growNman
growNman
I am growNman 101: Embracing Authentic Connection: Transforming Relationships Through Intentional Communication and Vulnerability
What if mastering communication could transform your relationships and elevate them to new heights? Join me, John D., as I unravel my personal journey of growth and connection, sharing the lessons learned from my time in Abu Dhabi and the disciplined routines of professional athletes. Explore how these experiences, coupled with a period of financial turmoil, led to a profound transformation in my relationship with my wife. By embracing intentional communication and vulnerability, we overcame challenges, learning to protect and understand each other in a deeply authentic way. Discover the concept of becoming a "colorless husband" and how it guided my quest for a fulfilling partnership.
In this episode, we break down the art of effective communication and its pivotal role in nurturing healthy, thriving relationships. From setting clear boundaries to embracing vulnerability, I share insights into how my wife and I cultivated a deep bond by focusing on what truly matters. We delve into the importance of empathy, adapting to each other's needs, and consistently striving for personal growth. Learn how the journey of mastering communication can not only enhance your relationship but also improve overall well-being. Listen to this enriching exploration of mature communication as a transformative tool for lasting joy and fulfillment in relationships.
what up, though, and welcome back to I'm growing man. It's your man, john d, in the building. What's happening everybody? Uh, today I decided to go on chat gpt and ask uh, chat gpt, why? What kind of question could I answer? To show the world how my wife and I relationship got to where it is okay. So those of you that don't know, I'm an educator, but I was an administrator in abu dhabi and toward the end of my contract they changed and we ended up sending my wife back.
Speaker 1:But during this time, I started going on this journey with just cleansing my body. You know, I'm always trying to get better depending on who's around me, and at this point nobody's really interested in the journey I'm on. So I had decided that I'm gonna just do this and see what it could bring to me, but my family has shifted back to the states to start to get a jump start before I came back after I completed my contract, but I had this reflection period of how did I lose my family? And I lost them because I was financially ignorant. I thought I was going to just make that much money forever and I didn't know how to save enough to make it make sense for me to be able to just leave. So during that period of time I started to create a routine. Well, actually, I started to study professional athletes, specifically players in the NBA it's my favorite sport and I started to learn how they approached that part. And I realized that their routine is so dope that people are willing to pay them that much money to hoop. And I was like I don't even got a routine, so nobody's going to pay me to do anything other than what I was doing. So I decided to evaluate my life and I was looking at my relationship with my wife and I was like how did we get here? How does she feel about me, how I feel about her? And I just like, looked over, it was just. I was like I cried for like at least a couple years because I just thought about how arrogant, ignorant I was, and she just just kind of just kept it moving. She just was strong.
Speaker 1:When I realized how blessed I was, I started to create a routine of ideas of what I wanted to give back to her and I was like I didn't even realize I didn't know her as well as I should have and I started to do research on relationships through people that were in them had ideas on them why we do what we do. And that's when I determined I came to the conclusion that I'm gonna become a colorless husband. I was like, how do you become a colorless husband? And then I just created my own thing.
Speaker 1:So my own thing was like we were gonna talk every day. I mean intentionally talk. Like we were going to talk every day. I mean intentionally talk, like we were going to really try to like run down our whole life. You know, you really, this is why I knew that we didn't know each other, like because I never told her stuff like that. I've never said out loud Like it was so much, it was so many things I needed to unlayer and it was just certain things that I never shared with her. But once I I gave her everything. I told her every. There is nothing that I can recall that she doesn't have.
Speaker 1:And I wanted our relationship to be where we could be that vulnerable, where, if she knows my weaknesses, she'll always protect me, she'll put me in a position where I won't hurt the family, and she's made me a stronger man by far. And intentional conversations allowed me to learn her, her behaviors and the areas that I didn't like as much, but it caused me to ask more questions, to say, hey, why do you respond this way? At one point she was like John, sometimes we're not going to agree on things and I'm like, I get it, but I want to know why we're disagreeing and I think that just put us like me intentionally doing that it changed our relationship and like we even got rules you got to come up with, you got to have rules too. So I remember in the beginning you know life. Always people talk about silent treatments that should be off the table. If this is somebody you want to be with for the rest of your life, why are you doing silent treatments? This is you playing games like come on, that's childish. Um, it really is childish though. Um, you can take it that I'm calling you childish, where I'm saying once you mature, you'll see this childish life. You know, to give someone silent treatment, the person you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life, uh, so it's not really name calling, it's the act.
