growNman
growNman
I am growNman 92 Embracing the Rewards of Marriage: Navigating Cultural Complexities and Building Lasting Bonds Through Intentional Growth and Commitment
What happens when you grow up in a mixed cultural household and navigate through a series of complicated relationships? Join me, John D, as I recount my personal journey from a tumultuous childhood to finding the profound benefits of marriage. Drawing from my Korean and Black heritage, I reflect on how societal messages and my father’s advice shaped my early views on relationships. You'll hear about the dangerous games I played with women during my college years and the conscious decision I made to marry someone I loved—not because I was initially "in love" with her, but because I recognized the potential for a deeper connection. Through intentional work and commitment, my wife and I have built a bond that stands strong against external distractions, proving that the real rewards of marriage are found in daily interactions and mutual respect.
In this episode, we uncover the manifold rewards that marriage brings, from personal growth to enhanced relationships. I discuss how my supportive spouse has been crucial in helping me become a better father and husband, and how creating shared memories, like exploring new restaurants, enriches our lives. We dive into the significance of effective communication and fostering a positive mindset within the household. The theme of intentionality in relationships takes center stage, emphasizing that true companionship surpasses physical intimacy. We also explore how a strong marriage sets a solid foundation for children, teaching them the value of meaningful relationships and the effort it takes to sustain them. Tune in for insights and encouragement on embracing the journey of growing together in marriage.
what up. Go and welcome back to. I'm growing man. It's your man, john d, and the build. You know I think this is gonna be my favorite podcast episode.
Speaker 1:Be seeing, like my, my, my feeds. I'd be on facebook a little more than anything because it allows me to get connected or stay connected to people that I care about from afar and I see sadness among single people for real too. So this is going to be me giving you my heart, the benefits of being married, and I'm going to tell you, if I could articulate it in words, the way people approach relationships, it'd be taken totally different. So I'm going to attempt to give you my heart.
Speaker 1:So I grew up in a broken household, not realizing that the influence of my father plays such a role in my life. He didn't know how to be married. Out of my father's siblings, only one of them are married today. So I look at my mother's side, they were all married and I'm Korean. I'm Korean and black. So me looking at relationships was kind of totally different. I grew up culturally with black people.
Speaker 1:When the separation happened, I just had a different perspective, you know I just my father, raised us. So as a man, I just had a different perspective. You know, I just my father raised us so as a man I was always attracted to women. As I became an adult, I just remember the music I'm a player, this I'm a pimp that you know. And like I kind of just kind of got into the lifestyle Like you know, as a man, that's what you're supposed to do kind of got into the lifestyle Like you know, as a man, that's what you're supposed to do. So I remember my father telling me in college don't get in a relationship because that's supposed to be the best years of your life. And in my head I was like that makes sense. You know, you don't want to get in a relationship with anybody if you can't recreate the best years of your life. So but this is the idea to think you're supposed to be with several women and, like he said, you know, wear protection. But at the end of the day it's a poor message. Like I could have gotten anybody pregnant and just wouldn't have been on this path. Like one mistake. All I got is stories and at the end of the day, I believe that those young ladies wanted to be with me. And in my head we're just playing a different game. They're supposed to play this game and trying to catch me up, but I did that on purpose. That was crazy, like I was playing a very dangerous, dangerous game. So and I'm trying to lead up to why the benefits of being married. So please understand.
Speaker 1:So as I mature into black male, graduated from college, with a master's, no kids, living in a different state, traveling the countries, in my head, I'm like this guy, state traveling the countries. In my head I'm like this guy. I was like man, I'm kind of this guy and I'm still playing the same game as that I was playing in college. But then when you get, I guess, when you get to this point where you, well, you know, I got married and I don't want to make it seem like it was a bad thing I'm trying to just try to give you my heart. In my head I just wanted to be better than my father.
Speaker 1:Like I love my wife but I wasn't in love with her and everybody used to be like why would you get into a relationship with somebody if she's the mother of my kids, if nobody can tell me what in love is? So I'm this idea, I don't know what it is, and I'm like I was like I love her more than I've ever loved any woman. But the idea of what people said in love was I was like I don't feel like that for my wife. But I was like that's when I realized like you don't have to like be in love with somebody to get married, like you can learn, like if you felt, if you think you know what it is, then it might be different. But to me I didn't. So to me I was like I couldn't let her get away. I loved her. I know more than anybody that I've ever loved. I knew that she's the mother of my kids, she's smart. It only made sense to get married. So as we get married, I'm hungry, or that's a sign that I'm supposed to stop.
