growNman
growNman
I am growNman 115 Embracing Empathetic Communication: Transforming Assertiveness into Connection for Relationship Growth
Have you ever found yourself bulldozing a conversation with your loved ones, only to realize later that you’ve steamrolled their feelings and thoughts? I recently had a wake-up call during a discussion with my wife about a hypothetical adoption scenario that brought my tendencies as a "conversation bully" into stark relief. This episode is a candid reflection on my journey towards better communication within my marriage. It’s about recognizing when my assertiveness crosses into dominance and how that disrupts the safe space that's essential for open dialogue. I share my commitment to evolving into a more understanding and empathetic partner—one who listens actively and creates an environment where everyone feels valued and heard.
Communication isn't just about talking; it's about crafting connections that foster growth and understanding. I discuss the transformative power of self-awareness and consistent effort in mastering the art of communication. By sharing my personal experiences of recognizing and addressing my anger-driven interactions, I hope to offer insights into how purposeful action can enhance relationships. The goal is to become a "super communicator," someone who nurtures meaningful connections in every conversation. This episode is a motivational reminder that anyone can embark on a path of personal development and relational transformation by simply starting with a commitment to change.
what up, though, and welcome back to. I'm growing man. It's your man, john d, in the building um. Today on my news feed, there was a question about person in a marriage four years and prior to them getting married, the the woman had two children and then they had another baby, a third child, which is between those two after four years. Um, she asked him to adopt them and he was like, is he wrong if he say no because he was worried about the financial obligation if they don't work out.
Speaker 1:I'm not here for that. I'm here because I responded in a way that I think that I would have done it as if that was the only way, you know, and I ended up talking to my wife and she didn't agree the way that I looked at it and my tone changed. Now that's why we're here, because I'm working on communication and the way that she was looking at it it's not the way that I'm looking at it and not saying that my way's right, but my energy made it seem like I was right and nobody should be different, and like, ooh, like I could hear my tone changing, and I think this is the fastest I've ever seen myself to reflect from when it happened because Still wasn't fast enough, but I had to apologize a couple of times because I'm talking to my wife about a situation might just be hypothetical, you know, and I can't be talking to my wife like that and it wasn't like I was talking to her crazy, but it was talking like like Republican Democrat, like going back and forth, and I'm like I love my wife and if we can't talk about something like that without my tone changing, I'm not going to be a safe place for her. That's why we're here, because you know a lot of the other videos I was given. I was given things like they could probably change your mindset on getting on this journey of disapproving on everything. But I was like man, maybe people don't want to hear that. They want to know what's going on now and this is what's going. This is real live action.
Speaker 1:I'm working on communication and I used to be a conversation bully, I guess, and I don't want to be that person. Let me just let you know my goal is to to only give advice when asked and to remain silent unless I have to say something. But right now it's like I have all of this information and the person that I used to be and the person that I'm trying to become. It's like I want to let everybody know that I got something, and I get defensive when it's a different opinion. And I'm thinking like right now, being calm, I don't even really care that somebody has a different opinion. And I'm thinking like right now, being calm, I don't even really care that somebody has a different opinion than I do. I just want us to be able to come to an understanding that it's a better way to do something.
Speaker 1:Like when I talk to people, it seems like I'm trying to convince them that I'm right and I don't want to do that. I have these bad practices and it kind of like it rubs me the wrong way. Like you know my kids, my real kids, and my wife they it's like the ones that you love. You kind of like you kind of give it to them more than they should. And that's the reason why I want to improve in communication, because I want them to enjoy talking to me. I don't want them to be scared because we may have a different understanding on something and then I gotta like be the big bad wolf, or like the angry bear, I gotta be loud and start talking fast, and that's where I am today. I am trying to pause two to five seconds so that I can process what I just heard. Versus me like immediately answering because I've heard it before.
Speaker 1:The gall, right, the arrogance, like my bad habit is to think that I think I know everything, and that is a horrible characteristic. You know, like. I do understand why people enjoy talking to me, right, but I understand why people that are close enough to see that other part of me not want to deal with it too, and I don't want that to ever be the case. Before I used to didn't care. People say you shouldn't care about what people think. I don't. I don't care about what other people think, but I do care about my presentation to the world. I don't want you to see anything less than stellar when I'm at my calm and my best when something bad happens. I want to still remain that calm person that is trying to process so that we can move forward. Calm person that is trying to process so that we can move forward.
Speaker 1:I don't want to become this conversation bully, this know-it-all, this arrogant, pompous butthead. I'm not there and I'm happy to just be able to talk about it because it makes me feel like I'm closer to figuring it out versus not even knowing that it was a legitimate problem. Like I know people like talking to me but nobody likes talking to that other person. That feels like nobody can disagree with me and I don't know where that energy came from. But I want to be able to control it and use it for good. You know, just thinking about how I was just talking to my wife Now, it wasn't like a fight or anything, but it was just like what are you talking about? I'm talking to her like with this tone, like you sound crazy and like nobody wants to sound crazy, right, and I have this tone where I could make you sound like you crazy and who wants to talk to a person that can make you feel that way, like it may not bother you, like I know I ain't crazy, but you don't want to hear that from somebody you love. You don't want to hear that from somebody you don't love. So I'm just trying to figure out how I can take that tone out.
