growNman
growNman
I am growNman 87
What if the key to transforming your relationships lies in embracing vulnerability? In our latest episode, we explore the profound impact of male vulnerability in forming and maintaining deep connections. Drawing from personal journeys and hard-earned wisdom, we challenge the societal norms that encourage emotional guardedness in men. From the distractions of early physical attractions to the maturity needed for true openness, we'll discuss the critical steps men must take to foster meaningful relationships. By sharing my own experiences, including heartfelt stories from my marriage, we uncover how emotional transparency can pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling bonds.
Communication is the backbone of any strong relationship, but it's often easier said than done. This episode highlights the importance of honest dialogue, especially for men who might struggle to open up. We'll discuss practical strategies for removing distractions, resolving conflicts, and ensuring that you truly understand your partner. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, we underscore the significance of asking the right questions to build a solid foundation with your partner. Whether you're navigating young love or seeking to deepen your connection, this conversation promises to offer valuable insights to make today better than yesterday in your relationship journey.
what up dog and welcome back to. I'm growing man. It's your man, john d, in the building. You know, uh, I specifically got on here because a friend of mine sent me a video of this young man that was discussing, uh, the vulnerability of young men coming to the relationship. Tough, you know, I don't want to mess it up, so I'm going to try to give you what I got from it. But let me try to explain what I got from him.
Speaker 1:He said that men have to accept the responsibility of being open to their partner, accept the responsibility of being open to their partner, that they can't go to the relationship closed off and expect a woman to wait for you to get there. For the most part, you got to come willing to be vulnerable, and that's easier said than done, and I'm only going to speak from my behalf and I truly believe I'm probably older than this young man by a lot of years, but he only knows what he knows and what's seen. Like you know you shouldn't let anybody get close because in growing up you know it was like men could do whatever they wanted. You know you could go out and try to participate in a lot of adult activities as much as you want without being judged. Or if you in a negative light at least in the circles I was in, you know that was in that was the thing to do if you could do it. So the message that we got you don't open up because you're doing this. You kind of be crazy to open up to all of these women and then you try to find the person you want to open up to, but then you really don't even know what it looks like to open up.
Speaker 1:So I think that a lot of men that got the messaging that I got. It was just kind of just protecting their feelings out of like, just by default. It wasn't like we didn't want to open up. We didn't know what it looked like to open up. At least I didn't. But you know my wife, she got the version that opened up the most, but I didn't know I was still not being vulnerable to her, and that came through time. You know I didn't think she would ever leave me, but I didn't think that I wasn't. I guess I kind of knew that she wasn't getting the full of me, but I didn't know how to give her more until the experience of life.
Speaker 1:But men, the problem does lie within men, though. Men make the decision ultimately. If the man picks the woman, if you pick the wrong woman, that's your decision making. She didn't trick you. You didn't do your due diligence and find out if she's even worth the person you're supposed to be with, because most men are distracted by the visual. The eyes like the outside appearance of support. It can attract you, but the outside appearance shouldn't keep you there.
Speaker 1:But if you get the messaging that most men got is trying to dominate and when I say dominate I mean like try to participate in adult activities and you don't even want to be in a relationship the messaging we got was that was OK, you know, of course you know. I remember growing up, you know, and the Bible said you should wait to marriage. But everybody was practicing these beliefs and then when I actually met somebody who was practicing it, I didn't even believe it was true. That's how crazy it was. So the messaging that I got is that this is what you're going to do, and some may disagree with me, but sex is just a complete distraction. I really do believe that women they only want to do it in the beginning, at the very beginning, because they like somebody and nobody at that age, early enough, age before 22, 23, and that's pushing it still. But I'm just trying to. Nobody is worth giving that part of you that could change your life forever. Nobody Like you don't have enough information to believe that person is for you, for you to say, like I'm responsible enough at 19 to lay down with this person Fifteen, 13 or however old, is too young, you don't know enough. It's too young, you don't know enough.