Speaker 1:When you become vulnerable, you have to set rules because you don't want to hurt your mate on purpose and if you don't know enough information that can change a conversation so quick, it causes problems through triggers and people respond, tone change, everything. Communication is so important. So we have to consider how we speak to our mate and when we, when we talk about things, we have to be sure that we ask enough questions so we can truly understand, because a lot of times we assume that our mate would do what we would do when our life is totally different, or we think I think they would do this because I've been exposed to this and men do this and women do this, but that's assuming. So the intentional conversations, it it opened up a door that I don't think any man has ever shared with me and if they did, they didn't say it. Where I knew how to get there, didn't say it. Where I knew how to get there.
Speaker 1:Doing this every day, this intentional conversation, you're going to learn that at some point you can enjoy each other's company and wouldn't even talk. You watch something and you know what they're talking about. What they're thinking about because you know how they view things and it just changes the complexity of the conversation because you feel like you know you're made. He was like you come up with different ways to say hey, have you ever considered this what would you do, did you miss? And it's like it's a different type of connection, because right now, since I said I was going to do that, I believe by creating those boundaries, to say, hey, you can't have, if somebody says something to bother somebody, you have two days max, and the two days is for you to process. It's not for to look for an apology, it's to process what happened. Because if both parties process what happened, the person that was wrong will realize it. Then that should be a sufficient amount of time and if it's not, then you need to realize or come to. You got it, you got to progress to some point, because me and my wife we don't have two days anymore. It's like it might not, it might just be like a nice, you just go to sleep and then the next day, uh, we already know where it went wrong. You know it's not something that it keeps us fighting. You know, because we're on the same team.
Speaker 1:The idea that I think my wife would hurt me and I respond in a way I remember this is look, I can tell you like the way that I used to view how she looked at me on something she made me question was she coming for my life, because I'm just used to people coming for you. You know what I'm saying. And she was like John, I love you. Like, why would I come for you on purpose? Like people be petty like that? And I was just like, every time it sounded like this is somebody coming for me? I would respond, and if you petty, I could be at her. You know, and she's my wife, why am I treating her like that? So I realized that we didn't have enough conversations for me to know that she's not coming for me.
Speaker 1:So when I got over that hump, that reduced a lot of my triggers, because now I realize that people can talk in a certain tone and not even come from an intent that you normally hear. You're like what are you talking to like that? Like she's my wife, why is she talking to me? Like, is it something I'm saying that's triggering her? So it made me like evaluate and reconsider how I was talking to my wife, because I don't want to hurt her in no way. But, um, let me see, oh, you gotta be open to being wrong, like sometimes we'll be so gun, oh, in a perspective and we'll defend it and we'll, we'll say things and and and hurt people in the process and not realizing that we could be wrong.
Speaker 1:The other person if it like, they feel the same way. And I feel like if we approach things and try to empathize and ask enough questions to be like so why do you feel so strongly about that? The person that's more open to trying to understand the other perspective, the conversation automatically matures and what you're doing you're showing that other person. This is how we can communicate. When we have misunderstandings A lot of times it's just we just never matured in how to use words effectively.
Speaker 1:I'm learning that the process of me talking to my wife and not triggering her because she knows me better than anybody, right, and apparently it's something that I'm doing and she could have her own insecurities, but that means I don't know her well enough where I am changing my tone to prevent her from responding this way. So I've learned so many different things about my wife. That is reciprocated when you intentionally do something, you get better. So what do you do on a daily basis If you live with somebody, because you can never learn them too much I'm telling you, and it's worth the journey. I'm going to tell you why it's worth the journey. I was telling my friend I got so many friends chasing about.
Speaker 1:If you master your relationship, people will ask you for information about how did you get there. If you're really good, people will pay you for that information. No matter what language, what religion you follow, everybody wants to grow old with somebody happy. None of that, other stuff matter, no matter color. Oh, that's just distractions. But just imagine if you soak hold of your relationship. That's an abundance of like wealth that every group of people looks for Intentional conversations where you learn your mate.