Speaker 1:Like I have a part of me that is so immature that I hope, with this intentional work I've been doing, that I'll be able to get a hold of it With this intentional work I've been doing, that I'll be able to get a hold of it. You know, I've I've never wanted things before other than financial gain, but now, like I want to become a better version of me, like it's a lottery type thing. Only thing is that I'm actually working toward it to develop this person and I'm excited. But right now I'm telling you, like only thing I can say, that I can see him a lot more now. I know, like I don't know when he's coming, but when he's there I want to be able to be like you don't have to act like that. You know, I just don't know when he's there yet and if I could, like I've gotten, you know, some help.
Speaker 1:They say I should pause two to three or two to five seconds and ask questions. I'm supposed to ask three questions and then I'm supposed to paraphrase and I'm not doing it and it's eating me alive and I guess I'm getting closer to it because I don't know I'm not gonna stop. Just you know, I just don't. I don't know what to say in this situation other than like it's uncomfortable to to reflect back on a moment where you, looking like you weren't at your best, like I have these a lot more now, like I'm like recognizing, and it's typically just through conversation anyway. You know me working with students every day, like I have time to like practice, and the problem is that when I get home I'm not still practicing. I need to be practicing it like trying not to over-talk or give unsolicited advice. That's a hang up of mine, you know. I know one day I'll be able to just sit there and listen. You know, be the wise old Al. You know that is a maturity thing too, and I'm hoping to learn to be quiet sooner than later, because it is killing me on the inside.
Speaker 1:I know some of you guys are like what is this dude talking about? I just don't want the people that I'm conversing with to feel, you know, attacked, and that's not even my intent. Sometimes people feel like when you're your natural self, that's who you are. It is, but that's because it's like a defense mechanism from something in childhood that I probably haven't dealt with yet, um, and I don't know what or how to unlayer that part. I guess this is just the first time I've actually, you know, said some of these things out loud, so maybe I'll be able to like slow down and I know how about? This is a little sidebar for those of you that play chess If or when, when I figure this out, I will become a really good chess player because, lord knows, I'm moving a piece before I've evaluated the board, processed what just happened, just like when I talk, you know, in any type of conversation where it's dealing with relationships or dealing with diets or dealing with, like, health.
Speaker 1:I feel like I know a lot of information in there and not understanding other people's walk. I feel like it's a one size fit all type thing and people deserve a better version of me because there's not a one size fit all. You know, there are definitely different options for people to be successful and I just want to share it. Sometimes it sounds like this is the only way to do it, when, in fact, you can do it in so many different ways. I don't know all of them. I just know that some of the ones that I've run across they actually work.
Speaker 1:You just have to put the effort in and complete the process, and that's what I'm trying to do is put this effort in and complete the process of being able to pause, ask three questions and paraphrase. Ask three questions or paraphrase. I don't know why I couldn't think of paraphrase. But not only that, there's this thing I don't know who said it, but you should seek to understand before seeking to be understood. Like, if you don't know what the person's saying, you're probably going to embarrass yourself, and I probably embarrassed myself my entire life. You know, and I feel like now I'm in a place where I can address this concern and attack it with relentless tenacity and bend this opportunity to my will. I will fix this. I'm out here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just I don't want my wife to feel like she can't talk to me. You know, I went and apologized to her and she said yeah, you know, I was just wondering. I didn't want to say nothing while you were in it, because I know that sometimes you don't hear and you will get more mad. And she was like and I just was like disgusted, like she was right, but I've never, like, recognized it so quickly. So hopefully I'm getting closer and closer and then I could put that on my tool belt. That's what I've been doing on this journey showing everybody how I'm just adding different things on my tool belt so that I can move through life in an effortless fashion, while helping other people to find a peace through their own effort. That creates a happiness that I'm still trying to describe Like.
Speaker 1:Working on communication is my lifelong goal and I won't stop until it's time for me to go. And I'm going to enjoy this right, because communication is the key to so many things and if people incorporate a lesson of communication every single day, I can just go on YouTube and just put in a communication video, listen one, like for 30 seconds to like as long as you want. You know, I listen to communication all the time because there's so many things that I just wasn't taught, and right now I'm trying to become what is it? A super communicator, and I'm going to achieve it at some point.
Speaker 1:So those of you that are watching, you can go get whatever you want, but you got to put that work in. You got to put an effort that you have not done on a consistent basis ever, because if you did, you would be in a different place. I'm telling you there's an effort that you haven't seen that you can put in toward anything that you can achieve. You just got to do it on purpose. Y'all made today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-a-t-a Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.