Speaker 1:And the messaging that we get as far as having sex, like it's OK, it's almost like you're saying you're not valuable enough to save it for somebody that you would want to build with. But you want to play this game. And I'm not saying you specifically, I'm saying the people that represent the way that I, I grew up. That was the game we played and I saw so many people you know they have to, like you know, say you know god don't make mistakes. You had a kid in a young age like that wasn't god's mistake, that was your mistake. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Like I think the messaging that we got kind of distorted our view of the responsibility that we should take on ourself. So where I am now, I'm watching this young man has got to be can't be more than 34, 35. So I'm 10 plus years older than that young man. I'm 10 plus years older than that young man and just listening to him, he sounds he's, he's using the information that he has to come to some conclusion for him to be able to walk.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to tell you, if you're single at 35, you followed the wrong message, unless you just didn't want to have a family. But those of you that deep down wanted to have a family, if you didn't start a family about 35 and that's pushing it you should have started a family well before then. But all of us are trying to figure it out, right, like if you found your person. But what would it look like if't find your person? The messages that we get kind of makes us feel like the person that is for us will do the stuff that we want them to do, and that's poor messaging right there. You shouldn't lay down with anyone unless you can become vulnerable with that person. And I don't think anybody should become vulnerable with anyone before 23, 24, 25, because you're still figuring out who you are.
Speaker 1:But if you have this messaging that you follow, that you know that it's important. You'll increase the chances of removing all of everything you wanted in life because you wanted to participate in this activity. That can give you a disease forever. It can create a baby, of course. It can create some attachment, but the pros, the positive things that come from sex doesn't compare to the negative things that can come from it and it's not even worth it.
Speaker 1:The best sex is the sex that, no matter what happens, you love this person. Nobody under the age of 23 knows what that looks like and it's always going to be the exceptions, right. So for those of you that were able to find it, congratulations, because I wasn't blessed enough. I'm not even hating, I'm just saying I want to reduce the chances of these young people endangering their opportunity to become great because they feel like they want to have sex Like there's. There's people like in in school, k through 12, participating in sex because they had no idea how important they are, no idea how important they are.
Speaker 1:But if you don't have the supervision or the structure that can tell you why you're this important and you can't go out there doing what other people do because you're going to fall victim to what you're not seeing, because you think this is okay, and my parents? They only do what they know right, and I just feel like if we can change the messaging about sex, maybe you should be trying to figure out who you are. You know, because I'm getting to this point now where my life I've never felt so much peace in my life. Like me and my wife are the best of friends. We enjoy each other's company. Wife are the best of friends. We enjoy each other's company, and I feel like if I could do it all over again, I would have wanted to get here sooner, because outside the house is so many distractions that can prevent you from getting to this place that I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:So the vulnerability that men are supposed to give women, it should be the right one. It shouldn't be the one because she looks nice or she makes a lot of money, like it should be the one that that's willing to build with you, that looks at you like we can do this together, not somebody who, like that, you don't even know. Let's just put it that way because you wanted to have sex and now, like you know, sex complicates everything. It's not even worth it, and you know I'm willing to discuss it with anybody on how unimportant it is to to life, unless you're in a position to be able to do it responsibly. Because there's too many mistakes that are that come from thinking that that's something you need is destroyed families, and I want to change the messaging. I really do so.
Speaker 1:Oh, that young man also said he said a man shouldn't depend on a woman to let him know that he's safe, and I understand what he was saying. You should get there on your own, but when you're in a relationship, there's things that you can't get from anybody else other than the person that you're with and sometimes, unfortunately, she's going to get beat up a little. He's going to get beat up a little, but if the relationship knows that, hey, these are bad behaviors, I don't want to do this and you can actually see it in the person, you'll see the growth. You can appreciate that you guys are working on it. You have to discuss these things, but in order to have a shot at a great relationship, I think that people should have a lot of conversations, because, I'm telling you, you can talk to somebody and find out if this is somebody that you're willing to get to know, entertain, but if you don't ask enough questions, you'll get tricked, like how do they grow up?
Speaker 1:You know, like energy attracts energy, like energy attracts energy. So if you're distracted by physical appearances, you're going to get that. You're going to end up with somebody that you're not supposed to be with and say God made it happen when you didn't know all of the rules to protect you. Like, as we get older and you know I don't have all the answers Maybe none of these will work for anybody, but I know that if I had this information I could have made better decisions from the beginning. I know that mistakes are going to be made, but some of the mistakes I made it was just from complete blind spots and ignorance.