Speaker 1:But my point is like the marriage part was the day to day. It was like we was raising a family but we weren't really enjoying each other's company, and I could understand why nobody wants that part of marriage, but where me and my wife are now the benefits of getting married and you guys could skip all of these other years. If you do it on purpose, though, but all these other years will happen for some people living them right now. Actually, I know some people that live them and intentional work is so necessary if you want to create a relationship. Intentional work is so necessary if you want to create a relationship and the problem is majority of the marriages that I know they don't interact with each other on a day to day basis where they have to learn to want to learn each other.
Speaker 1:When you do that, the relationship it blooms into something that you you can't be distracted by what's around you to something that you can't be distracted by what's around you. I see women. I see that they're attractive, but there's nothing that these women could do for me, nothing. I have a beautiful woman. That's my wife. She's the mother of my kids. We enjoy each other's company. The idea that I would let a distraction prevent me from continuing these everyday moments it would be asinine, like I've gotten a lot more mature in the decisions I make, and this is what's crazy.
Speaker 1:The benefit to get married is that, where we are, you can't even do this unless you have enough conversation to understand each other's boundaries so you don't disrespect them as you guys move through life. If you want a relationship to really grow, if you believe you have your person, you have to give them everything about you that if somebody else told them that it would hurt their heart that you didn't tell them first. If you don't do that, you can't even get here. Like it's a different vulnerability, the benefits of getting married. There are things that, if I forget, she doesn't, and vice versa. It's like we're like a safety net and you can't be a safety net for somebody if you feel like that's not your person.
Speaker 1:And I'll tell you this energy attracts energy. If you're with somebody, it can work. Somebody's going to have to work harder than the other, though, because somebody's really there for it to work. Typically, it's the woman, because a woman has an idea of what they want. You know what I'm saying. They want the relationship. They want to grow and like be this person, enjoy life and have kids and talk about this and have experiences. But if you don't have anybody leading you toward that, you would just get caught up with all the distractions, hoping that somebody know what they're doing.
Speaker 1:So with me, the point of this, the benefits of getting married like you can watch everything play outside. Like you can literally be like hey, they ain't got there yet. Like the only thing that can catch me is an is an accident. Something is out of my control. With the information that I have now, there's nothing that I want to do to destroy my family. There's not an amount of money. Imagine understanding you know how to make money right, but you have not mastered just being happy on a day-to-day basis. That's got to be a tough place, because that's a message that a lot of us are chasing Find the mastery of your relationship.
Speaker 1:It creates a fruit that you haven't even seen. You've already seen what you can do when people get so much money. We've seen that. We've seen that. But master the relationship. You create things that nobody talk about. I tell you this it's a journey that I can't describe, but I will say if you can share, can't describe, but I will say if you can share. If they come up with some technology and it opens your brain up, did you reveal as much as you could, or is there something that you feel like if they knew this, this would destroy the relationship? Tell you this if they had your information and they knew everything, they would understand why you were doing what you were doing. But you guys got to have a level of trust. Do you have something to go to the next level. So the benefits of getting married.
Speaker 1:My best friend wakes up with me every day and you know the best friend is crazy is because I can do whatever I want in peace. Like my best friend is like where it's's double good If anything happens to me. These are the things for everything that you need. This is my passwords. Whatever If you and this is for those of you that believe you're living the life you want If you always got something for a way out, you can't be here and that's that's crazy too, because I found so much peace that I talk about it on a podcast. Like as we get older, this is what this is, what creepy to. I'm almost 50 and I see people play the same games, endangering their family.
Speaker 1:One mistake changes a butterfly effect that no man that we know of can correct. You open up doors that you don't have the answers to. They give you enough information for you to make the right decision, but you gotta, gotta, you gotta know. It's more than than whatever you're doing. I'll tell you, like the messaging we got is men, it's called a lot of a slipping. You know what I'm saying like and you know that like it's so many signs that you can see in in the music, like the man in the mirror. Like you may have not faced it yet, but everybody gets the opportunity. But the sooner you clean it up, the sooner you look in the mirror and be like because there's always somebody watching. Please believe that. So the benefits of getting married.
Speaker 1:She got me gardening. Like we like change the landscaping in our career, like it's fun and you know it creates a different relationship. You guys talk about things that you just wouldn't talk about unless you were landscaping. You know it makes you create a bond that maybe you didn't, you didn't see or even if you thought you saw it, you didn't know what it took to get there. Like we go to different planting nurseries throughout the city to look at different wildlife that we want to bring back to our home. Like what would make it like our home? Like with intentions, like what's good for the environment, like what's the look.
Speaker 1:It's not like you just go online and you just pick them and they show up. It's like the drive over. It's like you talking about something. You know what I'm saying. It's something. It's not like just silence, it's not awkward, it's like so you know.
