like you don't even remember it was even there .

Speaker 1 12:39

And I don't think I could have learned that without my wife and I'm blessed , to say the least my wife and I'm blessed to , to say the least like she's given me . She's given me a more polished perspective when I approach any and everything , although my demeanor , my body language , doesn't reflect , uh , my peace , and you know people , people will take it in a wrong way and I just had bad habits that I'm trying to remove . People say your natural actions , say everything they do , but if I've never dealt with this thing and it just causes this emotion where it comes out of my language and my body language , I'm a grown man now and I'm still underdeveloped in certain areas because I haven't found peace on why I speak the way that I do when I get , I guess , defensive about something that I believe in , I guess , and instead of having a nice dialogue , it causes me to feel like I got to defend myself and I couldn't have done that without her , and tell me that's an example of a successful marriage and this has been a complete blessing to get to this point too . Some of my students have found me on different social media platforms and they show mad love and it's dope , because imagine teaching math all day and you have students

Teaching Students and Personal Growth

Speaker 1 14:15

that don't mind listening to you in their free time To me . That's that's . That's awesome , you know , and I'm trying to get the information translate as much as I can so that they can take any and everything they can and turn it into something that only they can come up with , because they're going to be that code .

Speaker 1 14:34

So I told them that they're my younger versions of me and I'm trying to give them everything I can Try to get rid of a lot of this horrible language that they use . You know , when I was young , I cursed , but I did not curse in front of adults . I didn't want to do that , but these kids have . I guess they don't understand how important your presentation is now , of course , but the language is so foul they apologize . I don't want to make it seem like like you know they , but they use it so often it's almost like just second nature and I'm like , golly , how do they not use this in front of their parents because they be on one ?

Speaker 1 15:15

But regardless of any of that , shout out to you guys . You guys have been a complete blessing for me , because this is by far the best year of my professional career in education , and it's just . It's just . I've just seen it exponentially grow , because I think I found the routine as a math teacher that made them adopt some routine . I told them like the more minutes you accumulate , the better you and more confident you become in math . And you know I got them signing in on their phone , doing lessons on their phone , doing lessons on weekends , during breaks .

Speaker 1 15:55

You know , anything helps and at this age , if they develop a routine as early as this age , they're going to be , they're going to be prepared to dominate the world at some point . But they have to believe that they're that important and I think they will . So shout out to my students . That's allowing me to become a better teacher , because the successful marriage that I'm in it allows me to go to school and just get these kids a better version of a math teacher . Y'all make today better than yesterday . Don't worry about anything you can't control . G-a-t-a Get after that action or that action will get after you . Be great on purpose .