Speaker 1:And now that we have technology where we can just talk and try to spread information, have discussions where we can grow and try to make this the quality of life increase with somebody special, it's like it's like a hamster wheel of people just falling off, not having enough information. So we have to talk to each other. But I do believe that if that's your person, it's OK for her to be able to let her, let let the person she want to be with that that he's safe, to be able to let the person she want to be with that he's safe. Because if you don't have a father to tell you how to open up to a woman or what's acceptable, you're just out here filling it out. The idea that a man is supposed to be mature enough to express his feelings without being taught. It's like a miracle, like that's a process. You know, I'm still learning that. You know, and I'm doing it on purpose.
Speaker 1:You know how many people actually look for ways to express themselves so that the person that they're talking to doesn't misunderstand them. You know, I know people that say they know what I mean. If they knew what you mean, y'all wouldn't have got into a conflict. But we can't talk to each other, and if you can't talk to each other, you're going to always get the wrong message, meaning there's a misunderstanding. So for men to truthfully open up, they have to stop. They do have to remove the distractions out of their life, because if you're not focused on the person you want to open up to, they can't ever get somewhere, because you're always on the way, you're always looking out, you're always looking. If this don't work, I'm still good. As you get older, that's a horrible message to follow, because whoever you think you're supposed to be with. You're going to have to work for that relationship.
Speaker 1:No matter how much y'all wanted to work, no matter how much y'all compliment each other, you guys are going to have some some type of conflict that you have to resolve and it's not like I'm the solid treatment or we're not going to talk about it. We're not going to talk about it. You have to discuss it. That's the only way you can grow, because the point of the conversation when you have a conflict is to understand why it's hurting your partner like that and why doesn't it hurt you. Why are you viewing it that way? Because you're supposed to protect that person from feeling like that. But if there's a conflict and you're like why are you feeling like that she's vulnerable or he's vulnerable? Like why are you feeling like that? You just bet like she's vulnerable or he's vulnerable. We have to back up and be like hey, what happened? But we never was taught that.
Speaker 1:You have to like if you want a relationship to work, you have to like be more intentional with your effort to make sure that your partner will ever misunderstand what you're doing with you saying or not saying anything. But that takes work. You can be ignorant and pick somebody because they look really good and then find out that you guys have nothing in common. And then you're stuck with each other, and then you guys have your good people, but one is going to have to work harder than the other because you guys are so different. That's the reason why getting to know people in the beginning is so important.
Speaker 1:I tell you this I'm talking to a friend and he's telling me he's not thinking about sex, just want to stay focused, and found somebody that felt that energy. I don't know how long it's going to last, but I'll tell you this If he removes sex out of his path because sex don't come anywhere, sex is going to come, but don't let it distract you from the goals you're supposed to be getting to. And how about this? You do it with the wrong person. You may not even get to your goal. It might take a really long time because this distraction just prevented you from getting to your goal, at least. I don't even know how long you want to say you could say one day, if you know I'm not doing that anymore. Or a year, 18 years, because you got a baby You're like. Now you got to say you know, god, don't make mistakes. Now, god and you did. God didn't make that mistake, you made it. But this is the thing If you follow the wrong messages, you can get results that you've already seen other people get. But you're playing the same game, thinking like I'm going to do it differently.
Speaker 1:Too many people have fallen to the same trap and right now we have this information age where we can change the narration of how we can be more successful, even in poor parts of the world. Like kids don't want to have sex at that age. They kind of like they get influenced by whatever, but at the same time, if they knew that they were important, they wouldn't even do it. They wouldn't play that game if they knew that they were important. I don't know anybody who says you know what I'm important, but I'm willing to risk my life on purpose to make it really difficult so that I can tell the story of how I didn't have the guidance in the beginning, but I figured it out later. That don't even make sense and we have to be better telling the youth, like I know that, like the language, the language barrier when you're talking to the youth, but we have to be more focused on trying to create opportunities so that they don't fall behind. They're falling behind because of the people they're watching. If they can't talk to you, then who are they talking to? Their peer group, and we already know their peer group don't know anything. Their peer group and we already know their peer group don't know anything. So, in order for us to change the messaging, we're going to have to communicate more and have these discussions about what is it supposed to look like in a relationship, or how do you get to that relationship.