Speaker 1:That's why I say to all you people that are looking for that person you want to do a credit check on their life. This is the person you're going to be with If you get this relationship. Like you get a free t-shirt for doing a credit application and you mess up your credit, that's how it can be. It's a poor analogy but you have to put yourself first, ask enough questions Is this worth it? Is this worth the investment? Is this person mature enough to give me what I'm looking for? Can I give them what they're looking for? And it takes a mature group of people to make decisions like that for a family. When I say group of people, I mean like people mimic others, like what we're talking about in school recently, like you want to take students out of general population and put them in an isolated area, but they mimic each other and if you don't know how to do something, you hope that the people around you know what they're doing.
Speaker 1:Relationships it's a poor example out here and I'm telling you to get to where I've gotten. I could be with my wife 365 days a year. I could be with my wife 365 days a year, literally Like I don't need a break, because we've created a relationship that you can only appreciate if you're in one, because everybody don't. I don't think they believe the messages that you can get here. But if you really want to get here, intentional conversations you talk about the most difficult things, the uncomfortable conversations create your rules. If you create your rules, the other person knows like somebody says something and it's triggering you. You got to be like, hey, some, some kind of key word. You'd be like, okay, what did I do? You know, because you don't want it to go one to a hundred so quick. You wanted some, you want some some posty notes here. Okay, this person said person said this, that's the one. And let them know. Hey, last time you said this, I know it escalated to this. It's like letting them know, because sometimes you don't know that you have these practices that that you can change.
Speaker 1:Just imagine if he was an effective communicator, how, how much you could learn about your person. I'm telling you and I know she can vouch for this because you know like I know, sometimes she probably don't feel like talking, but she does. She still comes around Like she wants to be around. We don't have to talk but we enjoy each other's company. We know what we enjoy on television. We know what the television is not on, that we can still have a good time. We can talk about a little bit of everything and just talk for hours on it, because there's so many things you can learn from your person through intentional conversations and when you're open to being wrong, you realize life is a lot easier than what people make it seem. You know it's a lot of distractions outside. If people worked on the inside, outside would just be fun to go to, inside it could be something special. But you got to be careful at what you're looking at when you step outside, because a distraction will prevent you from getting to the peace that everybody want to have when they grow older.
Speaker 1:They want to grow older with somebody. Nobody wants to grow old and alone. People can say that, but it doesn't make sense From all the messages we've heard about humans. It's all about relationship building and then all of a sudden we have these exceptional people that says I want to be alone Don't make sense to me. So to me they heard the wrong messaging. But even if they did hear the wrong messaging, majority of the people that I encounter they want to grow old with somebody and smile and just enjoy life together. Like I'm almost a half a century and I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I'm telling you this I'm not even at the peak, because it only gets better when you do intentional work. The relationship transform right in front of you and you're like hey, what we out here? So intentional conversations create rules and boundaries so that you guys can play safe when learning each other and be open to being wrong every day. Use those three things. You'll stay inside a lot more because I know, like the different breakfasts she like, lunch, dinner, snacks, different drinks, drink mixtures, fruits, like.
Speaker 1:When you do this, you can create a beautiful experience over the course of time, because you're like, wow, I know all this information about this person and I can just give them this experience and I'm like I haven't done that. I'm still. I've just now learned this when I was talking. I'm like, dang, I know all of these things. I can create an experience for her that she don't even know what's coming. I have this information, I know like the cheapest experience we can have and she'd be like she had a good time I could, so give her this experience. She'd be like, oh, he really like.
Speaker 1:Like when you learn your person, you, you unlike, you unlock a part of a relationship and understand why people are unhappy. I'm not saying I know everything, but I know that if you talk to somebody every day on purpose, your relationship changes. It really changes. I see unhappy people every day. I go to work. Look, they say that my school is tough. They pay the subs a lot of money a day, like if I was without a job, I would definitely be there. But this is my point. I think it's the best school, one of the best schools I've ever been to and I'm always happy there. So I'm just showing you the relationship that I, if I wasn't happy at home. There's no way I could be happy at work with these kids. So the relationship I built with my wife can change how you view the world.
Speaker 1:Like I think if people are willing to do the work, three things let's try to put them in order. Like you talk to each other, create some rules. Okay, if y'all do silent treatment, you can mature to like okay, no more than whatever many days you feel, and as you continue to work, you won't even have to announce it. But you know, if it goes back to the max, something really triggers somebody. So somebody, through that reflection period, somebody's going to have to say, hey, I need some more time. Okay, I'm ready to talk, but you need to know rules, because you guys are learning each other and if you all don't know the rules, you look like somebody's doing something on purpose. So create the rules.
