growNman
growNman
I am growNman 106 Embracing Fatherhood: Balancing Discipline, Emotional Well-Being, and Personal Growth
Can a father break free from inherited parenting patterns to foster a nurturing and understanding environment for his children? In this heartfelt episode, I, John B, explore the delicate balance of discipline and emotional well-being in my journey as a father. As a math teacher, I draw from my personal experiences to emphasize the importance of instilling perseverance and a strong work ethic in children. I share candid reflections on the pressures unintentionally placed on my wife when seeking her advice and the challenges of communicating lessons without causing emotional hurt. This episode serves as a raw and honest look at the complexities of fatherhood, where learning from past experiences and making mistakes is part of the process of becoming a better parent.
Through storytelling and personal anecdotes, I highlight the misconceptions surrounding success, whether in traditional careers or as social media influencers, and advocate for pushing kids beyond their comfort zones. The journey of parenthood is filled with unknowns, and I reflect on my own fears of unknowingly removing important elements from my children's upbringing. Yet, there is hope. Each day presents an opportunity to be better, to foster a loving environment, and to teach my children to surpass average expectations. Join me as I navigate the challenges and joys of fatherhood, with the ultimate goal of leaving a positive legacy for my children.
what up, dope and welcome back to. I'm growing man. It's your man, john b, in the building. Uh, so disappointed because I just shot a wonderful episode and I didn't record. But I'm going to do my best to give you the nuggets that I've discovered.
Speaker 1:Becoming a father, I do want to say that being a father at this point in my life is probably the most difficult part, because I'm trying to give them everything that I've learned and still give them a discipline that doesn't hurt their feelings. And when I say that I mean, like you know, how fathers are known to discipline children. I want to be able to discipline where they understand it's good for them, not because I said so, and that's really difficult to do, if that's all you've seen, and I'm actively trying to figure out how I can say the right words without creating this, this emotional hurt, you know, and I think that my father used to do it to me. When he opened his mouth it was just like what is he going to say now? And then, as I got older, you know I didn't. That's just the way that he talks, but I don't want my kids to feel like that now.
Speaker 1:And where I am as a father has been really difficult because I don't want to give those vibes which I do and doing that, I've asked my wife for help and I have given her an anxiety because the way that it sounds between my son and I is like we're beefing and we're not beefing, but she is taken in that way because of the way that I'm. I've addressed it to her and I want to say this I was being vulnerable to her because I didn't know what I was doing and I saw that their relationship was the way that it was and I was like kind of asking for guidance and I think I put too much responsibility on her where she felt like she was in the middle and I created an energy in her that I didn't know that I could create, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I thought I was being like the new age man where I could tell my wife you know, this is where I am, but I guess the way that I told it to her, it felt like she was almost responsible for trying to help me figure this out and I'm seeing all of that is that this is this is really my first time, you know really trying to figure out how I could become a better father for my son and I've been working on this, but I didn't know that this was hindering me, like, because when I talk to him I can see his face, his energy, just like, and that bothers me as his father and I don't know how to change that at this point. And I was asking her to deliver messages and why is he not doing this? And didn't realize what I was doing to her. But I'm telling you all this because in fatherhood there are going to be things you don't know. You know and you have to believe that you're doing the best you can. I do know that when he gets older, he's going to, he's going to understand my intent. But I want them to understand now, because that's what's the relationship I'm trying to create is like, you know, he wants me to be around. I give you an example Um, there was a time a few years ago where I said, if they're ever all together somewhere, if they're leaving, I want to be with them because I want those moments.
Speaker 1:And then recently I've decided that I can't do that because I bring so much more. I bring an energy that is not laid back. You know, my wife is more cool, me. I'm more. What are you doing today? What have you been doing? What are you working on? It's always how can you get better? Because the biggest gift I want to give my kids is the understanding that it is a process to completion.
Speaker 1:Whatever you think you want, if you want to be good in it, you got to do more than the people around you. Typically, the people around you are really average. I was in a group recently with a group of men and the speaker said it was 73% average people. I disagree. I believe it's way more than that. I think it's definitely over 90%, and the reason why I believe that is because average is subjective. But to be better than average is to do more than the people around you, and I want my kids to know that the people around you are not working as hard as they could be. Therefore, you aren't.
Speaker 1:And if you don't have anybody to push you which I do believe that is my job as their father is to push them in a direction, past the boundary, to get a result they didn't know they could get, because struggle scares people and if you don't have struggle, you can't see how strong you are and sometimes you just need somebody to push you. Those of you that don't know, I'm a seventh grade sixth and seventh grade math teacher and I have students that don't do work. So I talked to him. I'm like hey, do you want me to stop pushing you? Because it seemed like every time I come over here I irritate you and I don't want to do that. They was thinking.