Speaker 1:And me and my wife, we've been married 16 years. Not all of them were happy, but I can say now, the last five years is how about this? For me it's always been good, but having discussions with my wife in the last five years, she wasn't the happiest and that was due to my ignorance of being a man thinking like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. She married me. This is who I am and I'm going to be who I am. That's the arrogance I had. I didn't think that, hey, I could improve until the last five years.
Speaker 1:But this is what I'm saying. The vulnerability is key, but everybody's not going to get there like that. But I'll tell you this If you're in a relationship with a person. Take sex out If you want it to grow. Take it out because it's a distraction. If you guys care about each other, it's going to work. How about this?
Speaker 1:People say what if they're not good? If you like them enough, you'll teach them. You'll wait for them to become good If you think they're supposed to be good at the beginning and that's what's going to keep you there later. That's just the bad messaging I was referring to. So I'm telling you this take out the idea of any of those activities right where it could distract you from you guys getting to know each other and have mature, because somebody is going to get triggered and if you're just starting out, you're not going to know what it is. So you have to be a little more open to that. It's going to be a lot of conflicts and if you guys already argue a lot and get loud, you got to have a safe word Be like hey, you know this.
Speaker 1:This was going to happen, because the right way is the way that you both decide to go Like. If somebody is going against it like, no, I don't like it my way, it should go my way. Convince the other person. Why it's that important because, at the end of the day, you guys are on the same team If you have information that that person don't have. That's the reason why they feel that way, because if they had your information, you guys would be agreeing. So somebody's going to have to convince the other person. How about this? The best thing is, you may find that the information that you had wasn't even the best and it was going to cause a conflict, and the other person was right. But you haven't crossed that yet. So I do.
Speaker 1:I challenge all of you guys to just have a conversation every single day. More conversations you have, the sooner the conflicts will happen, but the more you get to practice and the more you practice, because nobody is going to try to trigger the person on purpose, not your person. Why would you trigger your person on purpose? Like that's being petty. And those of you that are in relationships and you play the petty game like petty is only cool if the other person can take it, but if somebody responds with being pettier, you guys are playing the wrong game. Please stop being petty. Like that's immaturity in a relationship the wrong game. Please stop being petty. That's immaturity in a relationship. You can't grow because I've seen people be petty and it goes too far and you don't know what too far is until it happens. I don't know Anybody was like dang. I wish I would have known so I could have done that sooner.
Speaker 1:So find your person by being very inquisitive in the beginning. If you are driven on the aspect of sex in the beginning, you're probably going to lose because you're going to follow the wrong message, because it may not work on this one, may not work on the next one, but you're just following like you keep endangering yourself for being the person that you want to be later, like I. Even in the movies and the shows it's to be later. Even in the movies, in the shows. It's a complete distraction. I promise it is. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Anybody says sex was worth me having a kid that I didn't blame, or sex was worth me getting a disease. Or sex is worth me getting a disease that I can't get rid of. Or sex is worth me creating an attachment for somebody and they don't like me the same. And now my feelings are hurt and I don't know what to do. Because why? Like if you had this conversation game you ask them enough questions, you will learn if they can protect you enough for you to do that. But if you don't ask enough questions, you enough for you to do that. But if you don't ask enough questions, you're hoping that they're going to protect you. And that's the reason why we have to do more conversations, because the games we be playing we ain't trying to win.
Speaker 1:Last thing going forward men are ultimately the decision maker on if this relationship is going to work. Men, if you don't ask enough questions in the beginning, she's going to follow your lead. If you don't ask enough questions in the beginning, she's going to follow your lead. If it don't work, you don't know what a woman looked like, or you were too immature to create the relationship you thought you were supposed to have. But I'm going to tell you this If any woman gives you the time of day, she's there for it to grow. If she's not there for it to grow, you didn't ask enough questions to find out. It's like an interview. But if you are distracted by physical appearances, jobs or where they come from and you don't get to know that person, you're not even trying to win. Period. Y'all. Make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-a-t-a Get after that action or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.