Speaker 1:It's like intentional conversations, communications, and in the beginning it was, it was bad, but I was a poor communicator and she, she gave me. She gave me grace because she knew that that's what I was working on. I told her. I said, hey, I want our relationship to be cold and I just need some grace. I'm working on communication because I know I talk crazy. I got a bunch of triggers I'm trying to figure out. I told her this and at first it was really rocky and I mean like she would scream like ah, but over the course of time I don't want to put a time limit on it, but to me I felt like it went by really quick, like because I was, I was intentional with it. I was working on communication every day. I still do every single day for the rest of my life, because I don't want anybody to ever misunderstand anything that I'm trying to do.
Speaker 1:So right now I'm just saying people talk about the benefits of getting married. I'm going to tell you the benefits of being married. Your kids are watching. Your kids get to see their parents happy. Your kids get to see their parents happy. Your kids get to see when they get in disagreements. How do they respond under pressure? Why? People's watching, they care. There's like a conversation can be had. We don't have to get into it to find a good solution. We don't have to bring the rah-rah, but you got to want to change the behavior. If you don't, dan, I tell you this nobody prefers to get yelled at. Nobody's like you know what. I need you to yell at me to know that you serious what. I should be able to just say, hey, when you get this done, you should be able to know it in my tone. Or, if you don't, would just say, hey, when you get this done, you should be able to know it in my tone. Or, if you don't, but hey, I'm serious, when you get this done, I shouldn't have to yell at you. And it was just things that I grew up, that people we talked with high voices, it was hollering all the time and it's crazy just changing that behavior, because this is just different.
Speaker 1:And the benefits of getting married. She compliments me and all my weaknesses, so I am able to get a lot of feedback, immediate feedback on, like, my goals. You know I'm saying she knows what I want. She gives me her opinion. You know I don't always agree with her opinion, you know, uh, and the only reason why I don't? Because I feel like as a, as a effective communicator, I'm supposed to at least present enough information for her to look at it. Was she gonna be like, okay, I get you, you. But if I don't get it, it's hard for me, because I feel like I'm really approaching everything with intent to make only the best decisions for the people around me, and that's crazy. I didn't think like this before.
Speaker 1:That's the benefit of getting married. I get to work on becoming a better father and a husband on purpose, because I enjoy it like the benefits of getting married. Like you get to like go try different restaurants and you can give them grapes. And he was like is this something we'll come back to? You don't have to like have another person because you gotta like do it again with them. Like it's. It's like you're creating this rolodex of memories of you remember when we had that, because it will like can we top that? Because now all our, our moments is like it's just filled with like how can we learn from each other and grow? And that's the benefit of getting married. You just become a better person. How about this benefit of getting married?
Speaker 1:Since I've been working, I think the people at work know I bring a spirit because everything is great. I mean great Like everything's great, like I feel great all the time, like when I have like moments with my nephew because he says something. Well, he don't say nothing crazy, but if he does something without thinking and I'm like one of the like I get to like correct myself and like find a way to get better. It's not like because, at the end of the day, I'm trying to stop a behavior for him to like recognize something that could develop into something later. Right, but the benefits of getting married is that my wife understands my information and she's able to articulate it to him where he'd be like oh, she's a way better communicator than me. So I have that in my household. So it's like but, if you like, not in tune with your wife, like that it's hard to create these support systems that your house needs to function, to like grow when they leave. Because I don't like.
Speaker 1:I feel like the only way that I could really be successful in life is I just continuously find the ways to improve as a man, and right now the title father and husband is like the only thing I care about. That's a benefit of getting married. You can't. You can't get the feeling that I got by being single and check, check this out. I did the single thing and I ain't ugly, I'm just saying Like I did it before. You know what I'm saying. I'm old now. Like, what kind of story are you supposed to have? Like you got to be the controller of your own fate, because right now, you're letting your environment dictate the benefits you're supposed to get out of life and you could come up with your own excuses. But I challenge all of you guys the benefits of getting married, she and I continuously creating things that ain't nobody talking about. And check this out. At some point I'm going to be a great communicator and people are like dang, that's all you had to do. You just got to do something different that you haven't seen.
Speaker 1:Most of us came from broken families or families that didn't have the best practices. Like you have to be the new bar, that's it. You know what I'm saying. You got to like be cold. It takes a work that majority of us don't know. Like I'd be looking at my timeline people all day trying to be like I'm bad off being single. That's crazy. Single people die early because they're unhappy. And then when I say single, I'm not talking about people in a relationship, I'm talking about single people with the mindset I could do bad by myself. You just have a different mindset and then you're like what was it all for? And I don't want people to get to that because you can build more.
Speaker 1:It's like a more complex game out here. You gotta like, want it. But if you haven't seen it before, he'd be like why would it? Why should I be the one to do it? Because you're supposed to be cold and that's what I'm trying to be, because that's what I know like. Look me and the wife. Like our entire day, like right now, we at work, well, I, I'm on vacation. But like, if it's a Saturday, we know where we are, like we grooving. You know what I'm saying. We're enjoying the day If we're doing family stuff or whatever. But like we're in tune.