Speaker 1:I was like I just want you to know. If you decide that you want me to stop pushing you, I need you to tell your family, I need you to tell your parents. I was like why would you say that? I said if you tell your parents that Mr Lewis has stopped pushing you, they're going to wonder why. And if they wonder why, they're going to come talk to me and then I can tell them why I stopped pushing you. And then they would think why I stopped pushing you. And then they would think and I was like no, I wouldn't want you to stop pushing me, I want to get better and that is what I'm trying to get for my kids, my kids in my household, because the way that I speak to the students out there, some of them don't like it. But I told them I'm working on my communication and my tone sometimes sound a lot more aggressive, but at the end of the day, I want you to do well. And they believe that they bought into that.
Speaker 1:And I don't think my kids have bought into it. My own personal kids. They know that I love them, but when I push them it seems like why? And they don't understand that if you don't have anybody pushing you, you've got to be something special, to have something inside of you to push you further than the people around you, and I don't believe my kids have that. I believe that has to be taught.
Speaker 1:I do believe that there are exceptions, but I know who my kids are and since they don't have it, I want to show them the process of completion. And sometimes, when I'm showing them these things, it's always I don't even know how to explain it. I wouldn't say it's always a problem, but it's like I don't want it. I don't want that, or at least that's what they make me believe, like I don't know. But at the end of the day, I just want them to know whatever they decide that they want in life, I want them to know that they can get it, but it's going to take an effort that their environment are not practicing and something that they're going to have to put in to develop something they haven't seen. And some of the best things you've seen in the world took a long time to create, and I think social media and television radio, that's so far away from you. When I say far, you don't know what they did to become that good, but when you see it on TV it's like I can do that too did to become that good, but when you see it on TV it's like I can do that too. You know, I hear parents upset about kids that want to be influencers and social media stars or whatnot. They're looking like that's an easier route and people don't realize like a lot of the videos y'all see, some of those videos won't be around four or five years from now, because they're going to learn that the process was way longer than they thought it was going to be. If you don't put the work in, you can't receive those fruits.
Speaker 1:I've seen podcasts come and go and the reason why I'm using this is because I do podcasts. You guys are watching this, so I'm going to do this for the remainder of my existence and you know who gets to watch my kids. My kids get to see. My father was determined to share information to help other men, parents and people in the areas that he likes. He did it very often. He did it because he enjoyed it. Like I don't do this to expect any type of financial return, although I know it's going to come. I do this because I'm trying to give information that could have helped me during my walk and sometimes this could be like a therapy session for me to discuss. You know the type of father or husband I am, but overall it's to share some of my mistakes, some of my own research, so that maybe it'll spark an interest in you to find out how important you are.
Speaker 1:And, being that I take fatherhood very seriously, I want to find a better way to not create the trauma that you know kids go through, because they have their own perspective by now. But I only want to give them what any parent want to give them. You know things that make them do well when they leave us. So hopefully I can create this relationship I want with my son before he leaves. I got three years and I'm going to do my very best to improve this area. And when I say that me and my son are not beefing.
Speaker 1:It just doesn't look like the relationships that you see on television or you hear about. Sometimes I see, uh, relationships on tv, like I mean on social media, like I see the hard work and I see the smiles, but I don't see the the day-to-day interaction. And I believe that the day-to-day interaction is what I need to work on to create that feeling for my kids. Um, I didn't realize how much stress I was giving my wife, because I was asking my wife for feedback, as if she knows how to be a father, but she's a great parent and I was using her as, like the middleman, to be the liaison between my son and I, and she took it in a way that I didn't expect her to take it in. And when I say that she wanted to help, but she wanted our relationship to be what I thought it should be, and I didn't realize how much of it was weighing on her. And I'm saying this because I was vulnerable with my wife by giving her information Like I don't know.
Speaker 1:You know, my father wasn't the best communicator and I didn't really like him until I became an adult and I wanted my son to love me, like he appreciated me in a different way because I didn't really like him until I became an adult and I wanted my son to love me like he appreciated me. In a different way because I didn't get to appreciate my father until I got older and I don't want any kid to go through that, let alone my own. But that is the road that I've been traveling and I wanted to share. Like fatherhood, it's like not knowing what you're supposed to do. All you're going to do is use the behaviors that you know from your childhood, try to take out the ones that didn't work for you, try to use the ones that you think did work for you and hope that you're creating a better product. But sometimes you take away things that they probably needed and you don't know until you get older. So that is the ignorance of fatherhood. That kind of scares me.
Speaker 1:I also want to make sure that when I'm talking to them then I'm delicate enough for them to not be offended, but at the same time they're like I needed that. I haven't been able to decipher that, because everything I say is not delicate. The tone sounds real, real aggressive, like I'm not even their father. It's like probably I am of their father. It's like an old school father, do as I say, and I don't even want it to sound like that, so I'm not even doing it on purpose. So, through me looking for new information, having conversations with fathers, that are awesome. Hopefully I can rub off on my son and he can receive the messages while he's still in the house. Um, y'all, make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T, a get after that action or the action will get after you. Be great on purpose.