Speaker 1:Be open to being wrong, like when you're open to being wrong, that means you're asking questions, you're actually listening and you're not trying to counter what they're saying. You're trying to understand as much as like. Why do they feel that way? How did they end up feeling that way? What, like, are they going to keep feeling that way? Is there something that can make them feel different. Because when you people say this uh, I agree, disagree it's because they don't have the communication skills for to to create the empathy for the other person to understand. So it's like the safest way to go is just okay, I'm going. And when somebody says that, typically the person who doesn't say it first they feel defeated. So they feel like they want to say it in a different way, to give them more. But just be open to being wrong. It's okay in being wrong. And the last ingredient you have to do it every day.
Speaker 1:You have to do intentional conversations every day, like it's 365 days in a year and I'm trying to think the only days that my wife and I didn't talk are the days that, like when we were apart, like if she was out of town or I was here, we still still communicated, but we didn't communicate like that. But every single day, but not only that, we don't just have one conversation a day, we have conversations throughout the day. Like we get up in the morning. I'll give you an example Like on a Saturday morning, I feed the dogs at 6 am. She typically rolls out of bed about 7. We walk the dogs, we're conversing. We're not talking, we're conversing. We're like, okay, what are we about to do? Well, let's shoot. So we'll shoot after we walk the dogs. And then, after we shoot, we'll be like, okay, do we have anything to do with the kids? If not, if we do, it'll probably be in the afternoon. So at this time it's about nine o'clock in the morning and we'll watch something and just talk and then we'll be with the kids in the afternoon. We'll go do something, come back, have lunch or something, and then we're together the whole day. And then Sunday we kind of like repeat, but I have a block of time where I'm like doing lesson planning. But every day, like outside of work, is just us building this relationship.
Speaker 1:This relationship has made everything else outside of my life like and I think everybody, I believe everybody who's in a relationship can do it people be like well, it's take two in a relationship. It takes two to make it work. No, it only, it only takes one. It only takes one person. Like if you do what you're supposed to do, like now and when I say that I'm saying this, if you're in a relationship that you invested in in the beginning to determine that this person was for you opposed to like, oh, they got this, or she looks like this or she got that.
Speaker 1:I'm not really referring to the people that's in the relationship now, and I'm talking about healthy ones. I'm not talking about any abusive relationships. An abusive relationship is anything where one of the people feel like they don't like it. It doesn't make them happy. Not just being wrong about anything, I'm talking about yelling physical, whatever mind games. That's not a good relationship. I'm talking about a relationship where two people genuinely like each other and you know it might have been some mistakes along the way, but you guys can make it work.
Speaker 1:And if one person might be hurt more than the other, but the person who does the work my wife told me that she said it's really hard for a woman to leave a man if she sees him improve, unless it's just, it's not enough movement. If they feel like because I feel like women will make you better they will create an obstacle and you may not like it, but it can be done. But we're not going to think like that. And as far as women, if you want to make it work, you're going to have to teach her. If he's a man, teach him how to communicate better. And when I say that effective communicators don't have these problems, no, they don't. Effective communicators don't have these problems. And me and my wife well, my wife and I are learning. You know, we're becoming a lot better and one day we're going to be very effective.
Speaker 1:Like, I don't want to make her mad in any way, but sometimes it happens and it wasn't on purpose, but it's not like she can't control her feelings. It was something that I said, that I just don't know, or she hasn't been, it hasn't been brought to her attention. Like, why is she mad about this? But once we learn that it doesn't happen again and that's one less moment that you got to worry about in the future because, like you've already figured it out so boundaries and rules being open or being wrong, and intentional conversations every single day for the remainder of your existence you'll live longer, and I'm gonna prove it too. My wife and I are. We've already improved our diets. You know. We have better practices. We're trying a lot more active in trying to do the right things.
Speaker 1:As far as taking care of this vessel this is the only vessel we got, and we believe that the happiness is what's going to keep it going. And I could be wrong, like no. Of course I could die, but I do believe the happiness in a relationship can keep it going and we don't prove it Over the course of time. Of course these videos will become more valuable, because I'm talking about it now. But do those three things. Your relationship changes and you look at life a lot differently. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-a-t-a Get after that action or the action will get after you. Be here on purpose.