Speaker 1:And like some people are like I don't want all that, you don't want all this, because you don't know how this part feels. That's what I'm trying to describe Like. Imagine if there was a reason for you to feel the way that I'm trying to describe me. You'd be like dang, this was way better. Like it's way better. You save so much more money. You create like an experience where money starts working for you. Like you don't have to worry about me. The grind is because there ain't that many people. That's good at relationships, you know what I'm saying. But it's just got to be intentional.
Speaker 1:I'll tell you that If people are more intentional with the people that they decide that they're going to go in a relationship with, if you were more purposeful in the beginning, ask the really tough questions in the beginning, because it's hard to like let them go when you got feelings for them, you got to ask the tough stuff in the beginning the benefits of being married. We ain't gotta worry about that. No more. Man, I feel bad for like people that got to come up with these reasons on why it's okay. Because I'm telling you like, building a relationship with a person, it's.
Speaker 1:It's something that I can't describe, because everything you can do as a single person you like it's better with a person that you can share everything with or you don't have to say anything because you guys are there. It's a different experience. You know what I'm saying. Like it's the same person too. So you're growing, you're creating this, like I said this Rolodex of experiences where you'd be like go, let's go recreate that. You can't do that when you're single. You can only like you remember? No, you don't, because you're a different person. That's what I'm saying the benefits of being married at some point and I know I'm not old enough, but I'm saying the benefits of being married at some point. I know I'm not old enough, but I'm going to keep working on it because I'm telling you there's so many benefits of being married.
Speaker 1:It's a companionship that I think women start out wanting when they want to get in a relationship. I think that's what they want. They just, you know, most men don't know that they want it or they don't know what it takes to actually do it because they haven't dealt with whatever trauma they've had as a child. That's tough, that's a tough part to deal with, and if you're not willing to do that, then you're not willing to grow in a relationship. Because you got to deal with your own demons or you got to have somebody that understands that you're going to go through it with them and you got to believe that they're going to be there. Because, guess what, if they don't know your demons, you weren't up front with them in the beginning either. So that's being fake, so you got to do it together.
Speaker 1:That's if you want to get to what I'm talking about and guess what, everybody can do it, because people I don't know, it don't make a difference to me anyway, because, like, if you don't want to do the work, it don't matter. I'm only talking about the people that want to do the work. So anybody that I offended please forgive me. I'm only talking about people that want to do the work. But, yeah, it's levels to it for real. You know, like people like, nah, he don't know what he's talking about. All right, I tell you this Can't nobody disprove it Cause I feel great all the time, like I really do Like and like I go to sleep just to rest my body so I can get up and try to figure out how I can like, be cold at this, communicating and show the benefits of getting married, like.
Speaker 1:Just think about, you know, about creating a relationship with a person. Most relationships that I've seen are compromised by intercourse. And if you believe that that's important, that's the distraction in a relationship, because I'm telling you this, all beneficial relationships know that that don't happen as often as you think. If somebody's saying they're doing it all the time, they're taking medication, they're young in the relationship. But as you get older you realize that there's so many more things in the relationship than just that.
Speaker 1:But if you think that that's important, it's hard to get here. You got to understand as you get older like it ain't about that, it's about creating this relationship. And the younger you are and realize how important you are and understand that intercourse is a distraction for relationships. You can't get here Like it's a discipline. But once you get the discipline you'll be like oh, that was whack. Because you realize what intercourse is about. It's for special moments, it's not for everybody to get. It's for special moments. It's to procreate. We make it seem like it's an everyday thing. And if you think it's an everyday thing, that's the distraction. So you can't really appreciate what you're supposed to get out of it, because you got this idea of what man has failed century after century after century, that idea like this, like just change the message. Let's work for a relationship, let's talk about relationships.
Speaker 1:When you go to talk to somebody that's in a really good relationship, like ask them you know what I'm saying if, if they ain't got 10 years, it's really difficult to because you don't know have they got to that point? Where are they just passing ships in a knife? They say nice things to each other. You know you can do that, but to grow it's a different interaction, and that's what I'm talking about those relationships where they interact on purpose, daily. They feel toward each other a different type of feeling that I'm trying to describe, but benefits of getting married, like you, create a different foundation for your kids to say it is possible to know what to look for in a partner and these are the things you're going to have to go through to get to this place.
Speaker 1:Just know that you're going to have to put in a different work when you have those answers, because you know what it takes your kids will find different things to mess up on, but they can't be messing up on stuff that we ain't figured out yet. But in order to get here, you got to do it on purpose. Y'all made today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything. You can't control GATA. Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.